BDSM involves not only physical stimulus, but mental stimulus as well and many of us have triggers that will either evoke positive or negative reactions from us. A positive reaction would be entering into a certain mental state, mindset, or headspace whereas a negative reaction would be the sudden drop out of our headspace. The word “subspace” is a familiar term to those in the lifestyle but do we know what it really is? This article will address some of the indicators of an individual entering into subspace as well as explore what the inverse of subspace is which is sub drop. Lastly, this article will discuss whether or not Dominants experience their own type of “Dom(me)-space”.
Subspace is an altered mental state which some submissives achieve during very intense play (O’ Connell, 2011). Submissives can enter into different levels of subspace at different times with different stimuli and have different reactions even with the same Dominant. A submissive can stay in subspace for minutes, hours, or even days after a session has ended. Every submissive that enters into subspace may or may not share similar sensations or experiences however some of the indicators of subspace include but are not limited to:
Incoherence, silence, or inappropriate laughter/chatter
Change in reaction to physical stimulus
Glassy eyes
Sense of disassociation between the mind and body
Dream-like mental state
Feeling like you are “high”
Subspace can be a frightening and overwhelming experience for new submissives as it requires a complete release of self control over their minds and bodies. Maintaining a safe environment; communicating with the submissive before, during, and after the session; and monitoring their body language are all part of the responsibility of the Dominant to ensure an enjoyable and safe session. Without proper safety precautions and not knowing your partner well enough will mostly cause a severe case of subdrop.
The coming down period from a session can happen quickly or slowly which the return to normality, and can happen quickly, or slowly and it can be a nice experience, or a bad one. And the effects, good or bad, can last almost no time at all, or they can go on for hours, even days (“Sub drop”, 2011). The ideal is for a submissive to have a gradual, positive come down period from subspace however many factors can cause an individual to experience subdrop. These include extreme pain, reaching or pushing a hard limit, or when the safety of the submissive is called into question or the trust of the Dominant is not strong enough. Like subspace, not every submissive will experience subdrop but the causes of it and severity varies between individuals. Some indicators that a submissive is going through subdrop:
Emotional outbursts
Depression
Anger
Frustration
Feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, and isolation
Feelings of unease
“Perhaps subdrop can be thought of along similar lines to the effects of shock and so Dominants should treat the afflicted submissive accordingly: keep them comfortable, watch them for signs of distress, try and understand what they need and provide that. The answers will not always be the same for everyone, but with some practice and a consistent approach, the sub will come to understand that their Dom/me understands what is happening, and is intent on doing all they can to alleviate the situation” (Sub drop, 2011).
While it is part of the responsibility of the Dominant partner to provide a positive experience for the submissive throughout their journey in subspace and during subdrop, can Dominants themselves experience their own version of Dom(me) space and drop? The answer is “yes”. Dom(me) space and drop share similar qualities as its counterpart of subspace and subdrop. However, some people warn of something called “primal space” or when a Dominant starts to feel “bloodlust”. This is when a Dominant feels a sense of detachment from their submissive, discovering a sense of cruelty that wasn’t there before and a loss of control over themselves (“Dom space”, 2002). If the Dominant has reached this stage, the session must immediately stop.
Entering into a headspace can be a rewarding, positive experience however it is crucial to know how to react to certain situations and treat your partner after play has finished. Aftercare for the Dominant is also just as important as aftercare for the submissive, and part of aftercare is communicating to each other what worked and what did not. By being more aware of what some of the indicators are of subspace, subdrop, and Dom(me) space and drop, BDSM practitioners will be able to play more safely. Many aspects of sub or Dom(me) drop can be avoided with proper care during and after a session. Subspace and Dom(me) space meanwhile should be an enjoyable, safe journey that allows both partners to feed off of each other’s energy.
There are many different opinions and ideas about the meaning of dominance in a BDSM context, what the appropriate definition and titles for it, and what being a good dominant means. What makes a good dominant, in some ways, is in the eye of the beholder as each person has their own preferences; there is no cookie cutter mold for a good dominant.
As always, general ethics is strongly considered as a vital role of a play partner and this applies equally, if not even more so, to dominants.
What are we talking about here? Time to Define
The common dictionary defines “dominance” as:
1.rule; control; authority; ascendancy.2.the condition of being dominant.3.Psychology . the disposition of an individual to assertcontrol in dealing with others.4.Animal Behavior . high status in a social group, usuallyacquired as the result of aggression, that involves thetendency to take priority in access to limited resources, asfood, mates, or space.
For alternative communities, the use of the term “dominance” first arose in the 1970s gay community when it became unpopular to feminize the submissive one in same-sex couples (TorqueDom, 2000). In the BDSM context, dominance is seen as a personality trait that can exist in or outside of a relationship and can apply in a single scene or a lifetime lifestyle (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).
Dominants can fall into several categories depending on their level of BDSM and lifestyle activity. Light Dominants are considered to be those who have little desire for any real D/s aspect to any relationship, have poor knowledge on the subject, possess little or no toys/tools, have conflicting life goals that keeps them from being active, but tend to exemplify some dominant BDSM behavior/tendencies. These types of dominants are not always ethical or safe (Mallory).
The Moderate Dominant will generally desire a relationship of some kind, be reasonably educated and willing to learn/explore, and are typically more common. These dominants usually have some interaction with the community and are stable (Mallory).
A Heavy Dominant is usually a seasoned member in the community and has engaged in the lifestyle for a longer period of time. They typically have varied experience with a few areas of expertise and are more likely to desire a full time or 24/7 D/s aspect to their relationship (Mallory).
A Master/Mistress is often considered a dominant with real life BDSM experience (Mallory). Some circles consider these terms to be associated with the consensual and ethics ownership of a slave or submissive and that this title has been earned during that ownership while others feel that these terms may be used by anyone who identifies with them (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).
A Top is typically a dominant but is considered to be the person who is the active participant in an S/M scene in contrast to the bottom who is the recipient of BDSM play (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).
What kinds of dominants are there?
Dominant is dominant is dominant right? Wrong! There are different styles of dominance and knowing what kind of dominant you are or you are looking for can mean the difference between a satisfying or frustrating experience. Dominant preferences can be observed on a continuum with two polar opposites: parental or celebrity.
Parental dominance does not refer to any ageplay or illegal play with minors. This style of dominance refers to a high level of control over the submissive’s life. A parental style dominant will desire control over the all money, clothing, food, activities, sexual release, etc; the submissive has little to no control over most decisions. These dominants desire a relationship where the submissive does as instructed promptly but nothing more (Kaldera & Tenpenny, Real Service, 2011).
