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Pain from anal sex, and how to prevent it

Serious injuries from anal sex are relatively rare; however, if you have internal pain or see blood, you need to see your health care provider. Here are some of the potential complications of anal sex:

The blood you mentioned could have been from a hemorrhoid, which is a swollen vein in the anal area. Hemorrhoids can be fragile and prone to bleeding, although they don’t usually cause the kind of pain you’ve described. You can frequently feel a hemorrhoid as a swollen, tender lump in the anal area. You’ll often notice blood from a bleeding hemorrhoid on toilet paper after a bowel movement, or on the stool itself.



Pain and bleeding can also occur when there’s a small tear in the lining of the anus called an anal fissure. Even small fissures can be pretty painful because they often cause spasms of the opening of the anus. They heal slowly because they’re irritated repeatedly during bowel movements. With anal fissures, you may also see blood on toilet paper or on the stool itself.

A rare, but serious, complication after anal sex is a hole (perforation) in the colon. This dangerous problem requires hospitalization, surgery to repair the hole, and antibiotics to prevent infection. A colonic perforation will usually cause fever and severe pain and pressure in the abdomen. This condition requires immediate medical attention, either through your health care provider or your local hospital emergency department.

If your health care provider isn’t sure what’s causing your pain, you may need to undergo a procedure to look inside your rectum. A small scope called an “anoscope” can allow your provider to check if there’s a fissure. To go deeper, a scope called a “sigmoidoscope” may be used.

If you have either a hemorrhoid or fissure, you’ll probably receive similar recommendations. Treatment for both conditions is sometimes called “WASH.” The letters stand for:

• Warm water: Sitz baths involve sitting in a warm pan of water to soak the painful anal area.
• Analgesic agents: Various creams and ointments can temporarily numb the anal area to provide relief. Do not use these for more than a few days in a row, however. Your health care provider can tell you exactly how long it is safe to continue using these treatments.
• Stool softeners: Taking over-the-counter medications to help keep your stool soft until the hemorrhoid or fissure heals. This can help avoid re-injuring and further irritating the anus while having a bowel movement.
• High-fiber diets: A high-fiber diet will keep your stools soft and easy to pass.

Following these recommendations can help the hemorrhoid or fissure heal within a few days.

Very rarely, a hemorrhoid or fissure will become infected, will develop a clot within, or will not heal promptly. If this occurs, your health care provider may recommend that you undergo a surgical procedure or use a newly researched medication to help heal the fissure.

Hold off on more anal sex until your current discomfort and bleeding are completely gone. When you resume anal sex, here are some recommendations to help prevent anal fissures in the future:

• Talk with your partner about the need for the inserter to go very slowly and gently, and the absolute requirement that your word is law: if you say stop, s/he stops.
• Use lots of water- or silicone-based lube.
• If fingers are going to be inserted in your anus, fingernails need to be well trimmed, smooth, and clean.
• Some people like to start with a clipped nail finger in the anus, moved very slowly inside. When there’s pain, stop and wait a moment and breathe. This will allow the internal anal sphincter to relax. Once the discomfort stops, continue. If a finger is comfortable, you can proceed with other sex toys or a penis.
• If you use a dildo, make sure it’s soft and flexible, not stiff. This will help protect you against colonic perforation.
• If you’re still having pain with anal penetration, you may want to see your health care provider about using rectal dilators. These are a set of instruments that get progressively larger. You begin by inserting the smallest-diameter dilator in your anus. When this is completely comfortable, you can move on to the next size, and on through the largest size. Your provider can also help you plan a safe and reasonable schedule of progressing through the different sizes.
• Consider receiving anal sex face down; this can decrease anal pressure.

goaskalice.columbia.edu/pain-anal-sex-and-how-prevent-it

Water in anus during anal sex

An enema flushes water into and then out of the anus to initiate a bowel movement or clean out any traces of feces and bacteria from the anal cavity.

For some, the enema is pleasurable and erotic, but others find it uncomfortable. In fact, performing enemas too often may cause adverse health consequences.

