"Something can both be subversive but also problematic at the same time."
The use of she/her pronouns by cisgender gay men, along with words such as "girl" or "honey," is a long-standing and increasingly visible practice. For many gay men, using these words with their friends is a way of embracing femininity and showing vulnerability or affection to others who share their identities. Creating a shared culture — including language — around femininity can be a way of reclaiming the bases for oppression many gay men have experienced, as well as disrupting the harmful gender binary.
But few if any linguistic practices are all one thing, all the time. In a culture where women and femininity have long been denigrated and belittled, there is a danger that cis men using these words can perpetuate some of these negative tropes. It may be time to reevaluate cis gay men’s use of words like "she" and "girl" to make sure they align with ongoing efforts to respect nonbinary gender identities, and avoid making assumptions about people’s pronouns. Linguists, social scientists, and critics have observed and studied cis gay men’s use of “she,” and their assessments point to the multiple and often conflicting dimensions of the practice.
“Something can both be subversive but also problematic at the same time,” explains Lal Zimman, a linguistics professor at UC Santa Barbara who specializes in trans language practices. “It seems almost impossible to subvert the current systems that we’re living in without somehow relying on those systems. So for it even to make sense for gay men to use ‘she,’ we have to have some kind of association with ‘she,’ and usually that association is femininity, whatever that might mean to us or our culture.”
Historically, queer men and women switched their use of gender pronouns so that they could openly communicate with one another in times when it was not safe to openly have same-sex relationships. This practice — sometimes called "she-ing" — has a centuries-long history around the world, including England, Peru, the Philippines, and South Africa. “Men using women’s pronouns, and women using men’s pronouns, has got an enormous time depth in American lesbian-gay English. It’s not a recent formation at all,” explains William Leap, an emeritus professor of anthropology at American University and pioneering expert on queer linguistics.
Gay men calling each other "she" or "girl" was historically a way of protecting themselves as well as building community in the context of homophobic and violent mainstream culture. Leap has traced many of the roots of American queer linguistics to the Harlem Renaissance. “In Harlem, incredible forms of sexualized language emerged in the context of the linguistic florescence called Harlemese, which was the language of everyday life in Harlem,” says Leap, who is currently finishing a book entitled Language Before Stonewall. “Part of that was this wonderful speaking style that had to do with sexual sameness. One of the things that you get there is incredible playing with pronouns.”
Black queer people of all genders played with their use of pronouns and gendered language during the Harlem Renaissance. Leap pointed to 1920s blues music — including artists such as Ma Rainey and Ethel Waters — as a place where examples of Harlemese gender play can be found. Leap urged me to listen to Ethel Waters’ “My Handyman” as an example of playing with gender; apparently the song was actually referencing a woman. The lyrics include “He shakes my ashes, greases my griddle / Churns my butter, strokes my fiddle” and “Sometimes he's up long before dawn / Busy trimming the rough edges off my lawn.”
This practice is also visible in letters from soldiers during World War II, Leap explains. In the 1940s, military censors were on the lookout for evidence of homosexuality, which could provoke a military investigation. To evade this, soldiers would shift the pronouns in their letters, allowing them to, as Leap put it, “say all kinds of things about what they were up to and what kind of fun they were having.”
Leap also stresses that there are usually multiple reasons a linguistic practice is used, and the history of certain words does not necessarily form a linear path to their use today. “Because this is the history doesn’t mean this is the antecedent to today’s practice,” Leap explains. “But it kind of puts today’s practice into a broader framework of what pronoun shifts could mean. Now, do today’s young people know that when they say things like, ‘Is she for real?’ I don’t know.”
Using words like "she" and "girl" can be a way for cis gay men to bond and embrace femininity. “When I was growing up I didn’t want to be called ‘girl.’ And I would ask myself, why? What’s wrong with that? And that’s because of the way I was socialized and affected by the patriarchy,” says Black writer and activist Darnell Moore, a queer cisgender man. “Now if someone calls me ‘girl,’ I’m fine with that…. the context in which I’ve experienced this for the most part has been one of a willingness to move beyond the rigidity of markers of a certain type of manhood and masculinity.”
Yet some women have experienced gay men using words like “girl” toward them in ways that don’t feel all that different from the misogyny they have experienced from straight men. “It got kind of weird when I was doing things in a leadership role in LGBT spaces, and ‘girl’ was used toward me as a way of putting down my ideas,” says Brianne Huntsman, a cis queer woman who lives in Salt Lake City. “I also saw it being negatively used when white gay men would say, like, ‘Oh girl, what are you talking about,’ and they would be talking to a woman of color, especially a Black woman. That was very loaded, given how African American people have been treated in the sense of people calling them ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ to deny them their adulthood and ability to make decisions for themselves.”
Considering misogyny within gay men’s language practices raises the question of how using words like “girl” or “honey” is connected to their use of other, more controversial words that have historically been used to demean women, such as “bitch” and “cunt.” Multiple interviewees referenced RuPaul’s Drag Race as a show that has popularized the use of words associated with femininity among cis gay men. RuPaul has also been widely criticized for his transphobic views on drag. He uses the acronym CUNT to describe a drag queen’s ideal qualities — charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Another term that has been popularized on the show, “hunty,” is a combination of the words “honey” and “cunt.”
“Gay men are a large group of people with a lot of different kinds of relationships to gender, and I think there are absolutely gay men who operate in relation to feminine language that really is a reflection of their male privilege, whether it’s through using it in ways that denigrate or stereotype women, or whether it’s just feeling license to use the language how they see fit,” says Zimman, the linguist from UC Santa Barbara. “Of course, gay men are men. Men are prone toward misogyny, so that’s not something to be left out of the picture.”
Other aspects of identity, particularly race, also provide important context for this practice. Much of the history, as well as the more contemporary popularization of cis men using terms like "she/her," has Black and Latinx roots. Paris Is Burning, the 1990 documentary on Harlem’s drag ball scene, as well as Drag Race, have brought the use of words like "she" and "girl" between Black and Latinx drag queens to a wider gay (and straight) audience; today this is something employed by gay men of all races. As with all language, context is important. Wealthy white gay cis men calling each other "girl" may be drastically different from Black or Latinx gay cis men who continue to be marginalized in very different ways.
As is visible in a film like Paris Is Burning, a few decades ago there were more shared spaces, language, and culture between cis gay men, trans women, and gender-nonconforming individuals. In ball culture during the 1980s, the use of a shared vocabulary could signal inclusion, affection, and safety. But in recent decades, this context has changed. “Part of the difficulty is the way that queer politics has come to be very much about sexuality and not gender,” explains Zimman. “This is the mainstream gay idea of being just like straight people, except for whom one is attracted to. That kind of rejection of gender nonnormativity also gives us the situation we find today, where we have more of a split between gay men and trans women, for instance, than we might have seen in previous decades.”
Alex, who identifies as a nonbinary transfemme and asks that their real name not be used, sometimes feels uncomfortable with cis men using "she/her" toward them. “With ‘girl/she/her,’” they say, “if I’m socializing with cis gay men and that’s what they’re using to describe each other and to describe me, there is a little bit of dissonance there, because I’m not really sure if they’re using that to validate my gender, or if it’s being used as it’s used with other cis gay men.”
There are critical efforts in trans and queer spaces to dissociate pronouns from specific identities. Gay men’s tradition of playing with pronouns and refusing to abide by the gender binary can be a part of this effort. It’s also important to recognize that individuals may identify with different pronouns at different points in their lives, or multiple pronouns all at once. Again, this practice can help normalize that. But as we continue to work on rejecting damaging norms around gender and sexuality, it’s important to question how we employ words and what associations we are invoking. It’s also important to ensure through affirmative consent that people are comfortable with the pronouns and other words used to refer to them.
“I think that with the context in which cis men come to understand ourselves, as shaped by patriarchy and sexism, there’s a need to be thoughtful about our uses of language,” says Moore. “It’s so important. And yet the queer potential, the radical potential in queerness, is our ability to fuck with language.”
It’s perhaps to be expected that previous generations of gay men, when homosexuality was legislated against, had to look beyond obvious channels for information about gay sex and relationships – but what about the gay youth of today?
Recently, the Government announced that it wouldn’t be requiring schools to provide Sex and Relationships Education (SRE), despite widespread support for the proposal. With sex education off the classroom agenda, many gay teenagers may have no choice but to learn about sex through porn, but is porn helpful or harmful when it comes to learning about sex by watching porn.