Celebrity dominance is when the dominant prefers for all obstacles out of their path. The submissive will receive extensive training on the preferences and desires of the dominant so that ultimately, the submissive will attend to those details so the dominant can enjoy the effects. This style of dominance expects a level of anticipatory service and requires a submissive who is able to be self sufficient for periods of time while the dominant otherwise occupied. These dominants are often career-driven or keep highly active lifestyles (Kaldera & Tenpenny, Real Service, 2011).
So what makes a good dominant?
If just beginning on the road to domination, take some time to figure out your primary kinks and interests, and then take time to learn about them. Some forms of BDSM have higher risk and you should have a strong knowledge base in them and practicing as much as possible for the safety of yourself as well as your partner prior to engaging in a scene.
A good dominant has a number of important characteristics, each as important as the last. A D/s relationship, despite any outward appearances, is a two-way street and a good dominant is able to give strong, satisfying direction to their submissive that is more than self-centered commands (Nala, 2001).
A good dominant is able to accept the desires and realities of themselves as well as their submissive. They are able to communicate effectively about those needs, desires, and limitations with honesty and respect (Shadowborne, 1997). They should be able to state their desires and preferences in a way that is respectful, consistent and straightforward (Payne, 1999). Dominants are people too and must be able to realize and be honest about their limitations and shortcomings. They also need to be aware of dom headspace and drop and be prepared for their own emotional reaction. Their dominance is inherent and a powerful command of devotion while maintaining an ethical and respectful demeanor (Shadowborne, 1997).
A first-rate dominant is able to understand the psychological and emotional evolution of their submissive and provide the appropriate support. Because of the potential intensity of a BDSM relationship, there is a lot of potential for emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth. If the relationship develops rapidly, the rush of augmentation may be overwhelming. A good dominant should be patient and sensitive to this process (Shadowborne, 1997).
They are able to reliably and infallibly abide by the agreement laid between the dominant and submissive; there should be no question of loyalty or trustworthiness (Shadowborne, 1997). They should hold the best interests of the submissive in mind at all times, protecting the submissive even against themselves in moments of extreme play should it be necessary (Saber, 2001).
Another important characteristic is personal responsibility. The dominant should be serious enough to understand the consequences of the play and be prepared and able to accept responsibility for any potential outcomes. They should be able to exercise appropriate self control for themselves as well as for their submissive (Shadowborne, 1997).
Conclusions
The subject of dominance is not an easy one to sum up and several books have been written on the subject. Style of dominance and tips can also vary depending on the type of kink in question. The important thing to remember is that a good dominant does not stop learning. And remember, being dominant does not make someone better than being submissive, just different (Payne, 1999).
Hi, I just found your blog and really appreciate it. I came out late in life, and although I’ve had a couple of boyfriends by now, we didn’t do anything more than help each other get off a few times. I’m newly single now and want to start having a sex life. Although I’ve never fully done it, I consider myself versatile. Both aspects of anal intercourse appeal to me some guys make me want to give it to them, and some make me want to bend over and take it from them. Even with my ex, we would spoon each other back and forth, switching positions depending on our moods or emotional needs. I read through your articles about bottoming for the first time, but I wonder about the how-to’s of topping. It feels like there’s this idea out there that all tops need to do is flip a guy over and go at it, and the bottoms have to do all the prep work. It’s like old heteronormative binary gender roles are seeping into a queer practice the male just gets horny and sticks it in, and the female has to be the one speaking up to make sure it feels right, and cleaning up before and after. If I’m going to top a guy, I want to know how to do it right for maximum safety, pleasure, and respect for us both. It just seems like the grown-up thing to do. Could you write an article about that? Tops should be as thoughtful about what they do as bottoms. Thanks!
Hey there,
As for your question, you are totally right. Surprisingly, you are not the first person to contact me personally about this question. I have been meaning to put up an article about how to be a good top ( I am in the process of writing it now so stick around for a more in-depth guide). In the mean-time I can give a quick low down on the dos and don’ts for being a good top.
Speaking from personal experience, knowing how to be top really comes down to knowing what it is like to be a bottom. I am verse myself, so I have plenty of experience with both roles, and I can tell you that most of the advice I am going to give you comes from some experiences (good and bad) from being on the bottom.
One of the things I emphasize time and time again is the importance of communication. This is both verbal and physical. If you are on top, you need to be in touch with how your partner is feeling, even before you have sex!
Is he nervous? Excited? Worried? Are things going too fast?
If you are unsure, just ask!
I know it may feel awkward or unnatural to talk, but sex, especially for the first time, is not like porn.
Advice number 2: Use plenty of lube (Like LOTS) , and throw in some foreplay to help him relax. This can be rimming, fingering, or just grazing his ass with your dick. Get him in the mood, and loosen things up first.
Next, when you are really ready to go in, go slowly. If it really is his first time, then you need to go SLOWLY.
Not inch by inch, but MILLIMETER BY MILLIMETER.
Start with the tip, wait, pull pack a bit. Go in a bit again to the same spot, wait, and pull back slowly.
You should do this all while asking him how he feels, and each time you push in (GENTLY) little by little, let him relax, make sure he is OK, and make sure things don’t hurt.
This may go on for 5 or 10 minutes but I can’t emphasize enough, this is a super strange and unfamiliar experience, especially for his first time, so go slow and steady. Once you both work in the head and maybe about half way, its ok to pause and let his body relax.
Make sure you are using plenty of lube all the while (more is better). At this point if he is comfortable he shouldn’t be as tense and you can start to have sex, going in and out, again working your way in further little by little.
From here, don’t start going full speed unless he says so, and you can physically see that he is OK.
Make sure to stay in touch with him, and remember, if he is uncomfortable, it is ok to stop and try again a different day.
At this point if he looks comfortable and he says he is OK then you should be all set.
If you follow these steps, go slowly, communicate, and work together, things should work out just fine.
No matter how awesome we think we are in bed, most of us could always afford to add some new tricks to our bag.
I have met guys who were amazing and guys who were just plain awful. The differences between them were not as great as you might think.
As mostly bottom I’ve had my fair share of great and rotten sex and there are a few things I have learnt that might help you when you are getting busy.
Contrary to popular opinion I find it is your brain and not a rock hard dick that is your best tool for being an awesome Top.
To be a better Top there are a few things that I think you should know first.