While water-based enemas can have a helpful role in certain situations, enemas can also disrupt the rectum, bowels, gastrointestinal tract, and frequency of bowel movements. Over time, using enemas too frequently can cause your colon to work improperly as well as increase the risk of injury to your anus and rectum. Frequent enema use could also cause you to become reliant on an enema to pass stool. Should you be irregular or uncomfortable, it could be beneficial to hold off on this act, and figure out other types of sexual pleasure that you and your partner enjoy. In the meantime, here are a few tips for your aqueous anal play:

• Temperature: water should be wrist-temperature, or lukewarm. Hot water can cause pain, and cold water can cause cramps.
• Water: while you can use tap water, filtered water is less likely to contain chlorine and other chemicals that may cause irritation.
• Lubrication: super slick is better when it comes to anal sex! The use of water-based lube may not last long, so stick with a silicon-based lube. Lubricants can be used on the water bottle, anus, fingers, penis, or any other penetrating object. Given that water is a big part of this act, you may want to keep lube handy for frequent reapplication as well.
• Communication: speaking with your partner before, during and after this act can make the process more comfortable, build trust, and help each of you relax.
• Frequency: how often you and your partner engage in this behavior will play a role in the potential concerns. Occasional use of water in the anus during sex will be less likely to cause problems.

goaskalice.columbia.edu/water-anus-during-anal-sex

The Cardiovascular System

Why Should I Know This?

As with many areas of the body, it is good to know about the cardiovascular system because of the important contribution it plays in bodily function.

When engaged in kink activities, having even a rough understanding of where the arteries and veins of the body are can make a tremendous difference in the comfort and well being of the bottom. If you are playing with knives or any kind of blood play, this information becomes increasingly important or even if you are simply doing some bondage, this information can reduce the chance of constricted blood flow that can lead to numbness or unwanted discomfort.

What is the Cardiovascular System?

The cardiovascular system is made up of your heart, blood and blood vessels. This system uses your blood to deliver oxygen and nutrients to every area of your body as well as pick up waste products for disposal (Discovery Communications Inc, 2000).

Your blood pumps through two different channels: arteries or veins. Arteries are broad-walled tubes that are covered by yellow elastic fibers. The elastic fibers are filled with muscles that absorb the pressure waves from your heartbeat and slows your blood flow down; this pressure is commonly known as your pulse. Veins, in contrast, have thin and slack walls since your blood has already lost the pressure from your heartbeat and carries your deoxygenated blood back to your heart (HowToMedia, 1999).

Your Heart

While we have many sentimental ideas about our hearts and we know that they are vital to our survival, when you get right down to it the heart is an elaborate and complex pump (Bianco, 1998).
In the average lifetime, a heart beats over two and a half billion times and experiences no rest breaks (The Franklin Institute, 1996). The sound of your heartbeat is caused by the acceleration and deceleration of your blood as it moves through the various sections of this crucial organ (Bianco, 1998).

The heart is comprised of three layers: endocardium, myocardium, and pericardium. The endocardium is the inside lining of the heart while the myocardium is the middle layer. The pericardium is a fluid filled sac that surrounds the exterior (Bianco, 1998). Once inside the heart, this organ has four open spaces, or cavities, that your blood moves through; two of the cavities are atria while the other two are ventricles. The atria are the cavities that comprise the top curved portion of the heart and the ventricles form the bottom portion (The Franklin Institute, 1996).

Each cavity has a type of one-way valve which connects to the next section that keeps your blood from flowing backwards through your heart. When the cavity or chamber contracts, this valve exit opens and allows blood to move into the next heart cavity, closing the valve with the end of the muscle contraction so that the blood does not move back (Bianco, 1998).

Your heart pumps due to a specialized group of cells that are able to produce electrical activity independently. The heart has a natural pacemaker called the sinoatrial node which is located in the right atrium. This node conducts electrical impulses to the rest of the heart through unique fibers. The cells divide charged particles and then spontaneously release some charged particles into selected cells. This action occurs multiple times per second to cause an electrical impulse to spread over the heart and force it to contract to produce a normal heart beat of 72 beats a minute (Bianco, 1998).



www.keepingitkinky.net/physio/cardio1.php

Best way for a bottom to prep for a deep fisting session?