EDUCATIONAL TOOL
This month we asked 1,023 FS readers about porn, health, and their experience of sex education. Of the men we spoke to:
82% didn’t get any education about gay sex at school.
16% got little or no information.
1% said that gay sex was spoken about many times at school.
1% were taught at school about gay sex.
If our school system provided just 2% of FS readers with rudimentary information about gay sex and relationships, what about the other 98%?
Of the men we surveyed, 41% said they learned about anal sex, and 34% said they learned about oral sex, from watching porn. Other significant sources of information include sex partners (35% learned about anal sex, and 28% learned about oral sex, from sex partners) and friends (14% learned about anal sex, and 23% learned about oral sex, from friends). Only five percent learned about oral sex from school, and only two percent learned about anal sex from school.
In an era where virtually every gay teenager has access to the internet, many are likely accessing porn as a way of educating themselves about sex and all things gay – especially when other sources aren’t providing answers. If porn really is the number one source of information, what did it teach us – and what are young gay teenagers learning today when they watch gay porn?
LESSONS IN GAY PORN
Of the men we surveyed who watch porn, the vast majority watch porn several times a week or more (52% watch porn a few times a week, and 29% watch porn every day).
With a massive variety of porn available, we asked our readers what type of sex they mainly like to watch, and the results were:
88% anal
71% bareback (no condoms)
71% oral
69% group/orgy
55% amateur
54% gangbang
38% role playing (police officer/prisoner, etc)
31% uniforms
30% watersports (piss)
29% vanilla
29% safer only (condoms only)
28% voyeur
25% solo
25% bondage
19% rubber/leather
17% fisting
15% men and women
13% SM/CP
If gay men are using porn as an unofficial educational resource, it’s noteworthy that watching bareback sex is the second most popular choice, with 71% admitting they like to watch bareback porn compared with 29% who like to watch porn with condoms?
BARE APPEAL
Of the guys surveyed, 56% acknowledge that they find bareback porn more appealing. Many said that it’s because they see it as more ‘natural’, free of the burden of condoms.
“I just find it more aesthetically pleasing to watch without a condom in the way,” says Jay, 18 from Kildare, “if both actors are aware of the other’s status and are okay with shooting the scene without the use of a condom.”
“It’s raw and natural and realistic,” says Matt, 31 from Rotherham. “Seeing cum ooze from a man’s arse and knowing he’s taken a load up him is a real turn on.”
“It’s more like the sex I have with my long term partner,” adds Ryan, 23 from Birmingham. “It’s more natural. Also the ejaculations are more relaxed as there’s no condom to remove.”
Several guys admit that the taboo of bareback sex makes it more thrilling to watch.
“There is something very primitive about bareback sex,” says Jamie, 26 from London. “Perhaps it’s because we all know it’s something we shouldn’t be doing.”
“It’s the forbidden thing to do, so it’s very exciting,” says Sebastian, 37 from London. “I particularly enjoy bareback anonymous sex scenes. They really turn me on. This is probably because I would never do it in real life. But it’s a great fantasy.”
“People tend to gravitate towards danger, and barebacking is certainly full of risks,” adds Rob, 17 from Dublin. “I think that in certain situations it makes it ‘sexier’ but also adds a sense of intimacy.”
“It is mainly the mixture of forbidden fruit,” agrees Liam, 33 from London, “along with the desire to have the perceived intimacy of bareback sex, but I’ve only started watching bareback porn as it has increased and become more popular.”
MORE BB PORN
Is bareback porn becoming more popular? Liam Cole produces bareback porn in Europe for Treasure Island Media (TIM), the US-based gay porn studio that specialises in bareback films.
“Bareback gay porn continues to merge back into the mainstream,” he says. “This has been an ongoing process for at least the last fifteen years, as condomless fucking is reinstated as standard industry practice for gay porn.”
Steven Chinnery, Managing Director for Eurocreme Group, acknowledges that porn studios across the board are producing more bareback porn now than they have in recent years. “Bareback has become the norm once more, with many previously staunch anti-bareback studios becoming avid supporters of it,” he says. “Advances in medication and knowledge of HIV here helped this become less of a stigma for performers of bareback porn, which in turn makes it a bit easier for the studios.”
Although the main Eurocreme brand and its sibling studios DreamBoy, Dads Fucking Lads, Bulldog and Alphamales focus on condom-style porn, they’ve also started to make bareback porn. “We have since introduced Bulldog Raw, which takes the modern fetish style of Bulldog (condom) and adds the bareback element to it. This was the most obvious choice for us to go bareback. And we have added a Daddy Fucks Raw title to the Dads studio, and started a Back Alley studio which is bareback, realtime sex with a hot amateur style.”
So why are studios such as Eurocreme, whose content always featured condoms, following the likes of TIM by introducing bareback content? And does this signify the end of condoms in porn? “We wish to cater for as wide an audience as possible, and bareback is a fundamental part of this task,” Steven explains. “At the moment, I don’t think there would be a time when the majority of our content is bareback – there are models who prefer to film condom-only, and there are viewers who prefer condom-only porn. This isn’t a politically charged answer. I see bareback as a choice to watch and condom as a choice to watch – and since we have introduced bareback, it hasn’t blown revenues sky high, nor has our condom porn fallen off a cliff. It’s a pretty decent balance. If it happens, and bareback becomes the majority – as long as we follow our guidelines on safety and keep our models educated, that’s all we can hope for.”
FANTASY
Another reason cited for preferring to watch bareback porn is as a substitute for actually having bareback sex.
Watching porn is an easy way for me to fantasise about bareback sex without having to have bareback sex with a stranger when I’m horny,” says John, 27 from Ireland. “That would be reckless and unsafe.”
“Because it’s something I don’t do in real life, I use porn to play out that fantasy,” adds Ryan, 29 from London.
“It gives me the thrill without having to partake in bareback sex,” says Jack, 29 from Dublin.
“It allows me to see skin on skin sex, which I don’t actually do for safety reasons,” says Gavin, 48 from Brighton.
“It helps keep me on the straight and narrow, and stops me from seeking out riskier sex,” says Aaron, 28 from Leeds.
“I wish I could have every guy I sleep with cum in me,” admits Daz, 32 from London, “but because it is risky I fantasise about it in porn.”
However some of the men we surveyed admit they worry that watching bareback porn may lead to them having more risky sex. “It’s definitely more of a turn on, including the perceived horniness of doing something you shouldn’t,” says Jay, 28 from Manchester. “But it also scares me and reminds me of the risks – sometimes with associated guilt and worry that enjoying this type of porn may mean I could be more prone to putting myself at risk.”
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Despite Jay’s concerns, 78% of those surveyed say that watching bareback porn hasn’t led to them personally having unprotected sex.
“I have watched bareback porn on many occasions,” says Simon, 28 from Bedford, “however not once in the years of having gay sex have I ever had bareback sex.”
“I know the difference between fantasy and reality,” says Sebastian, 37 from London. “I also enjoy playing video games shooting people, but it doesn’t make me want to shoot anyone in real life.”
“Definitely not,” says John, 22 from Reading. “If you want to know why people bareback, look at alcohol and substance abuse. The only time I have taken risks is when I’ve not been in a state of mind to think clearly.”
“The times I’ve had bareback sex wasn’t to imitate porn,” adds Aidan, 35 from Wiltshire. “It was spur of the moment, because I was horny.”
BAD EDUCATION
However, 13% believe that watching bareback porn affected their decision to have unprotected sex.
“I’ve let my guard down a couple of times with men I think I can trust,” says Paul, 35 from Sheffield. “Would I have done that had I not watched bareback porn? I can’t be certain, but I suspect it’s encouraged me to want to try what I’ve been watching.”
“To some degree we are led by example,” acknowledges Peter, 39 from London. “And so we are able to be influenced by the experiences we expose ourselves to.”
“I think the two have developed together,” says Bruce, 35 from Leeds. “As my preference for bareback sex developed, so did my preference for bareback porn.”
“We have also seen studies that show that men who favor porn with condoms are more likely to have protected sex – although it’s hard to say whether it’s the porn that dictates the behavior or the behavior that dictates the porn.” – GMFA’s Matthew Hodson
“Although it’s difficult to say with certainty that there’s a causal relationship between bareback porn and unprotected sex, it’s clear that many men perceive that watching bareback porn makes it more likely that they’ll have unprotected sex,” says GMFA’s Matthew Hodson. “We have also seen studies that show that men who favour porn with condoms are more likely to have protected sex – although it’s hard to say whether it’s the porn that dictates the behaviour or the behaviour that dictates the porn.”