Anal sex can hurt. I sometimes think that the best Tops are guys who also Bottom because knowing how it feels and how painful it can be. The biggest problem most Tops have is that they don’t pay attention to their partner. They start the joust at full gallop. If you are going to Top remember that if you injure your partner before you even get started nobody is going to have a good time. I have on more than one occasion been with a Top who has shoved it in hard and hurt me so badly that I have had to stop and tell them to go home. There’s only one way to describe a Top who does that Selfish Twat.
3 things will help you get started.
Fingers and tongues.
They go everywhere with you and are a great way to get your Bottom going. Gently rubbing with the pads of your fingers or licking around the anus (called rimming ) feels awesome and you will notice when they relax and the tension eases. It’s at this point that you can be a little more forceful butt.. don’t just shove it in up to the knuckles and remember fingernails hurt. Sucking and biting is incredibly uncomfortable and huge no no for me too.
LUBE LUBE LUBE. I mean seriously guys. What are you thinking!
Silicon, water based, spit it doesn’t matter. USE IT.
Take it easy at the start.
The worst thing you can do is just jam it in unless your Bottom is experienced and even then not always. I find the best way to start is is to slowly slide it in (with plenty of lube ). Don’t get creative yet. Just watch and listen to their reaction. It gives them time to relax. It’s at this point that I have learned it’s better to grind rather than fuck. It’s the in and out that can be painful in the beginning but grinding slow is hot, passionate and a great way to start.
As the heat increases your instincts should take over. I don’t really need to explain what to do next but here are a couple of things to avoid in general.
Pulling out completely and punching back in looks great in porn but for a btm it can feel more like getting stabbed than pleasurable. Try to avoid it unless your bottom indicates that it’s okay.
Jack hammering away like a rabbit in order to reach the finish line as soon as possible is bad form. Vary the speed and tempo, tease and build. Thats the way to do it.
Don’t blow and go. Don’t be selfish. I’ve met plenty of Tops who are only interested in getting themselves off.. Make sure your partner gets off too. If you’re good you can time it so you get off together.
Once things get going here are a few more tips that I have found make a big difference for me.
Mix up your positions.
Remember if your Bottom is going off then your going to have a much better time too. Move around, see what works and what makes it fun for both of you. Don’t be a star fish.
Don’t be afraid to make some noise.
Grunting, groaning, calling out his name and a little dirty talk are all great ways of letting him know you like something. Letting him know you like it, has the added bonus of encouraging him to do it more.
Get handy.
The beast with two backs also has 2 mouths, four nipples, four arms and four legs. Not to mention any number of spots. Use them. biting and moaning in his ear as you thrust, licking his neck and gently pulling his hair as you hammer him in to the mattress and jerking him off as you fuck are a few suggestions.
Watch your size.
For those of you who are bigger than average, going balls deep might not be the most comfortable act for your partner. Use common sense. I’ve had Tops who were a good 10″ make my toes curl and others who just made me want to climb off them and go home. Don’t be a selfish douche.
Play safe.
Some Tops I have met have had the crazy idea that it’s the bottoms job to bring a condom. Everybody is responsible for safe sex. A rubber and a lube sachet in your back pocket is your best friend. If you’re going to play bareback make sure you discuss your status first, PREP offers protection against HIV but it doesn’t protect against other STD’s. Be responsible and respectful of your partner.
Sex is messy, sticky and there are no real hard and fast rules but if you want to up your game the easiest way to do it is to pay attention to what works and doesn’t work for your partner. Increasing their enjoyment will increase yours as well.
Happy fucking
I created these pages so that you may learn something a bit about the man I am and how I was raised as a leatherboy by an Old Guard SIR. I also want you to understand what the leather community means to me; my likes and dislikes, what I look for in boys who TRULY desire to surrender and what I require from them. There are plenty of places on the Internet for those who are interested in pics, sex websites and links to a 1000 S&M rings. I am not into bells and whistles nor do I care about awards from groups, counters of how many hits my site received or animated pics of guys having sex or showing off big steroided muscles. The mechanics of how you tie a knot, flog, screw, bondage, how much leather you wear or who you get off with, however many, don’t make a relationship. They make for sex and that’s about it.
The leather community to me has always meant family. We tend to rally around each other and come to another’s aid when he is in trouble. It is not uncommon for a leatherman to open his home up to another leatherman even if he is only an acquaintance because there is an unspoken brotherhood already established. I have taken leatherboys in off the street; NOT for sex but to clean them up and send them back home. These young men were abused by their so-called Daddies and told to use crystal meth, then thrown out when Daddy got tired of the sex or was too strung out to get it up anymore. I wonder how many of those who consider themselves REAL Leathermen would actually do that for a boy in need especially when there wasnt something in it for them? Not much of a community in my opinion. In the community that I know of and knew, there is a special camaraderie that you do not often see in the gay community at large. Where I part company, however, is in the area of how FAST and cheap sex has become. It appears now-a-days that everything is a SCENE. Bondage scene, sex scene, leather scene, fisting scene, this a scene that a scene everywhere a scene scene. You want a scene go to a damn Broadway show! We have lost MOST of the traditions I grew up with as a leatherboy. Relationships are disposable and intimacy takes a sad backdrop to getting off, or in other words, sex simply for sex sake; to get off, nothing more.
When a deeper connection is desired, the union between a SIR and his boy is a very special and tight bond. There is a certain understanding and communication that is unique to that type of relationship. I had a boy just the other day say to me that he views vanilla relationships in the gay community as “too straight”. Problems arise when the boy fails to communicate or the SIR begins to abuse the boy.
I feel that the biggest misconception viewed by others is our seemingly brutal and often vicious methods in dealing with sex and doling out punishment, bondage, and/or discipline. I have heard many over the years, including myself when I was a boy, that within that pain is an overwhelming pleasure that has released a freedom and ecstasy that is beyond human language. It reaches beyond a physical orgasm into areas that I cannot describe except to say, for me it was like breathing in the fresh ocean air on a hot summers day, feeling the heat of the sun on my body and reaching a climax all at the same time; and yet it was more; so much more. It is a total and pure unadulterated surrendering of the body, mind and soul for the boy to place his being into his SIRS hands! Sir and boy feed off of each other and as time progresses the feedings become larger, for a sense of trust strengthens and knowledge of how to eat from one another becomes familiar and thus the bond which was established grows stronger.
BOYS
I chose to begin with boys first since I have the utmost respect for them, and, being a boy myself for a long period of time (10 yrs) to one man, I understand how difficult it can be at times to follow orders and do as you’re told. Its one thing to sit there and tell everyone what to do but quite another to get off your ass and do it, even if you don’t want to; and, having been in that position, I understand things from a boys point of view in an intimate manner.