Few days before, take Metamucil each day to get fiber into you, clear out colon and generally open up the colon; matter passing through will be big and soft, very healthy and good prep for play time.



Day of play, eat early and lightly, avoid tough to digest items. Soups and fruit juices are good. A good few hours before play, shower douche. Don’t leave this too late or your butt will be irritated and not responsive to playing. Take a short nap, so the body relaxes.  Just before play, take a quick clean up and then drink water, so you won’t be light headed. Get in the sling, take a hit of poppers (a light hit) and relax, leaving the rest to a good top.

Skip eating the day of deep play. It will be easier to take a lot of manarm deep up your ass. Your body only has butt so much capacity. Keep as much space for fist and manarm as you can. Do sip lots of electrolyte sport drinks + water so you do not dehydrate or bonk. A real fisting player adjusts his diet days ahead of time depending on his personal digestion dynamics.

Precleaning helps a lot too, including the metamucil rawrecruit suggested. 3 or 4 days before play take 5 doses of metamucil in one day. Eat some prunes or drink prune juice at the end of the day or take a good dose of your fave laxative. Drink lots of liquid.   Include a 2 qt enema each day or a deep hose session.

Gentle thorough deep enemas or multiple sessions “riding the hose” the day of a fisting session can deep clean the entire colon.  The day of play start deep cleaning early and have patience necessary to take the multiple high enemas and the corresponding purging/draining and REST cycles necessary to clean the colon to a pristine state.  An hour or two before play do a deep test probe with a well lubed hole and lubed long, slender dildo. A 18 or 20" double ender works well.  Work it all the way in and start gently pistoning. If you are not clean enough for play, this will help get you there.  Follow with more water until clean.

There are no QUICK clean outs for clean fisting or a deep colon probing. That is why real manhole ass play’s intense pleasure is not enjoyed as often as lesser pleasure quickie sex.  Fisters routinely do this successfully because they know this is an essential step to achieving the blissful erotic super nirvana mega pleasures fisting can deliver repeatedly and for prolonged periods.

redhankyhandball.socialparody.com/pg/forum/topic/4471427/best-way-for-a-bottom-to-prep-for-a-deep-fisting-session

Sildenafil, Tadalafil and Vardenafil

I took Viagra and had a 2 day jack fest (I’m 32). My cock and balls swelled and got huge, then a couple days later went back to normal (I’m pretty well hung, honest 8" when back to normal). Was it the Viagra or did I over do it? I shot a load about 11 times over those days, thick strings to start then thinner clearer spunk at the end of the session. I figure I’d ask a pro! What do you think?
Let me explain how Sildenafil, Tadalafil and Vardenafil work and you’ll see that what you said you experienced cannot be caused by any of these medications.

Sildenafil, Tadalafil and Vardenafil are phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors (PDE5-i). To understand how they work, we must first understand how an erection happens.

Erection is a complex phenomenon involving psychological, neurological and vascular integrity and interactions.

1. The erection process begins in the brain first and foremost. This process is triggered by mental imagery or by physical stimulation (visual, auditory or tactile perceptions, including sensual caresses aimed squarely at the penis itself). If the perception of the stimulation is favourable, the brain sends an appropriate response to the brainstem. The psychological step is basically an on/off switch. 90 % of the erectile dysfunction problems happen at this step and PDE5-i won’t work here. Most men taking PDE5-i want to have an erection, however, so their mental switch is usually on…
2. The neurological response then begins : from this step on, the erection becomes a series of reflex actions evolving in an explosive fashion up to the visually impressive finale. The nerves, amongst other things, stimulate certain cells in the vasculature of the penis, triggering in turn the vascular step. (Still no PDE5-i here.)
3. The cells stimulated by the aforementioned nerves release nitric oxide (NO) in the vasculature of the corpus cavernosum.
4. NO activates the enzyme guanylate cyclase which results in increased levels of cyclic guanosine monophosphate (cGMP).
5. This leads to smooth muscle relaxation in blood vessels supplying the corpus cavernosum
6. Consequently, there is an increased blood flow to the penis while blood flow out of the penis stays the same (it may decrease).
7. At this point, since there is thus more blood going in the penis than blood going out, the dramatic effect called an erection happens !