NORMALITY
If condom-free porn is becoming the standard industry practice, does the normality of bareback porn affect gay men’s attitudes towards sex?
“I believe that watching other people have sex without condoms, whether that’s in a video or in your front room, does at the least serve to normalise that behaviour,” GMFA’s Matthew Hodson adds.
“I do think bareback in ‘real life’ has become more prevalent,” says Steven from Eurocreme, “and maybe this is a generational thing more than a porn thing, where those born after the tombstone-era of HIV just aren’t aware of the condition as much, or that it’s not seen as the death sentence it once was – and so bareback is seen as socially acceptable while still risky. Porn always relates to what people want to see, or like to do themselves, so bareback can be seen to cover both those bases now.”
“Porn provides an outlet for sexual fantasy,” Matthew acknowledges. “For some, protective behaviors, like wearing a condom, take you out of that fantasy and into the real world where sex comes with risks. For others, unprotected sex just reminds them of the potential for harm that the actors are exposed to, and that takes them out of the fantasy. In recent years we have seen indicators of a gradual increase in unprotected sex. Uninhibited sex, sometimes fueled by chems, has contributed to this. However it’s also true that we know much more about treating HIV now, so it’s become a manageable long term condition, and I’m sure that has also played a role in the reduction in condom use.
“But it’s important to remember that sexual safely is not defined by condom use alone,” Matthew adds. “Someone who is undetectable on treatment and who has maintained that low level of virus for about six months is very unlikely to transmit HIV to their sexual partners. Condom use has become so totemic that it’s often used interchangeably with safer sex. In reality, there are a number of different ways that you can protect yourself and your partner against HIV infection – although condoms carry the crown for their ability to also protect against so many other STIs.”
SIDE EFFECTS
Besides the concerns around bareback porn, some of the men we surveyed identified a variety of other negative effects from their porn-viewing habits.
“Watching porn reduces my sex drive and affects sexual performance if I watch it too much,” says Chris, 35 from London. “Because of this I cut down on watching it, as it raises the amount of stimulation I need to get aroused. As I know it is bad for me, if I do end up watching porn I have felt guilty on occasions.”
“I even struggle to stay hard for real sex. Real sex just doesn’t match up to porn. I’ve become too used to the perfectly choreographed scenes and unrealistic men.“
“Sometimes I wonder if watching too much porn is affecting my intimacy with others,” says John, 27 from Ireland. “I find it difficult to ejaculate when in the company of someone else, and I can now time when I’ll ejaculate when watching porn.”
“I’ve lost control over my porn use, and can rarely go a day without it now,“ admits C, 30 from London. “I even struggle to stay hard for real sex. Real sex just doesn’t match up to porn. I’ve become too used to the perfectly choreographed scenes and unrealistic men. I’m addicted to porn, and have porn-induced erectile dysfunction. I’m trying to quit, but it’s a struggle.”
“Porn has always been about fantasy,” explains GMFA’s Matthew Hodson. “The dominant gay porn fantasy appears to be about men with amazing bodies and huge cocks, enjoying sex without any discomfort, mess, or sexual health consequences. Real life rarely lives up to that.”
PORN EXPECTATIONS
“Gay men who struggle with their use of chems for sex often say that it’s as a result of wanting to live up to the porn fantasy of sex,” Matthew adds.
“It’s a part of the struggle of modern life that our expectations are often raised far beyond what we are likely to achieve.”
Steven from Eurocreme disagrees, adding: “Gay porn, I believe, doesn’t set the standard for sex. It acts as an access point to find what you’re into. Some people may be disappointed in sex at times – even porn stars get that from time to time – but that’s life. Not every day will be a blast, so why should we expect the same to happen in sex?
“If you feel down in the dumps regularly in life, you should talk about it with someone and inevitably try changing your perception or find what’s bringing you down and change it. The same goes for sex.
“If you watch god-like hardcore action and find yourself unable to orgasm with your husband, boyfriend or latest hookup from Grindr, perhaps it’s not porn that’s the problem. Porn may act as a focus, but it shouldn’t be regarded as an all-out cause.”
PORN ADDICTION
Several guys also worry about the amount of porn they watch – in fact, 20% of the men we surveyed think they watch too much porn.
“Sometimes watching porn in the mornings makes me late for work,” admits James, 27 from Manchester, “therefore maybe I’m watching too much.”
“I think I should be spending my time doing something more useful,” says Peter, 35 from London. “Or just having sex instead of watching.”
“I work from home, for myself, and it can be easy to get distracted and spend time watching porn,” says H, 39 from London, “when I know I should be working or getting ready to go out.”
“I feel guilty for wasting time watching porn,” admits Matt, 31 from Rotherham. “I fear being judged, and that my boyfriend will think I don’t find him attractive because I watch porn.”
But it’s not all bad – some see positive effects of watching porn.
“Porn is a way to explore fantasies and sexuality without being unfaithful,” says Mike, 22 from Ipswich.
“Porn makes my relationship healthier,” says Chris, 37 from Cheltenham. “It’s an outlet, it serves a purpose and is a fictional release. It makes space for intimacy.”
EDUCATION
No matter what we may take from porn, watching a gay porn video is probably not the best way to learn about real-life sex and relationships.
“I would hope the education system would change soon on this topic and offer advice,” says Steven of Eurocreme. “I remember at school the only information we got about gay sex was that men have sex in saunas, and everyone then looked back at me as the only out guy in the class.”
“It’s a damning indictment of the lack of inclusivity in our sex education that so many gay men feel they got little or nothing of value to them from school,” says Matthew of GMFA. “Considering the high levels of health inequalities that gay and bisexual men and women suffer, ensuring that all pupils receive honest, inclusive sex and relationship education should be a priority.”
“I believe that education comes from schools as well as at home,” adds Steven. “It’s a very ‘pass-the-responsibility’ culture we live in now. Porn is always the first to get attacked. I think it’s a very easy assumption to make that people emulate what they see, but I don’t think that is the case at all. Porn is a way of finding what you are into, what floats your boat, and sometimes that might be something that you prefer to keep in the realm of fantasy. You might be into something that your friend, parent, MP or priest may find disgusting or abhorrent, but you find it a portal to pure pleasure – who is to say what is wrong, what you should and shouldn’t try or enjoy? As long as it’s all consensual, and done as a pleasure point for all, what’s the real harm, self-expression or censorship?”
“Commercial pornography is primarily a consumer product, not an educational tool,” adds Liam of TIM. “Attempting to emulate porn by imitation is unlikely to be the best way to enjoy your own sex life. Young people should be educated about gay and straight sex, non-judgementally, and a critical approach to pornography should be part of that education.”
Until our education system properly addresses the needs of gay teenagers, we will most likely keep relying on porn for information and education. If this is the case, is there anything that studios like Eurocreme and TIM might do to help young gay men be better informed about real gay sex? “I would love it if all porn at the very least provided signposting to GMFA’s site, so that gay men could get better information about the risks of different sexual acts,” says Matthew, “as well as advice on how to have the best sex with the least harm.”
Although it’s created purposefully as wank-fodder to arouse us, gay porn looms large across the gay scene – both as an unofficial educational tool, and as a mirror that reflects our changing habits, tastes and interests. And it takes more than a Kleenex to mop up its far-reaching effects.
BLAME GAME
We asked all those who responded to our survey who they thought is responsible for sex education.
56% believe ‘The responsibility for gay sex education lies with the government.’
51% believe ‘The responsibility for gay sex education lies with parents.’
44% believe ‘The responsibility for gay sex education lies with sexual health charities.’
25% believe ‘The responsibility for gay sex education lies with friends.’
19.5% believe ‘The responsibility for gay sex education lies with porn companies.’
84% agreed that ‘sexual health charities should be supported more by the current government.’
Only 8% of gay men believe ‘The sex education system for gay men is good.’
We reached out to Nicky Morgan, the Secretary of State for Education, for a comment but at the time of publishing we had failed to get a response from her and her office. However, in a previous interview she responded when four key House of Commons committees wrote to her pressing for sex education to be made statutory in primary and secondary schools. She said the government will continue to keep the subject’s status under review.