IT is VERY important for the boy to communicate his limits, special needs and concerns (such as HIV) to the man he wishes to surrender or submit to. I have found too many men out there who have no clue on what to do, who log in one day and decide to be a top or because they have steroided muscles and are big built, that they are the one to be in charge with absolutely no idea of anything, other than sticking their wanker up a mans butt. Then there are those who are young and at the ripe old age of 18 they call themselves MASTERS even though they are still in high school and living with mommy n daddy. The boys must be especially cautious since they can be physically hurt or psychologically damaged by these idiots. I have heard of many stories from guys who had this happen, by so-called Masters in their 20’s who up and decided that this was who they were without any training other than reading a book or looking through a leather magazine.
Boys also need to be EXTREMELY careful if they are HIV negative and the SIR is positive since one slip up and you can become easily infected. You need to make SURE not to allow anyone tie you up who may then penetrate you when you have no way to get out. Its AS important even if BOTH parties are positive since the virus mutates and if it becomes resistant to all meds, you face an uncertain future! The final decision is up to you but PLEASE think about this before you act..Once you become infected with HIV to which there is still no cure, the side effects of the meds are toxic and the cost is 2 to 4000 dollars a month; so you’d better have good health insurance! In addition, there are other viruses out there, much MORE aggressive than HIV; such as hepatitis A, B, C (A and B have vaccines and you NEED to get them NOW; Hep C has no vaccine OR real treatment and is VERY severe, leading to cancer and liver shutdown which = death). Can be spread by sucking, rimming, fucking; basically blood and semen (cum). The next is herpes which is also forever (HHV) Human Herpes Virus, where your penis (head and/or shaft) breaks out in painful oozing sores from time to time and it IS spread VERY easily. You can get this from sucking OR if you even just lie back and have someone suck YOU and you do NOTHING BACK! It can be spread by kissing also and unprotected anal sex. The next less serious is (HPV) Human Papilloma Virus or the more common name, genital warts, anal warts. these are also very contagious and can be spread just from rubbing your genitals on each other. Do your research, read up, and educate yourself on how to protect your health! There are indeed other ways of catching these diseases but remember, they ARE called Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) and are mostly spread by sexual contact and therefore am limiting my expose to this.
If you are a boy looking for a relationship rather than a quick lay, then you need to NOT give yourself to just anyone who wants to use you. I have found that when you give yourself too fast, you get kicked to the curb the next day or the next week and its time to move on crap. If you only want to trick and go from bed to bed that’s fine, just don’t bitch about the fact that you can’t find anyone, because you don’t find a partner based on how well you perform in bed. No matter HOW incredible you are, the newness WEARS OFF, PERIOD! DONT allow ANY so-called MASTER or SIR use you unless he has intentions of training you for permanent keep or unless you dont mind being used and let go or you are not seeking a relationship. Again the choice is yours. Whatever your choice, dont bitch. Either go after what you truly seek or shut up when things dont go your way. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, is THAT special.
Meeting the prospective SIR for the first time should be done in public. Make sure someone knows where you are with an address and phone number. If the SIR doesn’t provide this and wants all YOUR information but doesn’t offer his, then back off. Dont meet in secluded places or hotel rooms unless someone knows where you are. I have known my share of boys who were beaten severely and a few raped and infected so avoid this. Several have been killed when the situation went bad. Leather S&M has very honorable men but its difficult to decide who’s honorable and who’s a nut job. Is best to err on the side of caution.
The last aspect for the boys I wish to address is the touchy subject of the SIR already having a long-term lover; especially when one is into leather and one isn’t. Many times those already involved have grown sexually tired of each other, so one partner goes out and explores his sexuality in order to spice it up since he isn’t getting it from his lover. He finds a submissive boy to use hence his journey into leather. It appears that most of these men who have long-term partners end up as SIRS for whatever reason. DO these ever evolve into anything long-term? Hard question to answer. I know some who left their long time vanilla companion for their destiny to be with the boy of choice, but much of the time it’s just a short-term affair. Usually the vanilla parter gets really pissed off and forces the hand of the leatherSIR with the boy to dump that boy. (Who’s in charge of who here, SIR or the vanilla parter?)
In ending, I cannot stress to you boys out there to take heed on these issues. Be prudent in who you give your body to and combine following your heart, your head and your dick into one and don’t let one win out over the other. As we say in Greek, you dont look for pearls in shit; neither should YOU!
SIRS
It took me a long time to think about this section. I feel that the responsibility of being in charge; teaching, guiding and leading anyone is an enormous task; let alone coupling that with someone you are involved in a relationship. It is so much more than what goes on in the bedroom; although it would appear now-a-days that nothing other than what goes on in the bedroom with the most amount of guys to play with is the beginning and the end all of who we are as leathermen.
Your obligations as SIR to your sub are great indeed. You represent authority; sexually and otherwise, and it is NOT something to be taken lightly. If you want to embark on this journey, you cannot wake up on a Monday morning and feel like being someones top, declare yourself a MASTER, make up a screen name, go online, and behave as if you know what the hell you’re doing. The damage you can cause can be permanent to the boy; both on a physical as well as emotional and mental level.
To those that are indeed serious about embarking on this journey need to do their research. There are so many varying points of view out there today that it would be good for you to go to leather runs, meetings, events and find out where you feel at ease. Can you experiment sexually; of course, and you can also learn from some good bottom boys who have plenty of experience, aside from other SIRS. Some men are naturally dominant and they can make good Daddies/SIRS, provided they leave themselves open to learn and grow. The community isn’t all that big so if you get a bad rep as a SIR, understand that the word WILL get around. People naturally talk. On the other hand if you have a good rep, that gets around also.
ITs important to learn about technique in bondage, electro, wax, w/s, ff, flogging just to mention a few. You need to know the “how to’s” so you dont hurt anyone. Dont feel embarrassed..ask.
As you know, there are many more bottom boys out there than good SIRS or ANY kind of SIR for that matter so you will have a field day in choosing from all the pups out there. Dont ever let a boy wrest control from you; for any reason. IF the boy tops from the bottom then the entire dynamics of the relationship change; and if that’s what you want, then its ok. If the boy is sick, make sure it is YOU who sends him to bed before he can opt to go there for himself. Being affectionate is fine as well as kissing him. However, there are many boys out there who are experienced and know how to manipulate their SIRS by cajoling, nagging, intimidating among others. I once had a boy who had HIV and used every means at his disposal to get his way; using the HIV card to get away with
EVERYTHING.