As you can see, erection is a series of positive reactions to a stimulation from the moment the neurological system is triggered. Contrary to the psychological phase where there is a choice (yes/no), the rest of the erectile sequence is a straightforward yes, a domino effect. So as long as there is a minimal favourable psychological response, neurological stimulation continues and, consequently, liberation of NO by the perivascular cells in the corpus cavernous.
Ok, now… Having an erection is fine and all, but how does one loses his erection ? All good things has an end !

1. You remember that the increased blood flow to the penis happens because of the smooth muscle relaxation in blood vessels supplying the corpus cavernosum.
2. You might also remember that this relaxation happens as a response to the increased levels of cyclic guanosine monophosphate (cGMP).
3. From the moment cGMP is released, an enzyme kicks in to degrade (destroy) this cGMP : this enzyme is the Phosphodiesterase-5 (PDE5). A-Ha : there we are !
4. For as long as there is arousal, cGMP is released more quickly than PDE5 can deactivate it, leading to a sustained erection.
5. But when the arousal ceases, PDE5 eventually succeeds in deactivating all the cGMP.
6. When this happens, the relaxation of the smooth muscles in blood vessels supplying the corpus cavernosum ceases and the outflow is again greater than the inflow : this is detumescence (loss of erection).

So we finally found the spot where the phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors (PDE5-i) has an effect ! Quite logically indeed, phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors (PDE5-i) inhibit the degradation of cGMP by phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5). Since there is less PDE5 to do the job, there is more cGMP available to act on the walls of the blood vessels supplying the corpus cavernous, increasing blood flow to the penis during sexual stimulation, hence increasing the likelihood of a successful erection.
All in all, what does this mean ? It means that Sildenafil, Tadalafil and Vardenafil only work on a single step (albeit an important one) of the whole erection process. The rest is not impacted in anyway. It also means that PDE5 inhibitors are totally ineffective without sexual stimulation. It won’t give you an erection without your consent, so to speak.

What is the point, then, of this medication ?

1. For men with a bad vascular health (cholesterol deposits partially clogging the arteries for instance), the relaxation of the smooth muscles in blood vessels supplying the corpus cavernous may not result in sufficient blood flow to result in an input/output ratio adequate enough to allow the penis to become hard enough (soft erection problem) or stay hard long enough (stamina problem). PDE5-i, by increasing the longevity of the cGMP, helps then.
2. For men who’d like to but are too tired to perform, PDE5-i will help pick up the slack. This is why porn actors use PDE5-i abundantly : after ejaculation, the penis goes into a recess phase and PDE5-i shorten this recess phase drastically. This last reason is also the only one that explains how these pills could be interesting for healthy younger men. In other words, healthy younger men using PDE5-i won’t see any change in the quality (firmness and stamina) of their erection. If you are young and need PDE5-i, have yourself checked for cholesterol and diabetes !

How long do the PDE5-i act ?

• Sildenafil and Vardenafil stay in the blood in sufficient concentration to be active for 6 hours
• Tadalafil stays in the blood in sufficient concentration to be active for 36 hours, hence its nickname of the week-end pill.