Deborah Gold, Chief Executive of the National AIDS Trust said she was extremely disappointed with Nicky Morgan’s actions. She said the decision meant the subject “will continue to be delivered according to the whims of individual head teachers rather than the needs of young people”. But Nicky Morgan said that while she agreed that personal, social and health education (PHSE) was crucial, making it statutory “would do little to tackle the most pressing problems with the subject.
“As such, while we will continue to keep the status of PSHE in the curriculum under review, our immediate focus will be on improving the quality of PSHE teaching in our schools.”
We asked FS editor, Ian Howley, for his response. He said: “We now live in an era when the vast majority of young gay men will access the internet to find out about all things gay. It’s very possible that these gay teenage boys are accessing porn when curious about their sexuality.
“If the government doesn’t want to roll out mandatory sex education that will benefits the thousands of gay teenagers who are seeking this information on the internet then they should think twice about cutting the funding of charities that are providing this service. Porn is meant for adult entertainment, not education. We need to make sure those who seek out sex education, no matter what age, get the best and most appropriate information possible.
1. You expertly learn how to masturbate with headphones on and the volume loud enough to get you hot and bothered but low enough so your roommates don’t hear (Pro tip: they know anyway!).
2. You learn that there is no such thing as a black bottom and that all black guys have huge penises. All of them.
3. When people make an amateur video in public — on a plane, at the back of a bus, in a bathroom, in an elevator — somehow no one ever gets caught. How do they do it?
4. You learn how to hate yourself because you will never be as hung or sculpted as the dudes in gay porn. But you should love your body anyway, and search for porn with your own body type!
5. You can be turned on by sex stuff you didn’t even know was a thing. Watch enough of it on porn and it’ll be your newest fetish.
6. Cockyboys will teach you that you should never have sex without an excellent camera filter and a stunning view of Brooklyn.
7. Igor will teach you how to come seven times.
8. Gay porn will teach you that some guys come A LOT, and you never know where it’s going to end up, so just, like, keep your eyes closed lol.
9. If you’re not white you will learn that your ethnicity is a fetish! 10. The “straight” guys are always broke. They never show up just because they want to have sex with a guy. Nope, always broke with a GF at home.
11. That college campuses are overflowing with secret, bro-filled orgies you’re missing out on (which is kind of true).
12. That you will never want to miss your next Amazon Prime delivery again.
13. It’s possible to come without touching yourself, and the first time you see someone else do it you get determined to learn how.
14. Statistically, no penis is smaller than 8 inches.
15. All guys have orgasms, every single time. There’s no such thing as drinking too much and having too many lols and now you’ve got this hot guy in your bed and then oh god now you can’t come. Not a thing that happens to anyone, ever.
16. What’s the point of taking a long road trip without having a little back seat action…that you then film and put on Xtube!
17. Penises slide easily into anuses without any difficulty whatsoever.
18. Whatever you’re into, there is someone else on this earth who is into it, too. And that’s the beauty of porn.
There is little to no heat in my home (which hasn’t happened yet)
I need to share a bed with someone – for non-sexual purposes of course – andthen in such instances, I’m wearing only my boxers
I’m sleeping over a relative or friend’s house Note:Perhaps there is an etiquette issue here but my decision to sleep naked as a guest in the home of another person would often depend on who that person is – and how clean I think they keep their home!
If I’m traveling, I always sleep naked in the hotel/motel room where I’m staying.
No Pajamas/pyjamas!
(Nice to know fact: The word “pyjama” traces its etymological origin to the Persian word payjama, meaning ‘leg garment’.)
When I go to bed nude, I enjoy the feeling of my naked body against the softness of the sheets. I’ve always been of the mindset that a man was never meant to wear clothing in bed. Of course if he feels a chill he could loosely cover his body in a sheet and/or blanket. It’s simply what I do. In fall and winter I’m more comfortable being nude under the cool sheets with a blanket and comforter on top, while in the spring and summer months a simple sheet will sometimes do. The pores of the human skin were meant to breathe freely and without restriction – at least at some point of the day.
Yeah, this is me…
Fresh air to the bare skin is healthy, therapeutic, healing and relaxing!
If one is a nudist and/or naturist, sleeping naked should come natural. However, it is not for everyone. Like freeballing or “going commando" (meaning, not wearing underwear) , sleeping naked is a learned art, particularly if one has been used to wearing sleepwear most of his life.
I’ve always hated wearing pajamas (aka pj’s) to bed. Wearing those damn things simply made me feel uncomfortable lying in a bed under sheets or blankets or in a sleeping bag. I hate when the material folds or bunches up under my legs or would get wedged between my ass cheeks. Pajama tops often made me feel physically restricted. If I had to sleep wearing pajamas I would always wear just the bottom half, leaving the top off to sleep bare-chested. I recall someone many years ago telling me that my pajama discomfort might be due to the kind of clothing material rubbing against my skin. That’s a possibility but I doubt it. The only time I feel okay with having anything against my skin is when I’m cold – and then the material cannot be itchy or coarse otherwise I’m scratching myself all the time. I’ve owned a couple of pairs of silk-looking polyester pajamas in my teens but rarely wore them in bed. As a teen I often would take them off once I was in bed and slip them back on under the covers before getting up for the day since I didn’t want my mom, sister or younger brothers who might walk in my room finding out that I slept naked.
As an adult and whenever I’d come home on leave while in the Navy, I didn’t give a fuck if anyone found out how I slept. As far as I’m concerned, pajamas – or any sleepwear for that matter – are only good to wear to sit or walk around the house within the presence of parents, siblings, roommates and/or house guests who may be uncomfortable with nudity or who might have a problem with seeing nude people (like me, for example) walking around the home as though nudity was such a natural thing. Ha-ha-ha!
Today, I own a few pairs of plaid pattern sleepwear pajama bottoms but no matching top. The pajama bottoms – like my athletic sweat pants, are perfect for me as lazy/lying around comfort clothing but not for wearing in bed. I also own a plaid nightshirt which I rarely ever wear - but which is sexy as fuck to wear sometimes around the house in the winter.
My nightshirt & a pajama bottom I take a special thrill in wearing the nightshirt or in simply wearing a bath towel wrapped around my waist before or after a shower whenever a guest would make an unannounced visit after giving me only a few minutes to hour’s notice of their pending arrival. I’ve been known to often answer my door dressed in this manner to apartment maintenance staff who are notorious in arriving at a time other than that which I specified. I’ve also answered the door to postal and pizza delivery people in the same manner and most especially to those damn utility service people, who for some reason always give their "expected arrival”, of being “between this hour and that hour."
Anyway, whenever any of the aforementioned people enter my home, I "conveniently forget” that I should get properly dressed; after all it is my home they’re in and therefore my rules of what’s “proper and considerate” to guests apply. So long as they are not staying longer than thirty minutes - depending on what they have to do, I don’t feel any obligation to rush to put on a robe or get “properly” dressed. I’m sure my semi-nudity makes them feel uncomfortable but it also serves as a hinted motivator for them to take care of their business quickly and get the fuck out of my home. Forgive me, reader; I digress. I simply take the comfort and freedom of home nudity/semi-nudity and my sexual masculinity quite seriously and passionately. I’m also happy that I have never been one to accept the twisted social mindset of what some might consider “proper living ” by having to think or feel that I “must" wear clothing in my home or that I "should" wear sleepwear in my bed.
The Health Benefits of Sleeping Naked
Nudity and sleeping naked feels natural to me. It simply makes me feel more masculine and sexier! As noted earlier, the pores of my skin need to relax and breathe. That’s a healthy benefit to the body and there are many more. For example, according to medical research sleeping nude helps the body to cool down
When the body is cool it releases fat-burning hormones that rebuild skin cells, bone cells, and muscle cells as you sleep. Sleeping naked also eases tension, which means it helps one to relax. A relaxed person will usually or always have and enjoy a better period of sleep. Medical research has also shown that sleeping naked is good for people who suffer from insomnia. So reader if you’re clothed and you keep tossing and turning in bed, just get naked! After some hours of sleeping in the nude you should wake up fully refreshed, with a clear mind and feeling able to tackle almost any problem of the day. Give it a try!