There was nothing wrong with his physical health and he tried to intimidate and bully me. To say the least, the boy is LONG gone out of my service. As SIR, you can take your boys suggestions into account as well as his feelings and even ask him for advice if you feel it would be practical and appropriate, but most times, the decisions are yours. However, in my personal opinion, try to keep the boy in mind though when you make decisions, even if you dont tell him or admit to it. Keep in mind that there are so many subtleties in any relationship that it would be beyond the scope of this site to address every issue.
Always respect the man who serves you well. It pisses me off to see these so-called Masters treat their animals better than a human being who is taking care of them. You can be whatever you wish to be toward the boy but do so with respect, even when you feel sadistic. I like to call it *benevolent sadism*. Feed into your boys fetishes. Give him his needs and you will be served WELL! I was told about 10 yrs ago by a Master who visited NYC from Los Angeles (he had 4 slaveboys) that, “a good MASTER is the slave to his boys needs.”
COLLARS (collaring)
A collar is of course circular. It is an outward sign of a commitment given to the boy by his Master or Sir. It is similar in meaning to a wedding ring but worn around the neck instead of the finger. IT is NOT given after an hour trick or a weekend tryst. The collar signifies that the boy belongs to that SPECIFIC man to be guided and treated with respect; NOT abused.
I know of a guy who actually keeps a collar in the trunk of his car just in case he finds some unsuspecting boy who knows no better and gives the collar “just because”. Its his way of getting laid and making that boy feel special but of course there’s no real value behind this since that collar has had more performances than Cats on Broadway. There are quite a few guys who fall for this because they have no one out there to teach them what a scam artist this guy is pulling on them just to get off.
The next bit of garbage is the Engagement Collar. I actually have no clue as to what the guy was talking about. This boy’s Sir used this term and in all my 33 years I have NEVER heard of it. MY opinion on this given what the boy told me was that he wouldn’t really put out until he felt that SIR was giving the boy a genuine committment, so SIR made up the name, gave him this chain and called it an engagement collar. I advised the boy who didn’t take my advisement and 3 weeks later SIR got what he wanted and he dumped the boy. Idiots like this who refer to themselves as SIRS make it extremely difficult and frustrating for the rest of us who ARE genuine.
The final story I am putting on here ( I have many many others ) I heard from a good friend of mine who’s a good boy and title holder. This is about a Master and his slave who wanted a collar. The slave found a collar that looked SO good on him that the Master decided that it in fact did look good on him so the slave was allowed to buy his collar and wear it. I laughed so hard I almost pissed my jeans. When does ANY sub, let alone a slave, get to pick out and BUY his own collar and where does the slave get off REQUESTING to have one because it looks SO good on him and when does the slave get to try on various collars?? My final question. Whats wrong with this entire picture???
I was taught that a collar was usually given AFTER a significant amount of time had passed and usually the SIR MAKES the collar for the boy. It’s NOT a designer collar of couture. As for myself, I buy the raw materials, chain, leather etc and I make the collar for the boy. Some SIRS will choose to have a formal ceremony and others will do it privately. In addition there are usually two collars; one for when the boy is at home or with friends or at a bar or club, and one for when the boy goes or work and cant wear the more substantial collar due to work restrictions.
As for myself, I still wear my former SIRS collar which is 18K gold and given to me after knowing him for 25 years. The collar, which you may be able to see in my photos, will NEVER come off until he dies. Even though I am not his boy, I wear it out of respect for that man who taught me everything I now know. I still refer to him as SIR and there are still certain behaviors and conducts I still adhere to even after 33 years of knowing him. I will discuss these in the PROTOCOL section below.
In closing this section, if you don’t understand the difference between a weekend trick and long-term training, you have no business either giving out a collar or accepting one. You dont throw around a collar anymore than you would throw around the word AIDS, Hepatitis C, or love.
PROTOCOL
The word protocol seems to be a dirty concept. IT appears that it’s a virtual free-for-all with everyone doing anything they wish to do with whoever they want to do it with. There is a sense of utter disrespect for the very word relationship. SIRS can leave their boys and screw around with whoever they wish and coerce the boy to screw around with someone the boy doesn’t like simply because THEY CAN.
Boys want to go off and have other play partners for whatever reason. They have boyfriends, husbands, lovers AND their SIR. Now I was in a polyamorous family with 4 other boys but my SIR didnt trick around with anyone and neither did the boys. When I mention the word Leather Family, honor and protocol, you would have thought I wished someone AIDS.
I have gone into leather events, bars or Runs and if they see me with an attractive boy they will go right up to him and grab his ass without ANY thought to the fact that this guy is with me. On the other hand I have had boys come right up to me even when I am with someone and will almost push the guy out of their way to talk to me and ignore them. There is a TOTAL lack of judgment and respect because, after all, ALL leathermen are pigs and in it only for sex, right? I find the majority of men who refer to themselves as leathermen to be ignorant because they have never been taught protocol in social situations. I prefer to call them men wearing leatherdrag for the sake of getting off. Thats all it is.
There are certain common sense guidelines in various social situations. If SIR wishes to converse with someone, he usually sends his boy to ask the guy to come over. SIR NEVER disrespects his boy by constantly wanting other guys to screw. Thats downright obnoxious and toxic. Flirting is one thing but demanding the boy accept a total stranger and trick just because that’s what SIR wants for the moment is UNACCEPTABLE and the boy should judge for himself if this was a one time thing or is this a consistent pattern. Usually its a consistent pattern. The boy needs to decide if he wishes to tolerate a SIR who wants every boy he sees. Those dynamics will always cause a relationship to fail.
Then there are the boys who have *other* relationships. How in Gods name can a boy wish to serve BUT have other relationships where his attention isn’t focused on his SIR because he has spread himself out with other men? Over the long run these relationships usually don’t work because SOMEONE has to be the primary relationship and if the SIR tolerates that he ISN’T the FIRST priority then I question how much of a SIR he actually is. For single boys, it is fine to approach a SIR with respect, not a comment on his genitals or muscles. Yeah it will get you sex (maybe), if thats all you want, but if you don’t respect yourself don’t expect him to respect you or want anything else from you but yer ass..and then don’t bitch about the fact you cant find anyone when you got yer as all over the city givin’ it away. Any relationship worth anything takes time and effort and is not based on yer sexual gymnastics.
In closing this section, if there’s a lack of protocol within the SIR/boy dynamics, the relationship usually changes into a non SIR/boy dynamic. I cannot stress enough the importance of protocol because when you break that dynamic, you change the bond and you can never go back to what you lost. Usually by this point both guys are seeking other play buds/tricks/relationships and usually with other men that HAVE the dynamic that they lost with the original partner.