Back to your question :

Can a 2 days fest resulting in swollen balls and cock be caused by Sildenafil (Viagra) ? The answer is totally and completely negative. As we have seen, Viagra only acts 6 hours (so 2 days are way out of the question) and it only dilates small blood vessels (so the swollen genitals are out). Additionally, since Viagra does not act on the prostate, it cannot increase the volume of semen.
I’m sorry if I burst your bubble though.

masturbatorsanctum.tumblr.com/post/37406641702/i-took-viagra-and-had-a-2-day-jack-fest-im-32-my#axzz2yEotKuS5

Dominant and submissive headspace

BDSM involves not only physical stimulus, but mental stimulus as well and many of us have triggers that will either evoke positive or negative reactions from us. A positive reaction would be entering into a certain mental state, mindset, or headspace whereas a negative reaction would be the sudden drop out of our headspace. The word “subspace” is a familiar term to those in the lifestyle but do we know what it really is? This article will address some of the indicators of an individual entering into subspace as well as explore what the inverse of subspace is which is sub drop. Lastly, this article will discuss whether or not Dominants experience their own type of “Dom(me)-space”.



Subspace is an altered mental state which some submissives achieve during very intense play (O’ Connell, 2011). Submissives can enter into different levels of subspace at different times with different stimuli and have different reactions even with the same Dominant. A submissive can stay in subspace for minutes, hours, or even days after a session has ended. Every submissive that enters into subspace may or may not share similar sensations or experiences however some of the indicators of subspace include but are not limited to:

• Incoherence, silence, or inappropriate laughter/chatter
• Change in reaction to physical stimulus
• Glassy eyes
• Sense of disassociation between the mind and body
• Dream-like mental state
• Feeling like you are “high”

Subspace can be a frightening and overwhelming experience for new submissives as it requires a complete release of self control over their minds and bodies. Maintaining a safe environment; communicating with the submissive before, during, and after the session; and monitoring their body language are all part of the responsibility of the Dominant to ensure an enjoyable and safe session. Without proper safety precautions and not knowing your partner well enough will mostly cause a severe case of subdrop.

The coming down period from a session can happen quickly or slowly which the return to normality, and can happen quickly, or slowly and it can be a nice experience, or a bad one. And the effects, good or bad, can last almost no time at all, or they can go on for hours, even days (“Sub drop”, 2011). The ideal is for a submissive to have a gradual, positive come down period from subspace however many factors can cause an individual to experience subdrop. These include extreme pain, reaching or pushing a hard limit, or when the safety of the submissive is called into question or the trust of the Dominant is not strong enough. Like subspace, not every submissive will experience subdrop but the causes of it and severity varies between individuals. Some indicators that a submissive is going through subdrop:

• Emotional outbursts
• Depression
• Anger
• Frustration
• Feelings of insecurity, worthlessness, and isolation
• Feelings of unease

“Perhaps subdrop can be thought of along similar lines to the effects of shock and so Dominants should treat the afflicted submissive accordingly: keep them comfortable, watch them for signs of distress, try and understand what they need and provide that. The answers will not always be the same for everyone, but with some practice and a consistent approach, the sub will come to understand that their Dom/me understands what is happening, and is intent on doing all they can to alleviate the situation” (Sub drop, 2011).

While it is part of the responsibility of the Dominant partner to provide a positive experience for the submissive throughout their journey in subspace and during subdrop, can Dominants themselves experience their own version of Dom(me) space and drop? The answer is “yes”. Dom(me) space and drop share similar qualities as its counterpart of subspace and subdrop. However, some people warn of something called “primal space” or when a Dominant starts to feel “bloodlust”. This is when a Dominant feels a sense of detachment from their submissive, discovering a sense of cruelty that wasn’t there before and a loss of control over themselves (“Dom space”, 2002). If the Dominant has reached this stage, the session must immediately stop.

Entering into a headspace can be a rewarding, positive experience however it is crucial to know how to react to certain situations and treat your partner after play has finished. Aftercare for the Dominant is also just as important as aftercare for the submissive, and part of aftercare is communicating to each other what worked and what did not. By being more aware of what some of the indicators are of subspace, subdrop, and Dom(me) space and drop, BDSM practitioners will be able to play more safely. Many aspects of sub or Dom(me) drop can be avoided with proper care during and after a session. Subspace and Dom(me) space meanwhile should be an enjoyable, safe journey that allows both partners to feed off of each other’s energy.

www.keepingitkinky.net/basics/headspace.php

Dominance A Beginning Look

There are many different opinions and ideas about the meaning of dominance in a BDSM context, what the appropriate definition and titles for it, and what being a good dominant means. What makes a good dominant, in some ways, is in the eye of the beholder as each person has their own preferences; there is no cookie cutter mold for a good dominant.