Cleanliness of What You Sleep On
I’ve heard people say many disparaging things about sleeping in the nude. In discussions I have had with people on the subject some have express personal disgust while others felt perfectly fine with it. It often amazes me to know that there are people who have a problem with their roommate or house guest sleeping naked. I don’t see what the big deal is with it. Some people have told me that they have issues or concerns with the cleanliness of people who sleep naked; expressing concerns over soiled bedding, for example. I still don’t see how that should be any concern, particularly if you are not sharing the bed with a nude sleeper – let alone one who hasn’t bathed or showered that day or who simply has poor hygiene habits. Still, if you are a naked sleeper, here are a few recommended tips which will help keep your bedding clean:
1. Shower or bathe. Daily I realize that for various reasons some people do not – or they choose not - to shower or bathe daily. That’s their business. However, I recommend doing it whenever possible or at the very least, a few times a week. And taking a shower before going to bed – particularly if you’ve worked all day in an environment where your body perspired heavily and/or got dirty, will reduce soiling the sheets, pillow cases and other bedding. You may also want to consider taking a shower if you have oily skin. If you have you have eczema or dry flaky skin remember to apply moisturizer lotion after the shower. If you have trouble sleeping, whether nude or clothed, usually a warm shower will help.
Try it!
My routine is to shower every morning. I rarely need to shower again the same day or at night unless:
it’s been a very hot day
I simply feel like it
I’m about to have what I consider “fully nude” sex. Yes, you read that right. I insist on taking a warm, soapy shower before have fully nude sex with some person who is a casual sex hook-up or with whom I’m not in a committed relationship. SIDE NOTE:Fully nude sex used in this article, is simply when two people take off all their clothes and fuck. By using the term fully nude here, I simply want readers to get a better understanding of what I mean when I talk of having sex. People who have sex usually appreciate the fact that by removing all the clothing, sex becomes – and is – so much better between two (or more) people! I have ways of getting a casual sex partner to join me in the shower. This is very important to me for health and hygiene reasons and helps make the sex between me and that person much hotter since there are no concerns with having to deal with dirt and bad body odor. I do not want to have fully nude sex with any stranger whose hygiene habits are unknown to me. If that person refuses to shower - preferably with me, then any further sexual activity between us will stop. This is a personal non-negotiable standard.
2. Change or wash your bedding weekly. That would be sheets, pillow cases and anything which your nude body has come in full contact with. Always wash white or light-colored sheets in hot water. Wash colored sheets in warm or cold water but be sure to used non-chlorine or chlorine-free liquid or powdered bleach for colored clothing, like Purex 2 or Clorox 2.
3. Protect your bed covering. Do not lie down on or sleep nude (or clothed) on top of any comforter, bed spread or blankets. Also, do not masturbate or have sex with a partner on top of this type of bed covering. Save all sexual activity for the sheets and pillow cases which are much easier and less-costly to wash and dry.
4. Always (always!) change or wash the sheets and pillow cases after… … that casual hook-up (aka “sex guest”) has left your home. This isn’t necessary if you’re in a loving, loyal and committed relationship with someone but the tip given about weekly washing of the bedding still applies.
5. Always (always!) change or wash the sheets and pillow case after… house guests particularly couples - who used your spare bed, sofa/sleeper sofa, sleeping bag, the blow-up mattress or the floor upon which the bedding was used, have completed their visit and left your home.
Remember:
Not only do you not know what a house guest or couple did on that bedding (while everyone else was thought to be away or asleep) , you also might not necessarily know that particular house guest’s hygiene habits! It’s interesting how cleanliness of the bedding isn’t generally thought about by people whenever they go home with some person they just met and have casual sex.
I’m sure many of us have been in the beds of several men whose standards of cleanliness didn’t exactly meet or at the very least, exceed our own. We should be aware that in the act of wild sex our naked ass will likely rub all over the same sheets and pillow cases where possibly some other person had sex some days, if not mere hours or less before! (But try not to think about it, reader!) For obvious reasons related to sexual lusts and activity we choose to take those risks whenever we’re in the home of someone else and in their bed. With this in mind - and with my particularly sense of hygiene, I always (always!) make it a point to take a long, warm, soapy shower, thoroughly scrubbing my body from head to toe after sleeping with a stranger - regardless of gender - before I put on any clean clothing or getting in my bed.
The Courtesy and Etiquette of Sleeping Naked
Hopefully, if you prefer to sleep naked you live alone or if you have a roommate or housemates, you have your own room and/or sleep in your own bed – with the bonus of having mature-minded and understanding roommates or housemates. While it’s always good when you can sleep comfortably nude without having concerns about what your roommate or housemates might say (if they find out) , try to remember what I said earlier: some people have issues with another person’s preference to sleep nude. Those particular people simply aren’t kool with it. Strange or weird as it may seem there are indeed people who take issue with knowing that they have to share the same house, room or sleeping area with one, two or more people who sleep wearing nothing on their body under the covers or who sleep nude - sometimes their bodies uncovered by a sheet or blanket cover… even if that naked person has a room of his/her own or, in the case of being a roommate, the nude sleeper’s bed is many feet away from that of the non-nude sleeper! It makes me shake my head in wonder.
If you have your own room and pay rent or – if your own the house in which you rent out rooms, there isn’t much other housemates or renters can say about your particular sleeping habits. Still, if you have a concern or know that others in the house might feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same house, room or sleeping area as you, perhaps you might want to let everyone know – simply as a courtesy; never out of obligation – that should they ever walk near your bed or into your room - especially without knocking or warning, there is a high probability of them seeing half - if not all, of your naked ass lying peacefully asleep or perhaps awake in bed watching TV, using your computer to Facebook or whatever.
If someone asks why you are naked or why you prefer to sleep naked or even why you “feel the need” to be or sleep naked, you can simply let them know that it is strictly for your personal comfort and that you hope they won’t take issue with or be offended by it. (But so fuckin’ what if they are offended!)
Chances are, many of the fellas with whom you share a house, room or sleeping area won’t give a shit about you sleeping naked. However, it’s been my experience that sometimes there is always that one person, one who is sexually insecure or perhaps ultra-religious who has to be the fuckin’ exception! There is always at least that one person who will make his (or her) knowledge of your sleeping nude more of big deal than it is or ever has to be. That person will express some silly concern about your being nude in bed as being “too sexual provoking" (to whom they won’t say), “gay”, “nasty” “indecent” or even more absurd, “immoral” My advice for dealing with people like that is to never yield or succumb to that person’s bullshit. Certainly do not ever let him intimidate you into putting on your shorts or pajamas just to appeal to his peace of mind.
Fuck him!
Do not ever waste your time arguing with such a person about your sleeping comfort and habits. You do not need his permission nor that of anyone else to sleep in nude. You can remind that… asshole – and other dissenters of your personal comfort choices - of their option (if there be any) to leave the house, room or sleeping area and go sleep elsewhere. Better yet, the “offended” or the “feeling uncomfortable” person(s) can also move the fuck out of the house or room! You see, I’ve had a few personal experiences dealing with this sort of thing which is why I write so passionately about it. Fuck the dumb shit!
Sleep With Me!
I don’t know about you, but I think sleeping nude next to someone who is also nude is not only sexy but very sensual. To have your body - your skin, touch that of another warm person is simply – in a word – wonderful! Outside of coitus I find nothing better than to be able to hug or embrace from behind, the nude body of person lying next to me. My cock/dick will get hard – which happens to me with prolonged close contact with another person but that’s part of the fun! I’m sure this happens with other men too! To wake up and see peacefully sleeping, the nude body of someone with whom I’ve had great sex hours before – especially if I have deep affection or love for that person, makes me want to touch, embrace and make love to that person and his body once again. And again. What a way to start a morning!
Medical research has found that skin-to-skin contact releases the hormone oxytocin, a powerful hormone known to promote sexual arousal and feelings of bonding.
Whenever we hug or kiss a loved one, our oxytocin levels are increased. This hormone also helps reduces stress hormones, lowers the heart rate and raise overall sex drive.
"Raises the sex drive…" Fuck yeah! This explains why I so love CONSISTENTLY french-kissing my lovers when we’re fucking or when one or both of us is masturbating.
With close skin contact with someone, erotic sexual desire is induced thus promoting a nice flow of this very useful hormone. Self-confidence, mental and physical alertness is enhanced by sleeping naked alone, yes - but it is most especially felt and noticed after sleeping with someone else who is nude.
Advice for New Naked Sleepers
1. If you are new to sleeping naked, just relax and take it a step at a time. I suggest you try sleeping shirtless the first night. Most men already sleep this way so this point probably didn’t need to be mentioned.