TRAINING
Many into this lifestyle are under the assumption that training refers to sexual and nothing more. With many men I have encountered, when someone refers to training it usually means what the SIR likes in bed; his wants, needs and fetishes. Since most of life is lived outside of bed, training refers to the submissive and how he needs to be taught (trained) to his SIR’s needs and wants. Each persons technique varies greatly but there is common ground. Training/teaching share core values that the submissive be treated with respect. Being beaten only serves the purpose to serve out of fear not loyalty, love or devotion and over the long haul it usually doesn’t work or last unless of course the submissive ENJOYS pain and being beaten. The specifics of those dynamics are VERY individualized and it would be ludicrous for me to get into them because we all have different needs with whom we choose to share our attention, love and our bed.
Giving you my particular needs and fetishes also serves no purpose for you who are reading this. It is up to you to determine what works within your encounters and relationships but everyone should be treated appropriately and accordingly WITH respect. Punishment is another vastly misused word. I hear all the time, “I have been a bad boy Daddy. I need to be punished.” Since when does punishment involve getting your fetishes met? Punishment in sexual play is quite different from punishment for an infraction. However most times when it comes to gay men it’s a sexual fetish which has NOTHING to do with the realities of being punished. I usually stop them dead in their tracks when I tell them that, “you DONT want me to punish you because it’s not going to be pleasant. Punishment is not a mode for you to get off, boy.” Theres no need for me to get into MY specifics because you need to find your own as the SIR. As for the boy..DONT ask for punishment because the worst punishment is when you are IGNORED!!!
Last but not least; LEARN LEARN LEARN. Never feel you know it all or let your ego get in the way of going forward. You will never know it all. NEVER!
We went to dinner recently with an S-type acquaintance. They were discussing a D-Type they met with during the previous week, and how their excitement about the possibility of a new relationship fizzled due to the reaction they received from the D-type. When they tried to express their feelings about taking the negotiations and building of a power exchange relationship process slowly to make sure it would be a good fit for both they were met with resistance and even name-calling.
According to the S-Type they had been talking with this D-type occasionally for several weeks, and found they had some things in common. So they mutually decided to take it a step further by starting to compare their needs, wants, and desires. The D-type had asked them about a specific aspects of their submission and expressed an interest in full 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange), and was vying for it fairly quickly. This S-type was fairly new to the scene, and let the D-Type know that they knew wanted to get to know and learn to trust their D-type prior to diving into the “deep end.”
After the S-type explained that stance the D-type’s response was, “Well then you must not be a "True Submissive.”
In that moment, the S-type was taken aback. They tried to explain their position. They reiterated their needs, wants, and desires. Part of that was to be in a 24/7 relationship… however, they wanted to know they could trust their D-type - and that involved time. The S-Type wanted time to get to know them, learning what made them tick, how they liked being served, their style of dominance, etc.
The D-type insisted that they were both ready for a bigger step. And no matter how much time the S-type spent explaining their position the D-type only appeared to listen to the attempts at negotiation by the S-type, and still stood by (and re-iterated) their statement, that if this S-type didn’t XYZ… then they must not be a “True” or “Real” Submissive.
Long story short? The discussion fell apart shortly after that. The D-type went on their merry way, and the S-type called several of their S-type friends to see why and/or if they weren’t a “Real” or “True” Submissive.
Up until now? It’s just a disagreement of labels. One thinks this, the other thinks that. Both parties can agree to disagree and because of the difference in needs, wants and desires they just won’t move forward on the relationship.
Now… here’s where it gets a little dicey. After many discussions, this S-type gets many differing opinions from their S-type friends and acquaintances. Most of them say, “Well… screw that D-type. They are just a jerk.” But once or twice, an S-type that they know says… “well, are you sure you’re a "True Submissive?”, “XYZ is something I’ve done and lots of other submissives do, it’s just part of being a submissive.” “ Maybe you’re just a bottom, or a switch because other submissives do XYZ.”
Labeling permeates the S-type spectrum, especially when it comes to the other S-types labeling each other. Sometimes it is because of their particular specialty: Maybe their specialty is service, or sexuality, or play, or objectification… etc. Perhaps it is the way the S-type refers to themselves: maybe they speak or write in the third person, could be the use slashy speak with the W/we, or maybe they always use lower case letters to denote the S-types. Or maybe they don’t do XYZ, who knows?
Now… Don’t think that this phenomenon is confined to S-types. Oh, No. It is most certainly not. This type of labeling happens on both sides of the slash - and even in the middle - with the “you’re not really a True Switch” - although admittedly the Switchy ones are less inclined to do this.
With the D-types, many times it can be just as insidious. Many of us, no matter length of time in the scene, look at the people who are coming in brand new and say, “Ha! How can you possibly be a Master? You’ve been doing this for 3 days!” Or we see D-Types who list dozens of people on their profile as “Protecting XXX” or “Considering YYY” and think - those D-types just got into the scene a month ago? They may not have been around for very long, have just learned the basics and are trying to manage power exchanges with a dozen or so people? In many old school groups it takes years to get to levels of ownership but these new people are in charge of a “Leather House?“
Or those same names on the D-types fetlife profile change, shift and grow or shrink weekly… And that person gets labeled - whether out loud or in our heads - "Master of the Velcro collar.” Or what about the “Old School” dominants who prefer a male top/female bottom relationship – at times we label them as misogynists or worse.
Overall this labeling causes needless conflict and derision.
Whether from the D side or the S side, we get to determine our own “Trueness,” or “Realness” in any aspect of our lives. We are the only ones who have to look ourselves in the mirror and say, “Yup. That’s me. I am XYZ!” or conversely, “I’m not a PDQ!” It’s amazing that there are still people who put stock in someone else’s opinion of whether they are a “True Submissive” or a “True Master, Dominant, etc…”
Many times, we don’t even know the person. Obviously, (read the sarcasm) their profile tells all about them… NOT! A profile, at best, is an insight into the role or character that the person wants to portray to the Kink Public. It is a public shield, a persona, a coat if you will - that we put on based on the amount of information we want to share. Is it the totality of who we are? Not hardly.
We frequently say, that we are human beings first. Then we are gentlepersons. And after those basic human aspects we are our roles in the scene. It’s important that we first look at each other in that way. We are autonomous humans being. We are experiencing ourselves in a new avenue - one of kink, sensuality, power exchange, sharing sensation, creating connection. Engaging with ourselves to learn and grow as a sexual being.