As always, general ethics is strongly considered as a vital role of a play partner and this applies equally, if not even more so, to dominants.

What are we talking about here? Time to Define

The common dictionary defines “dominance” as:

1.rule; control; authority; ascendancy.2.the condition of being dominant.3.Psychology . the disposition of an individual to assertcontrol in dealing with others.4.Animal Behavior . high status in a social group, usuallyacquired as the result of aggression, that involves thetendency to take priority in access to limited resources, asfood, mates, or space.

For alternative communities, the use of the term “dominance” first arose in the 1970s gay community when it became unpopular to feminize the submissive one in same-sex couples (TorqueDom, 2000). In the BDSM context, dominance is seen as a personality trait that can exist in or outside of a relationship and can apply in a single scene or a lifetime lifestyle (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).

Dominants can fall into several categories depending on their level of BDSM and lifestyle activity. Light Dominants are considered to be those who have little desire for any real D/s aspect to any relationship, have poor knowledge on the subject, possess little or no toys/tools, have conflicting life goals that keeps them from being active, but tend to exemplify some dominant BDSM behavior/tendencies. These types of dominants are not always ethical or safe (Mallory).

The Moderate Dominant will generally desire a relationship of some kind, be reasonably educated and willing to learn/explore, and are typically more common. These dominants usually have some interaction with the community and are stable (Mallory).

A Heavy Dominant is usually a seasoned member in the community and has engaged in the lifestyle for a longer period of time. They typically have varied experience with a few areas of expertise and are more likely to desire a full time or 24/7 D/s aspect to their relationship (Mallory).

A Master/Mistress is often considered a dominant with real life BDSM experience (Mallory). Some circles consider these terms to be associated with the consensual and ethics ownership of a slave or submissive and that this title has been earned during that ownership while others feel that these terms may be used by anyone who identifies with them (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).

A Top is typically a dominant but is considered to be the person who is the active participant in an S/M scene in contrast to the bottom who is the recipient of BDSM play (Kaldera & Joshua, 2009).

What kinds of dominants are there?

Dominant is dominant is dominant right? Wrong! There are different styles of dominance and knowing what kind of dominant you are or you are looking for can mean the difference between a satisfying or frustrating experience. Dominant preferences can be observed on a continuum with two polar opposites: parental or celebrity.

Parental dominance does not refer to any ageplay or illegal play with minors. This style of dominance refers to a high level of control over the submissive’s life. A parental style dominant will desire control over the all money, clothing, food, activities, sexual release, etc; the submissive has little to no control over most decisions. These dominants desire a relationship where the submissive does as instructed promptly but nothing more (Kaldera & Tenpenny, Real Service, 2011).

Celebrity dominance is when the dominant prefers for all obstacles out of their path. The submissive will receive extensive training on the preferences and desires of the dominant so that ultimately, the submissive will attend to those details so the dominant can enjoy the effects. This style of dominance expects a level of anticipatory service and requires a submissive who is able to be self sufficient for periods of time while the dominant otherwise occupied. These dominants are often career-driven or keep highly active lifestyles (Kaldera & Tenpenny, Real Service, 2011).

So what makes a good dominant?

If just beginning on the road to domination, take some time to figure out your primary kinks and interests, and then take time to learn about them. Some forms of BDSM have higher risk and you should have a strong knowledge base in them and practicing as much as possible for the safety of yourself as well as your partner prior to engaging in a scene.

A good dominant has a number of important characteristics, each as important as the last. A D/s relationship, despite any outward appearances, is a two-way street and a good dominant is able to give strong, satisfying direction to their submissive that is more than self-centered commands (Nala, 2001).