2. The second night, I suggest leaving the pajamas in the drawer or closet and just try sleeping in your underwear (if you wear any) or a pair of boxers or loose-fitting shorts since they allow from ore air flow to your cock and balls and that entire area leading up to and in between your ass cheeks.
3. As each night passes, sleep with less clothing until you eventually take off your t-shirt, boxers or briefs and are completely nude when it’s time to go to bed. Men, your balls and that entire groin region including the space between your buttocks, needs to breathe!
If you are on the “monthly” I strongly advise against sleeping naked for obvious reasons. Sleep in panties or pajamas until the menstrual cycle is complete then you can get back to sleeping nude.
4. Do you wear socks to bed? Take them off! Feet and toes need to breathe too!
5. If the living situation isn’t favorable for you to sleep naked, then simply sleep in a pair of shorts or underwear (if wearing any) . Just make sure your draws are decent in appearance; that means they are not torn and/or covered in holes and there is no obvious sign of odor, urine, cum or shit stains.
6. Always keep a robe, a pair of shorts or full set of clothes nearby in case you have to leave the room to use the bathroom or leave the room/house in an emergency.
7. If you are camping out or at a friend’s house and are sleeping in a sleeping bag but want to sleep naked take off your pajamas or underwear while you are in the bag and keep them in the bag. Few people can tell that you are naked below your belly in a sleeping bag. In the morning, you can easily slip on the pajama bottom or underwear without attracting any attention. It’s what I used to do and it works!
8. Finally, if you don’t know your housemates or house guests well enough or you have trust issues with sleeping naked in your room when they are around, just lock your room door before going to bed. Leave a note on the door or tell the housemates/guests that if they want your attention, they should knock hard on the door or call you by cell phone.
In Conclusion…
Sleeping naked is nothing new in the world. For millions of years, people have been doing it! Like nudity, sleeping naked should not be a big deal and there’s nothing about nudity or sleeping nude that’s indecent, immoral or nasty.
Sleeping naked is not about sex – unless of course, you – and/or your roommate(s) want it to be… as in a mutual decision between the two (or three or more) of you to have a masturbation session (aka “circle jerk”). Speaking from personal experience, that’s not something that’s unlikely. Situations like that can - and do happen when men - regardless of sexual orientation, with like mind, decide they want to party nude, enjoy beer and hard alcohol and jerk off together to pornography. There’s nothing wrong with a good circle jerk party among friends. At least afterwards, everyone will rest or sleep quite comfortably! Man! It’s been years since I was last involved in a party like that! But that’s another blog article I’ve yet to write!
If you are already a man who sleeps naked then my brother, you are - and have been doing your mind and your body a huge favor!
You are also already aware of most of the things written in this article or perhaps you’ve learned something new today. If so, please repost or pass the information along to others! If you are not already sleeping naked, I’d like to suggest that you give it a try – at least a few times. Simply lay aside any inhibitions you have, take off your clothing, your underwear (if wearing any) and just climb into that nice soft bed, completely confident and… naked masculineperspectives-rfx.blogspot.gr/2014/02/sleeping-naked-pleasure-and-experience.html
You have been single for awhile and contemplating dating again? Then no matter your position, dominant, active, and passive or submissive, you should consider following a few codes of conduct for dating singles (especially if you have been off the market for sometime).
Code of Conduct No. 1: Update your Social Media
If you are between the ages 6-55, chances are you will have a social media page. My mother is 61 years, and I received a friend request from her just last February (which I of course did not accept). Heck, my cat, Toby, has his own Facebook page! It’s just something that has become the norm; and if you don’t have a social media page…which planet do you live on?
Here are some social media do’s:
Update your status regularly (but don’t overdo it). Be sure to mention anything interesting about your life that is recent so your friends know you are alive, and that your possible crush (who will cyber stalk you at some point) knows that you are busy and have things going on.
Make sure your profile picture is no older than 6 months, or the very least, a year. Remember the dating world is a market and social media is your avenue to self-advertise. Taking selfies may seem “clichéd” but if you are having a good hair day, take one. Just left the barber and feel like a million bucks? Take one. Took a morning shave and feel good about yourself…better snap that moment.
If you go out with friends and took a group photo, make sure you are front and centre and on point! It would be a shame to instagram a photo where everyone over shadows you (or your head is just a little circle to the back of the photo). If you are an outgoing person, this is very important; as it subtly sends a message to your future partner that this is who you are and this is the lifestyle that you wish to maintain.
Here are some social media don’ts:
Update your status every 5 minutes of the day. Example: “1:30pm *******writes: I am eating lunch. Yay! 1:32pm*******writes: I am at the mall. I am going to The GAP first. 1:42pm *******writes: I am going to take a dump in the mall bathroom. Gross?” Seriously, no one cares. Keep the excess to yourself.
When taking selfies, get the hell out the bathroom. Seriously people, stop taking bathroom selfies and posting them on Facebook!
Stop abusing hash tags. Stop! Don’t tag every word that you type. It’s unnecessary and may potentially make your future partner think you are a little crazy…or retarded.
When in a group photo, male or female, turning your ass to the camera is just pathetic. Even more so, duck faces and squinting your eyes. It’s not sexy, it’s not cute and it’s so 2007. Don’t….just don’t.
If you are at that stage where it’s been awhile (so you are ready to date) but you are not 100% over your ex, unfriend him. Don’t cyber stalk your ex. Tag them to your pictures, or join every group they join on Facebook. That’s not going to end well for your psychological wellbeing or be fair to anyone you might be dating. Get over it!
Do not under any circumstances date anyone who does not have a legit social media page. This is 2014. Anyone who approaches you online and has a Grinder account, or an Adam for Adam or Craigslist or Badoo, but no Facebook, Whatsapp or Instagram with legit pictures, friends or history on their page…run. Don’t question it; don’t think about it, just run.
Code of Conduct No. 2: Keep it healthy, Keep it Fit
If you intend to start dating again, starting a regular exercise regime or fitness programme will do wonders. You will be amazed by how much positivity an afternoon run will make you feel. However, exercising is not so much about looking like a hot summer lifeguard, but more about starting a healthy habit to increase stamina and vitality; physically and mentally.
Here are some Fitness do’s:
Enrol into a gym. But don’t just sign up then leave and go eat a cheeseburger, put on your gym clothes and go do a spin class, or lift some weights. The gym is a great way to meet new people (including guys) and add motivation to your workout.
Consider eating a bit healthier. No one likes a slob (gay or straight), whether it’s an apple a day or a salad a day, the closer you look like death (or walking diabetes) the more important it is for you to consider making a few changes to your diet.
If gyms are not your thing, try some home fitness videos (Insanity, PX90, etc.). They are all over the internet these days and very easy to ascertain at your local video store.
Here are some Fitness don’ts:
Don’t go to the gym and try to show off, make and ass of yourself and then hurt yourself. Even men can get it wrong, too. If there is a machine that you are sceptical about using, ask the instructor on duty for help. That way, in the future, if you see someone you like and they look like they don’t know what they are doing, you can always bait them into a small conversation by helping them using their machine.
Dieting sucks, we all know! But if you want to eat a couple slices of Pizza for dinner on a Friday night and have a beer, go ahead. Especially if you are constantly thinking about it, or your friends are over and they are having it. Otherwise, when no one is looking, you are just going to pig out and probably end up binging on a whole pie.
Code of Conduct No. 3: Know your Status!
The moment you decide you are going to date you should get tested. It doesn’t matter if you are looking for something short term, long term or just a one night f**k, KNOW YOUR STATUS!
Here is some knowing your Status do’s:
Visit a reputable clinic or trust worthy centre. After your test is done, ALWAYS ask for your receipt. It is usually a small sheet of paper that is stamped and states your results, with the date and the name of the Organization, nurse or doctor who conducted the test.
If you are currently dating (just a handful of guys) and you see something appear on any part of your body that doesn’t look right- a spot, a rash, a marshan, a speed bump or pot hole- get it checked out immediately. Just stop whatever you’re doing and go!
If you are dating a bunch of guys at a time, be sure to use a condom everytime you are getting laid. Not just with one and not the other, EVERYTIME.
Here are some Knowing your Status don’ts:
Once you are at the STD clinic, don’t spaz out. People tend to get awkward at the STD clinic, especially if they see someone there that they know. Keep calm; what are they going to do, gossip that they saw you at the STD clinic? People would ask them what they were doing there. And don’t even consider conversation with them if the first thing that comes out there mouth is “what are you here for?” That’s just insane…
At the clinic, they may give you some pamphlets to read (I know they always give me), just don’t. Reading pamphlets makes everybody feel like they are a doctor, and because you read it all in a 5 page brochure, you feel like you now have a medical degree and you start diagnosing yourself before your results are even done processing. Relax! You could just have razor bumps from that rusty old razor you had put down in your clothes drawer since 2010 but never used because your ex liked it bushy.