Getting stuck in a pattern of Comparison and Judgment is a way of thinking and acting that doesn’t serve our growth. How much of our energy is lost fretting over what others do? How much time is spent being angry, frustrated, incensed, or irritated, at the titles, positions, roles that another might assume? What does it matter? Why do we care? What reason do we have for extending or projecting our will or opinion on what empowers someone else?
Does the way that Slave Jenny Jump To It or Master Two Dicks is doing what they are doing diminish what we are doing? FUCK NO! It offers a reflection. It offers the possibility of another facet. It’s a learning experience. We can see what they are doing, and see the excitement that it is bringing them. Maybe we can use what we saw… like a clothes closet. We can take out the piece of clothing and try it on. If it doesn’t fit? We can put it away or better yet - donate it to charity!
We frequently spout this basic rule -
Take what information, education, or experience that resonates with you, and keep it, use it to grow as a person. If it doesn’t apply to you, or you can’t use it, or you think it is crap… No matter where it came from - Throw it out!
You know the old saying, “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and many times they stink!” It’s absolutely true… every single person has an opinion. These opinions come from the experience and understandings that they have developed over their lifetime. Obviously their life experience differs from ours. Hence? Their opinions are primarily suited to them!
What if we only kept what worked - and didn’t become attached to the rest? What would happen if all the energy, focus and time that we used to compare and judge another were used for our own self growth and development? How much more would be available for our own sexiness? For our own shining?
There is a saying from Voltaire’s Candide, which has been adapted and shifted, goes something like this, “Tend your own garden, let others tend to theirs. May they have flowers or cabbage, both are beautiful.”
Sometimes people mistake that for just meaning, “mind your own business.” But it doesn’t just mean, “don’t worry about what others are doing.” This saying means - plant the seeds of the things you want to grow in fertile soil. Tend to the creations, the businesses, the connections, the relationships, the “self,” that you are building… give it life, allow those things you have made to flourish. Become truly the “you” that you want to be - whatever your label for it.
So, whatever people say… Just realize that you are the “Truest” or the “Realest” you that you can be.
Stop worrying about dick size and start paying attention to what you’re doing
After the weekends shannonigans and naked card games I was thinking about hang ups and penis size. It was clear that as the 12 of us were standing naked around the table there was at least a little bit of sizing up going on. At first everybody was quite shy but then as people began to realise that it really didn’t matter, or they were too drunk to care, they began to relax and not worry quite so much about letting it “hang out”.
As gay men penis size is something that we all think about at some point. Even for those not obsessed with it they must still live with a culture that for the most part is.
But what is it about penis size that is so attractive. Big dicks have not always been seen as desirable. It’s only as cultural perceptions of what is attractive have changed that our opinions about big dicks have too.
Everyday my spam folder gets filled with emails about adding extra inches to my dick. “Get a better sex life, add 2 inches” and bullshit titles like that which miss the point. Gay mens magazines and pop culture are full of photoshopped dicks that resemble cast members from snakes on a plane. Our mouths might water when we see them but the reality of what they can do for us is often disappointing. The fact is that having a bigger dick won’t make sex better, learning how to use the inches you’ve got will!
I’ve met guys with regular sized dicks who were amazing and guys with huge dicks who were terrible. Lets be honest, a dick can be too big. The really big dicks can have trouble getting fully erect and if your with a Top who doesn’t know what he is doing they can do some real damage. Small dicks can hurt just as much as the big ones if they are not used properly, proof that it’s not the size of the wand but the skill of the Wizard that wields it.
If you have a big dick, don’t go balls deep on the first thrust.
If you have a small dick, grinding can feel better than thrusting for your partner
So next time you are scanning the naked guys around the card table, at the pool or in the locker room remember that your dick has just as much potential to give pleasure as everybody else. Take some time to read the manual and pay attention to what works and what doesn’t work for you and your lover.
Life is great when you’re on top. All you have to do is bend your lover/stranger you met on Grindr over and slip, push, shove, ram, pound or pummel it in. All of the pleasure, none of the work, right? However, it can also be hard. Not only do you literally have to stay hard on top, you also need the stamina, skill and technique to make it a pleasurable experience for all parties. There can be a lot of pressure to perform.
FS rounded up a team of tops, looked over our shoulders, and asked them what they love about topping, what they expect from a bottom and what they think makes a good top. Is it a case of every hole is a goal (which is a weird analogy to use for gay sex, as I bet hardly any of them have kicked a football in their life)? Or does it take more to make topping tip-top?
OK, here we go. From the top…
TOP-NOTCH
Apart from a primal urge to put your penis into orifices, what exactly is so good about being a top?
“I appreciate a guy’s whole body,” explains Mike. “I get a lot of pleasure from arse play – rimming and fingering – before fucking. So, fucking is the culmination of lots of body, ass and cock play. I enjoy the sensation and sight of my cock entering a guy’s arse and the action of fucking, whether it is doggy or on his back.”
For Kieran, it’s a case of mind over penis matters. “The sensation is great, but the psychology takes it to the next level. Sliding into a tight but well lubed hole and feeling it throb and relax around you is amazing, but seeing your bottom’s eyes widen, their skin flush, pupils dilate and that gasp of breath – it makes it a fully sensory experience rather than just the nerve endings in my dick.
“Sensation-wise it can be a bit samey after a while as a top, so it’s the mental aspect that really keeps me going. Hearing their moans, seeing their goosebumps, skin getting flushed and red makes me feel awesome. It’s that primal thing – the look of surprise and then delight as your bottom suddenly realises he’s going to cum hands free is the biggest ego trip.”
“For me, being a top was always a process of elimination,” believes Will. “I’m just not a bottom. I’ve tried it and I didnt enjoy it. However, I do like being in control, which isn’t to say a bottom can’t take control – I like it when they do! I just think if I had to sum up what I like most, I think pleasure and satisfaction is easier to see in a bottom. You know if you’ve done a good job and that feels good to me. I like pleasing my partner, making them squirm/hyperventilate/moan/scream, and I’m not satisfied until they are.”
BEST OF BUMMING
For a career top, there’s often one spectacular time that convinces them to dedicate their life to the rhythmic art of anal entering.
Kieran regales us with his top topping tale. “It was with a guy who was so happy and confident in his identity as a bottom and at ease with his physicality that he was really comfortable to try different positions. We had great chemistry and synergy, which, as much as he was physically incredibly attractive, mostly came from his confidence in his sexual role. Being a good bottom is a thing to be proud of – and boy was he! We moved all over the place, trying different positions, speeds, combinations of things up him and it was all a really enjoyable experience about two people exploring their bodies together and wanting to make the other feel good. Only through trial and error did we find a really random position that made him go crazy – we’d never have gotten there if he didn’t have that comfort level.”