A good dominant is able to accept the desires and realities of themselves as well as their submissive. They are able to communicate effectively about those needs, desires, and limitations with honesty and respect (Shadowborne, 1997). They should be able to state their desires and preferences in a way that is respectful, consistent and straightforward (Payne, 1999). Dominants are people too and must be able to realize and be honest about their limitations and shortcomings. They also need to be aware of dom headspace and drop and be prepared for their own emotional reaction. Their dominance is inherent and a powerful command of devotion while maintaining an ethical and respectful demeanor (Shadowborne, 1997).

A first-rate dominant is able to understand the psychological and emotional evolution of their submissive and provide the appropriate support. Because of the potential intensity of a BDSM relationship, there is a lot of potential for emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth. If the relationship develops rapidly, the rush of augmentation may be overwhelming. A good dominant should be patient and sensitive to this process (Shadowborne, 1997).

They are able to reliably and infallibly abide by the agreement laid between the dominant and submissive; there should be no question of loyalty or trustworthiness (Shadowborne, 1997). They should hold the best interests of the submissive in mind at all times, protecting the submissive even against themselves in moments of extreme play should it be necessary (Saber, 2001).

Another important characteristic is personal responsibility. The dominant should be serious enough to understand the consequences of the play and be prepared and able to accept responsibility for any potential outcomes. They should be able to exercise appropriate self control for themselves as well as for their submissive (Shadowborne, 1997).

Conclusions

The subject of dominance is not an easy one to sum up and several books have been written on the subject. Style of dominance and tips can also vary depending on the type of kink in question. The important thing to remember is that a good dominant does not stop learning. And remember, being dominant does not make someone better than being submissive, just different (Payne, 1999).

www.keepingitkinky.net/basics/dominance.php

BDSM & Ethics

Ethics is involved in every topic in one way or another and BDSM is no exception. The trouble with ethics is that they tend to evolve as society and culture evolves given that ethics is defined by the structure of culture’s moral principles (LLC, 2011).

For some people, there is the view that BDSM will ultimately result in crimes of deprivation and extreme violence and while there is definitely a concern for safety and some truly unbalanced individuals, most of the community will follow certain ethical guidelines and safety rules (ASJ, 2002). These guidelines are especially important since those in the community are susceptible to persecution and discrimination from the public (Socyberty, 2011).

The most important ethical consideration in BDSM is mutual consent (ASJ, 2002). The border between the abuse and intensity in power exchange situations and relationships can be difficult to separate, especially for those newer to the lifestyle (Raventstone, 2011). This increases the importance of expressed consent and not implied consent in all BDSM situations. It is the responsibility of both players to be open and communicate their needs but it is also the responsibility of the dominant/top to monitor the submissive/bottom for their level of comfort and to ensure that they are not consenting to play that will conflict with their long term interests and functioning (Kitty, 2000).

So how do you ensure consent when protestation can be part of the game?

Most players set up a safe word system; a word or phrase that will unquestionably halt all play for the physical, mental, or emotional safety of the submissive/bottom.

There may be a single safe word for a full stop to play or a system of words that indicate different states such as “Everything’s great, continue” or “This level is ok but do not increase the intensity”. Typically the word “no” should never be considered a safe word (Kitty, 2000). The safe word should be a word that both play partners should feel comfortable with but would not come up in a play situation.

Another consideration when it comes to safe words is to remember that the safe word is there to protect the dominant/top in the play scenario as well. In most cases, it will probably be the submissive who will be more in need of a safe word but depending on a play scenario and the history of a player, a dominant may wish to employ this safety system as well. It is important that when a safe word is used, by either player, that the partner desists in all play activity and follows up with any aftercare and support that may be needed for the well being of their partner.