If you know your status, and you are made aware you have something contagious, don’t be a prick and pass it on to your future dates. Give full disclosure and take the proper precautionary steps to make sure you maintain good health and not pass it on to others.
Code of Conduct No. 4: Go Shopping
Shopping is a bit of a mixed feeling subject, especially for men (gay or straight). Nonetheless, shopping is a dating essential and why it is Code of Conduct number 4. Buying that right pair of jeans that shows off your bow legs or makes your butt look cute may very well be the deciding factor that lands you your next date.
Here are some shopping do’s:
Always go shopping with an objective shopping partner-that means NOT your mom, your gay friend or your brother. There are a few exceptions, but your best and most ideal shopping partner would be your best friend of the opposite sex. He or She can objectively tell you what looks flattering on you, especially if they are heterosexual.
Buy clothing that is appropriate to the types of date you want to go on. I.e., if you want to go on a date with a guy that takes you out to KFC, then buy cut out jeans and bleached T’s. If you want a guy who takes you out to somewhere classy, buy a trendy sports jacket. Some people may object to this but I tell you, whenever I feel like crap, I go and I buy myself a new designer tie, and voila! I feel like a successful business man. My future is suddenly bright again, and I can take on the world!
Buy some new underwear. Sexy underwear. Even if it is just for you to see, when you see yourself in the mirror and how hot you look in those new Andrew Christian trunks your confidence will start to show when you walk on the street. Trust me, I buy new shoes, and even when my clothes is old and raggedy as f**k, people are still complimenting me on how awesome I look and I feel larger than life! Plus, you may never know when you might be on a night out that will manifest into that one night you end up potentially getting laid and you have on your old Hanes with the bleach spot on the front from last year.
Here are some shopping don’ts:
Do not buy things you KNOW you will not need. Like a Tuxedo…or a scuba suit.
Bring cash, and stick to your budget. Hide your credit card while shopping; no one wants to be with someone with bad credit ratings, debts and a foreclosure on their home.
Do not buy clothes that are not your size. Even by skinny jeans standards, ants should be able to crawl through your trousers without suffocating to death.
Code of Conduct No. 5: Mind your Manners
A lot of people wonder everyday how it is that they are so good looking, but when they go out to the movies or to a nice restaurant with their friends, they see some really ugly people (by society standards) with really hot looking guys or girls on their arms. No matter how beautiful you may look or how many magazines your super model face has been on, if you are a bitch and probably rude to most people around you, then no one is going to want to be with you. Bone you maybe, and keep you for booty calls (if you are lucky) but you will probably never have a solid relationship.
Here are some Manners do’s:
Always say please when you are asking for something.
Learn when to say no and do so politely. If a guy offers you a smoke, a drink, a ride home or even sex on the first date and you don’t feel like you are up to it, politely decline and give a very brief explanation to close that particular discussion.
Say thank you whenever your date does something for you; no matter how big or small the gesture. Be sure to be specific about what you are thanking the person for and express your gratitude for it. E.g. “Thank you for dinner. I am usually the one cooking and I honestly don’t like to; so it means a great deal to me.”
If you know you are not the best looking person in the world (and yes, big guys I am talking to you, too) it is important that you are nice to people around you, dress real nice (or develop a sense of style when no one is looking), and be a real gentleman.
Here are some Manners don’ts:
Don’t say please more than once in a sentence. Doing so makes you look stupid, uneducated or fake. Mostly, men will just sum it up to being needy and that can be unattractive to someone who doesn’t yet know you enough that you are dating.
When you have declined to an offer presented to you and giving an explanation, whether it is a lie or not, keep it brief. There is no need for a full 2 page forensics report. It’s not a crime scene, it’s an opportunity to bail, not get one of your kidneys stolen or leave with your dignity intact–and by dignity I mean not get butt-raped.
Do not overuse “Thank you”. If will lose its authenticity, its value and its meaning. For instance, if you go out on a picnic and the guy shears your brunch, unfolds you a napkin and pours you a glass of wine, do not tell him thank you each time he does something. Wait until he is done with everything, and then thank him for the occasion.
Code of Conduct No. 6: Learn to take a Compliment
Nothing is worse than a guy who doesn’t know how to take a compliment. Compliments are random acts of kindness that sends out positive wavelengths into the universe and if done properly, can really improve or set a good mood for someone’s whole day. Besides, compliments are a real good way to measure your date “readiness” and knowing how to respond to each one appropriately can determine if you get hit on, asked out on a date or if it is the last compliment you will ever receive from that person(s).
Here are some compliment do’s:
Learn how to thank persons for a compliment without coming off as self-centered or arrogant. You don’t want to sound like that person who is sad all the time and seem insecure about a person complimenting them but at the same time, try to be somewhere in-between (like that shy person who is being told they are invited to the party in-between).
When someone cat-calls you in public, you know you are ready for dating (especially if that person is of the opposite sex). Some people may take cat-calling as an insult but that’s just some Sunday school bible girl bull. Cat calling is the greatest compliment a random unknown person can give you. Replying with a subtle gesture of thanks, a smile, a wink, a hair flip (if you have hair to flip) a wave or even just humbly saying thank you will make you instantly 100% more attractive than you were when that person first saw you and could possibly land you a date.
Be sincere about giving compliments. Everyone likes them (even when they don’t act like they do) so mastering the art of complimenting someone can take you places—more than just some random guy’s bedroom to get laid.
Here are some compliments don’ts:
Do not give back handed compliments. They are universally unacceptable and even people with low IQ’s know when a back handed compliment is been given. Example, “Nice top. You pull off vertical strips very well for a big person” …just don’t.
When giving compliments, don’t exaggerate. People know when you are being insincere, especially if the tone of your voice goes up multiple octaves.
Don’t give a compliment just to return the favour (if you really don’t mean it). E.g. “Oh wow, I love your shoes!” “Awwwhhhhh, thanks. Yours too!” You see those shoes stripping on the sides and the front begging for bread. Don’t say things you don’t mean.
Code of Conduct No. 7: Grooming
If you don’t have a grooming regime that you use to maintain the appearance of your body, now would be the time to start doing so. Without spending USD$2,000 these are little ways that will keep you looking and smelling your best and more importantly, prevent infections and other illnesses.
Here are some Grooming do’s:
Always wear a deodorant that compliments your body odour (especially at the gym).
Shower daily.
Floss regularly and brush your teeth twice per day.
Real men don’t have claws. Cut them!
Maintain your wax/shave/plucking regime if you have one and if you don’t, and you are dating and expecting to get laid; this applies to those especially who enjoy receiving oral sex, be sure to at least maintain the bikini area, the balls, butt crack and undercarriage (if you know that under there is as thick and the Amazon).
Here are some grooming don’ts:
Don’t brush your teeth before knowingly giving oral sex. Rinse your mouth with an alkaline mouth wash or hydrogen peroxide and you will be fine. Open cuts and sores in the mouth are a huge don’t if you suspect you may end up having sex at the end of a date.
Don’t leave your house without combing, brushing or fixing your hair. You never know when your future mate may just walk right by you on the street and having a trash hair-day might just be that one factor that disrupts the cosmic pull of attraction.
If you know you have a patchy beard and growing it doesn’t flatter you then just don’t.
If you don’t like hairy guys, don’t date them. Simple. Don’t date someone then tell them “Ummm, I won’t have sex with you unless you wax your chest.” That’s just wrong.
Code of Conduct No. 8: Respecting his home
If someone shows you the courtesy of inviting you to their home, be a good guest and respect the rules of their home.
Here are some respecting his home do’s:
Listen to his house rules and adhere to them (if he has any). Let him tell you whether to take off your shoes or not, where to sit down and if it’s okay for you to help yourself in his kitchen.
If you are going to use his bathroom to drop a brick, make sure you open a window (because chances are he isn’t going to have air freshener), and don’t forget to flush.
If you are going to spring a leak, be sure to flip the toilet seat up and aim into the bowl, not the rim or the floor. If you know you might be a sprinkler, please be neat and take a seat.