“Mine was in a sauna,” explains Mike, “I was fucking a guy in a sling while being watched by several other guys who were getting off and wanking. I got off on being watched, performing and being encouraged by them and the guy I was fucking was taking my cock like a pro. Watching the guys shoot their cum over the guy as I was fucking him put me over the edge.”
One guy put Will under his spell. “One of the best bottoms I ever fucked did something fucking magical with the muscles in his arse. He squeezed my cock in ways I’d never felt before. It was amazing and it made me go crazy. We were at a (non-drug) sex party and I’d just met him and did this in front of five or six other guys. The combination of all of that turned me on probably more than I’ve ever been in my life. I nearly came right away.”
BUMMED OUT
As committed as they are to their topping vocations, was there any time that they considered turning their back (so to speak) on their bum bashing ways?
Sometimes shit happens, quite literally in the case of Adam. “I was having a hard and deep session with a talented power bottom. There were toys, there was pounding, there was sweat, and there was dirty talk. It was a really good, animalistic session. Just as we were about to have a dildo and my cock in his butt simultaneously there was an ‘evacuation’. It wasn’t a lot of shit, but enough, and it stank. I rushed the dildo (which caught the worst of it) to the toilet to flush it off and wash it while he sorted his bedding, but the smell was making me retch. The smell stuck in my nose, it was horrid. A quick break and a shower later and we went back to some old-fashioned-oral instead.”
“I dated a guy that refused to use lube,” says Will. “He said he reacted badly to it. We tried it with spit*, but after much squeezing and ‘ouching’ from both of us, I realised I’d made his arse bleed. The whole thing was just a fucking nightmare. It was so uncomfortable for both of us. That was our fourth date and I didn’t see him again. I actually just shuddered while telling you this.”
A TOP’S TIPS
What does a top want from a bottom (other than the ability to be pounded like a piñata)?
Mike explains what he expects from his partners loud and clear. “I’m very vocal when fucking – well, when I’m enjoying sex generally – and I like the guy I’m fucking to be vocal too. His pleasure is very important to me and by speaking up I know how much he’s enjoying getting fucked, taking my cock, whether he wants more of it or less. Depending on the guy, fucking him on his back is great because we can kiss and we can both see each other’s pleasure.”
“Aside from the basics – cleanliness and proper man-scaping – a willingness to submit and trust is a really key element,” says Kieran. “They’ve got to be into it and willing to go through that uncomfortable first moment as they relax and get into the groove. Once they’re there, they need to feel comfortable to encourage you with the right kinds of noises. If you like what I’m doing then let me know with a few good appreciative moans. If I’m doing it wrong, don’t be afraid to ask for a different angle or position – and a hand signal on the abs just to slow them down can work wonders.”
Kieran thinks that certain positions can peak the pleasure and can also be part of a good fitness regime. “My two favourite things that a bottom can do are about position. The first is to lay on their back and open up their legs nicely high and wide for you, showing off the target and your prize – have confidence in your hole, it’s sexy. The second is bending and doing the lower back arch, where it makes the butt stick up and look extra perky. It’s even a yoga move - Happy Cat.”
“A good bottom is many things,” explains Will. “Clean first of all, as a good bottom will make sure no amount of rough pounding will jar anything loose. I’m also a big fan of rimming, but of course conditions must be clear. After that, a good bottom shouldn’t have a ‘lie there and take it’ attitude. Just because I’m a top doesn’t mean I have to do everything. Power bottoms are hot. They also shouldn’t be too loose OR too tight. Maybe a strange thing to say, but too tight does nothing for me. It’s uncomfortable for me squeezing in there, and it seems like it hurts them. I want to be able to go balls deep without either of us feeling like we’re going to tear something. On the other hand, too loose just makes me wonder where the fuck they’ve been. Unfair perhaps, but true.”
WHAT MAKES A GOOD TOP?
When asking this question, it’s probably best to ask a man on the receiving end.
“It really depends on the situation,” explains Craig. “If it’s in the moment, then being ‘taken’ can be hot. Once a guy blindfolded me, on all fours on the hallway floor and he just forced his cock in my throat and arse. I never saw his face but he was dominant and knew what he wanted. However, most of the time it’s a connection that works, someone who takes their time to work you over and establishes that connection and shows you respect.”
This is something our top consultant Kieran agrees with. “I think that tops need to respect bottoms a lot more. It makes me mad when I hear people denigrating bottoms or acting as if being a top is superior. Get over yourself and your stupid insecurity – without bottoms we’d be left aggressively jousting one another in a never ending “no, you’re bottom” loop and we’d never get anywhere. Respect them, fuck them, and thank them. And bottoms, don’t fuck with a top that doesn’t respect your vital hole role.”
TOP RISKS
“Pretty much every gay man knows that the top is less at risk of getting HIV from anal sex than the bottom,” says GMFA’s CEO, Matthew Hodson.
“But in just the last few weeks I’ve seen men posting on message boards saying that the reason they’ve managed to stay HIV-negative is because they’re always the top.
And if you think about how HIV is transmitted, and how particularly vulnerable the arse is to viral infection, of course that makes sense.”
“However, being a top still carries a significant risk for HIV,” Matthew goes on to explain, “especially if you have unprotected sex and if your partner has undiagnosed (and untreated) HIV infection. It’s estimated that being the bottom in sex is between four to seven times more risky than being the top, but that still puts being a top in unprotected anal sex among the most high-risk activities. It’s riskier being a top than it is to suck cock. The guy who reckons he’s not at risk just because he’s always a top, may just have been lucky, so far.”
Matthew also believes confidence is key to staying safer. “I think for many men safer sex is difficult because they’re not confident about being a top. If you’re worried you’re going to lose your erection then you may be more reluctant to break the spontaneity or reduce the sensation by putting on a condom. It is worth shopping around for a condom that feels right for the shape and size of your cock and, so long as you use plenty of lube, there’s no need to wear an extra-thick condom just because you’re having anal sex.”
“There’s still a common feeling that being a top is somehow being more of a man. Every man, whether they’re gay or straight, has the capacity to get sexual pleasure from bottoming – physiologically, we’re all made more or less the same way. Similarly we all have the capacity to get pleasure from being a top.”
For alternative communities, the use of the term “dominance” first arose in the 1970s gay community when it became unpopular to feminize the submissive one in same-sex couples (TorqueDom, 2000). In the BDSM context, dominance is seen as a personality trait that can exist in or outside of a relationship and can apply in a single scene or a lifetime lifestyle (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).