Some other important ethical considerations can include but not limited to:

• Proper knowledge - be knowledgeable about the kink your engaging in. This will ensure you are accountable and reduce the risks to maximize the safety of all players involved (Stein, 2005). It is always a good idea to practice a new kink before using it on someone.
• Behave ethically - it is not enough to say you are an ethical person but you must act in accordance to those ethics. If you behave unethically in other areas of your life, this will reflect on you within the community and the community generally does not tolerate unethical players (Raventstone, 2011)
• Ensure a safe environment - try to remove and minimize environmental risks during your play. Be aware of potential environmental dangers such as open flame candles, insecure equipment, etc. Be sure to properly sanitize and clean all toys and equipment (Wicked Eden, 2006). You should also be aware of your partners; be aware of their fantasies as well as emotional and physical limitations to ensure that you set up your play environment to respect those limitations (Rage, 2011)
• Honesty - it is incredibly important to be honest with your partner. Do not omit necessary information. Do not make promises you cannot commit to and do not pretend to be someone you are not outside of a structured role play scenario (Stein, 2005)

• BDSM is not therapy - Do not expect your partner to be a substitute for a therapist unless you have that as an aspect of your relationship. If you have legitimate issues that you feel you need help for, seek the appropriate professional, do not expect your BDSM partner to fill this role (Stein, 2005)
• Do no harm - there is a difference to inflicting pain and doing harm. Be conscious of your partners desires and limits and to stay within those parameters. Inflicting indiscriminate, unintentional, or unwanted pain on your partner is the red flag of a bully or an abusive partner. If pain is inflicted in a scenario, it should be intentional and with consent (Stein, 2005)
• Respect privacy - not everyone is able to live an alternative life in the open. Be aware of your play partner’s situation and do not out their alternative life without their permission
• Complete the experience - do not begin a session with a play partner unless you are prepared to see to their needs and be able to provide what they need to come back from the BDSM headspace that they may go into. This means that you should be prepared to see to their emotional and mental needs, along with physical that falls within the range of your relationship with them (Stein, 2005)
• Take care of and respect yourself - take care of your own physical, mental, and emotional health before engaging in play. Be at a place of stability. You deserve that for yourself and your partner deserves to play with someone who will be present in the session.

www.keepingitkinky.net/basics/ethics.php

What are Red Flags?

Red flags are warning signs that a potential partner may not be a safe person for you to play with.

What is a red flag for one person, may not be a red flag for someone else; to a certain degree what constitutes a red flag can be somewhat personal (Shadowborne, 1999). Most of the list assembled here is concerned with identifying abusive tendencies in a partner.

Does your partner :

• Try to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
• Avoid talking about personal details and/or get mad when you ask or quickly end the conversation or answering questions with questions.
• Have no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
• Get angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
• Tell you inconsistent details about themselves.
• Avoid giving you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Only communicate with you at strange hours and get mad if you try to contact them at other times.
• Criticize the BDSM community and refuse to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
• Consistently break promises.
• Always find excuses for not meeting real time.

• Always put blame on others for things going wrong.
• Does not take personal responsibility.
• Have bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Push you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Swear undying love before even meeting you.
• Hide behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Try to make you feel guilty for not being good enough; tells that you are not a “True” sub.
• Lose control of their emotions in arguments and regress to yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Put you down in front of other people.
• Turn instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treat you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Never say “thank you”, “excuse me” or “I am sorry” to anyone.
• Lie or withhold information; cheat on you or is overly jealous.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
• Try to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

• Belittles your ideas.
• Blame you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• Constantly ask for large amounts of money from you or others.
• Threaten suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately say or do things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Want control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
• ONLY interact with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never show you their human side, is emotionless, hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Have multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
• Disappear from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Try to intimidate you, are you afraid of your partner in a real sense outside of a play scenario
• Threaten to leave or abandon you if you do not submit
• Routinely threaten violence for submission outside of your comfort zone
• Give you expensive gifts to gain compliance on something you do not wish to do
• Make you feel unwanted or ugly
• Ever forced intimacy on you against your wishes
• Ignore your needs, including medical treatment, clothing or food
• Question your loyalty
• Ignore or refuse the use of safe words
• Expect complete submission from a stranger
• Have nothing nice to say about previous partners
• Say they will do anything you want without even a first face-to-face meeting
• Get upset with you about wanting to make a safe call on a first meeting
• Insist on a scene on your first meeting

This list is not complete but a starting place; it is some important things to consider when looking for a new play partner.

www.keepingitkinky.net/basics/red_flags.php

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