Throwing a party is one of the best ways to make a come-back into the dating world. If you are (feeling like Gatsby) contemplating hosting a party as a means of gaining one person’s attention or as a means of meeting singles, expect some form of casualty.
Here are some respecting his home don’ts:
Don’t go snooping through his medicine cabinet, sock drawer, phone or diary while he has his back turned or after you’ve both had sex and he goes to take a shower. And if you do, don’t get caught. No one likes a snooper and it sets a bad precedence to start any form of relationship on. It’s also the quickest way to be disinvited, distrusted and marked persona non grata.
Don’t eat or drink anything without his permission. In fact, a good host will offer you something to consume (other than his dick) and only then you have the right to take advantage and ask for whatever tickles your fancy. If he doesn’t offer, it may be a representation of how will be for future days to come and is that someone you really want to be with?
Don’t invite guys to your home you might not want knowing your address if the relationship doesn’t work out.
Don’t host parties at your home if you know you can’t handle people clogging your toilet, having sex on your bed, or throwing up in your living room.
If a guy invites you to his home, don’t overstay your welcome (sleep over for one night and end up staying the whole weekend). You know you have gone too far, if people at work start noticing you are coming in 2 days in a row wearing the same shit with the coffee stain from Tuesday afternoon’s break-room accident.
Do not steal anything, remove anything and not put it back where you found it, or snatch his underwear so you can sniff it at nights when you are home alone…don’t.
Code of Conduct No. 9: Dressing for dates
Getting ready for a hot date is stressful for everybody. Even heterosexual men…unless they don’t respect the girl then they probably won’t care. However, if it’s someone they’re really into, the feeling is always the same: Dread. You sometimes feel like you have nothing to wear, or you probably gained a few pounds and that jeans you love or that one top you like won’t fit.
Here are some Dressing do’s:
Remember to keep the use of perfumes, colognes and body sprays at a minimal. You are not trying to become a walking air freshener. Plus, you don’t know what allergies the other person might have. A subtle deodorant or shower gel will do just fine.
Wear something that is modest, but shows off the best parts of you. E.g. If you know you have a clean squared chest, wear a deep v-neck, or if you have long slender legs, wear a tailored pants.
If your date tells you to wear something comfortable, wear something comfortable. Don’t pull out those jeans you know are so tight you can barely lift your legs in.
Always wear shoes on a first date. Unless you intend to go to the beach, wearing flip-flops, crocks or sandals on a date is simply unacceptable.
Wear your favourite underwear underneath your get-up and expect the unexpected. Unless you are avoiding having sex with this guy then go ahead—don’t shave your crotch and wear briefs with holes in it! Best way to insure you keep your pants on and go home with your virtue untouched.
Here are some dressing don’ts:
Do not put on all the jewelry in your trinket chest. A simple watch, one pair of ear rings, or a single bracelet, cuff, or chain will suffice.
Don’t paste on the make-up. If make-up is your thing, there is no need to stack it on; just enough to compliment you. Not re-invent you.
Avoid graphic T’s that support a particular brand, sports team, country, musical band etc. You don’t know what likes or dislikes a person may have and I have known of dates that went bad because one person showed up wearing a football jersey that rivals the team the other person supports. Whoever said gay men don’t take their sports seriously, seriously needs to go jump off the Brooklyn bridge.
Code of Conduct No. 10: After you land the first date
After all the flirting and the mind games and the guy finally asks you out, many of us becoming flustered, and panic. What to do next? Who to call? Should I tell anyone? What now? Do I call him? Does he call me? How often to I text him before the date? Do I text him after the date? *panic panic panic*
Here is some landing the first date do’s:
Remember your table manners. If you are not up-to-date on your social graces and he takes you out for fine dinging, don’t be intimidated. Just keep calm, relax and mirror his actions.
If you don’t know anything on the menu, ask him to order for you and surprise you.
If you have particular allergies or dietary specifics (vegetarian, etc.) be sure to disclose before he starts ordering for you.
In conversation, declare if you have children, if you’re married, if you have any STDs, if you are unemployed, have a criminal record or have been in trouble with the law (speeding tickets excluded).
Always walk with your “get vex” money and never leave the house on a date without it. I.e., the money you use to pay your meal and find your ass home if he steps out of line and you or both of you gets upset.
Whoever invites the other out is the one who should pay the bill. When the bill comes, of course you are going to have your money ready to go dutch. But someone who is worthy of a second date will pounce on that bill like a fat kid on chocolate cake…hopefully without eating it.
If you are a dominant or active player in the game, you have a responsibility to insure that person’s safety home. Not doing so is uncaring and sloppy-even if you don’t intend to go on a second date with the person. Putting them on a cab, walking them to the closest transport centre or to their car is the least you can do.
If you are curious about his penis size and want to know whether he is a shower or a grower, don’t be afraid to feel him out if he kisses you. Even then, you can never be sure.
Here is some landing the first date don’ts:
Do not leave your drink unattended. Always try to finish it before leaving to do anything. If you do, do not drink it. Just politely ask for another one.
Don’t talk about your ex, how great your last vacation was, how many other persons you are currently dating (unless you are screwing them, then you should feel out how your date feels about polygamy in dating and break it to them with caution)
Don’t be a conversation hog. Speak, allow your date to speak, listen, answer then ask follow-up questions.
Do not tweet, text, BBM or use your phone is any sort of way during a date. The moment you find yourself using phone while talking or to break some awkward silence, is the moment you know your date is not going to work. You might as well ask the valet for your car keys and go home.
Don’t sleep with him on the first date…unless you really want to.
Do not use restaurant coupons on a first date. That’s just tacky. If you have unused membership points, they are having a 2 for one special or you received a gift card to the restaurant that covers dinner for 2, its different and definitely socially acceptable.
If the guy who invites you out on a date doesn’t call or text you the same night of the date, don’t sweat it. His battery probably died (you know how smart phones are these days) or he crashed once he got home. If he doesn’t call or text you the following day, he is probably scared, just relax and keep calm. If 2 days pass, he is probably not interested and any more days than that…just think of him as dead. That’s it! He is most likely dead in some ditch somewhere. Whatever you do, unless he told you to or you are the one who extended the invitation: do not contact him! Going into the whole psychology of it could take forever. Just don’t call him, that’s all you need to know.
Long before there was an internet, there were magazines. With the invention of photography came the invention of pornography. These vintage photos serve to underline the point that once your nakedness enters a viral medium, there is no retrieving it. Ever.
A Thousand Words
Yeah, yeah, you know the cliche, the picture that is worth a thousand words. Perhaps nowhere is this more evident than viral photos of men who are standing there naked in some unlikely situation. These photos beg the question, “What the hell?” What the hell is going on? What the hell happened? What the hell were they thinking? What the hell will they think years later when the moment is still making the viral rounds? There’s got to be a story here. (And something tells me there is probably booze involved in the majority of these. Wild guess.)
Camera in the Mirror
I always find these fascinating. Presumably, these shots begin life intended for private usage, something to entertain your boyfriend, something to impress that hot stranger you’ve met online, something just between friends.That guy online forwards your picture to a friend to show him the hot dude he’s been chatting with. Before you know it, your photo has gone viral.
Alcohol-Induced Exposure
It is no secret that alcohol has a way of loosening a man’s inhibitions and loosening his zipper, as well as loosening his judgment. But just as an elevated blood alcohol level does not absolve you of responsibility for what you may do behind the wheel, neither does it absolve you of what you do before the camera.
Before and After
Not sure of the back story on these, but I’m seeing more and more of them. They always strike me as mug shots. Anyway, they’re out there now and there’s no turning back.
Public Scenes
These guys did not specifically pose for the photographer, but by appearing nude at a public event, they left themselves wide open (literally) to anyone who happened to have a camera. And at public events there are always cameras.
Tattoos
If you’ve got distinctive tattoos, then you’ve got proof-positive ID embedded into every naked photo you allow to be taken.
Note-Worthy
[Aside from the usual category descriptions, some photos just beg to have a bit more said about them.]
Vintage photos like this regularly crop up, military-style groups of naked men in some sort of exam setting. What was the point of taking these? A troop photo is one thing, but naked? None of the men seem especially titillated at what is going on, indeed it looks very formal, so this isn’t one of those macho “Let’s all get naked and take a picture” moments.
Miscellaneous Viral Exposure
The broadest category here. Any casual naked photo, maybe seemingly innocent at the time, that could come back to haunt the subject when they least expect.
