Location Fantasy: Bathroom

Another location that induces a lot of fantasies (if not actual “practices”) id the Bathroom. This is probably due to two main reasons, first of all the association with nudity, which is often normal in a bathroom. And second because of the association with water, an element capable of enhancing sexual stimulation.

We’re of course considering here only a home bath-room, not a public toilet to which we’ll dedicate some more attention in a different post.

So the idea of performing the sexual act under the shower or in the bath-tub is something that affects the dreams of many people. So here are a couple of suggestions you should take into consideration when practicing sex in the Bath-room.

• Slippery Floor make sure you pay attention to the fact that the floor gets slippery quite easily if you’re not careful enough. This of course depends from the floor quality and type.
• Water is a “bad” lube. If you’ve ever tried fucking under the shower or in the bath-tub you’ve probably noticed that water actually creates more problems than solving them. As such it is a quite bad lube, so if you intend to practice anal sex in the shower, make sure you bring along some lube in any case. Using a shampoo or a shower gel could be a bad idea, because it can irritate the anus internally.
• Don’t “pump” it in. Another thing to take care is not to pump water inside your partner anus. Especially if you are in the bath-tub this could happen. The issue is that water (especially if warm) can create some intestine troubles if pushed inside. So make sure you don’t get out completely from his anus.

Of course I don’t want to scare you with this tips, they’re just things to be remembered. For the rest the shower is a perfect spot for making love, and so is the bath-tub, maybe in this case used especially as a relaxing preliminary. In both cases the warm water will have a relaxing effect on all your body (well maybe not really on all of it).

The shower can be a much more dynamic contest to experience sexual pleasure. All main activities (oral sex, rimming, anal-sex) can be performed, with the only limitation that most of the sex needs to be “standing”. So perfect positions for this are The Kneeling Position for blowjob. One point of attention regarding oral sex in the shower is the flowing water. Which may interfere with the normal breathing. Something that, in some cases, can increase the pleasure of it, but take care! For what concerns anal sex Standing Positions are the most obvious. Shower also calls for some more “fun” actions, like pissing and freedom to cum wherever you want, since water will help the cleaning rpocess.

For what concerns the Bath-tub it very much depends from its size. One of the best options in this case, talking of anal sex, is to use the Sleeper Position which is perfect to underline the relaxation atmosphere of the bathtub itself, and is the best to avoid the dangers of the slippery environment.
In any case, have loads of fun!

So are you ready to start practicing?

gayspirit.me/post/4979461586/113-location-fantasy-bathroom

What's a Gloryhole? and what’s the etiquette at one?

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Tips for Visiting a Gay Bathhouse

I do not, under any circumstance, want to scare you away from going to your first bathhouse experience. They can be really fun. A few things to be aware of from the start. Most bathhouses tend to be in questionable parts of town, so precautions should always be taken. As with any such establishment, theft may occur so be cautious and take care of your belongings (when I first started myself, a thief licking my ass actually picked and chose which of my credit cards to steal).



Another thing, drug use occurs way too often and tweakers can be rampant. I personally think a bathhouse is the exact wrong place to indulge yourself in case the trip goes badly. I’ve seen weird shit go down too often. If things go wrong, the workers will usually just toss your ass out on the street. Tweakers can also be among the worst thieves, especially of cash, valuables, poppers and sex supplies.

BEFORE YOU GO…

1. Shower and clean up thoroughly
2. Clean and trim and be as neat as possible
3. If you’re a bottom or you’re thinking there’s even the most remote possibility you might bottom, douche, douche again, and douche extra deep. Then wait a couple of hours and repeat.

THINGS TO BRING WITH YOU…

1. Plenty of cash (to get in, snacks, drinks and a cab if you need it to get home or somewhere safe)
2. Driver’s license (yes, you will be required to show one to get in and some places even hold it up front until you leave)
3. A cell phone (some places say they’re not allowed, just hide it; you may need it later when you leave)
4. Poppers & lube (I recommend you bring two small bottles of poppers — because one will get stolen — and several pillow packs of lube)
5. Optionally, you may want to bring sandals if you’re concerned about a little athlete’s foot later (as if that’s the worst thing you could pick up in a bathhouse)

WHAT NOT TO BRING…

1. Credit cards or any extra items in your wallet (again, it just puts them at risk to be stolen)
2. Expensive jewelry (target for thieves)
3. Condoms (no need because there’s always plenty of free ones available and around, even if you’re a nazi)
4. An attitude

Attitude deserves a special call out. Do not bring one with you to a bathhouse. While there will people you will not want to have sex with, there’s nothing less attractive on a man than the I-am-so-much-better-than-you-because-I-am-buff-beautiful-and-young attitude. Truth is, you’re a sex fiend and you are walking around in a towel looking for dick or ass or mouth or to be pissed on or whatever.

There’s a level of mutual respect in a bathhouse that usually happens and I’ve seen attitude queens get shunned because they’re rude to the trolls.

WHAT TO WEAR…

You are observed when you arrive. I prefer the casual jeans, t-shirt, hoodie, sneakers, etc. Again, nothing too expensive in case it gets lost. Oh, and I usually have an extra set of clothes in my car in case the set of clothes inside gets gone somehow.

WHEN YOU ARRIVE…

You will be asked for your photo ID (driver’s license) and will be required to “join” the private club or purchase a day pass (if they have one). It will be expensive — anywhere from $20 to $50. Then you will have a selection of a locker to different levels of rooms.

Lockers are just that. Just like a health club. All you get is a locker with a lock. You put your clothes and belongings inside it. You do not have a place to go to have sex. You will have sex in a public area or hope that the guy or guys you decide to hook up with have a room. Some bathhouses do not allow sex in public or open spaces, despite the fact they are a bathhouse.

I personally recommend a room for a first-timer. This will give you a retreat away from things. Most basic rooms just have a light-bulb with a small platform, a tiny cushion (not long enough to stretch out on), a pillow and a door that locks. It’s a tiny little room, basically the size of a closet. At the front desk, you are provided with a towel, some linens, a paper bag and a key to the room. Some places will allow you to lock items up front like your cell phone, keys and/or wallet.

(I personally never go cell-phone-less but I’ve never had a problem with the lock box.)

Room options including full size beds (which means if you’re going to spend a long time there, it might be easier to snooze), rooms with television (of course, playing gay porn), rooms with slings and other specialized rooms (massage, medical equipment, etc.). All of these options cost more money.

You are renting the locker or the room for a period of time — eight hours is normal.

If you choose to go with the buddy system and take a friend, you technically cannot “share” a room.

To save the most money, one of you needs to buy a locker and the other can buy a room. But I recommend you both buy rooms and ask the host to give you rooms close to one another.

When you arrive, you are expected to go and find you room, remove all your clothing (yes, ALL of it, underwear included) and put the towel on. Then you are basically ready for sex.

A FEW SUGGESTIONS…

1. Don’t get your feelings hurt when you’re refused or turned down. Everyone has their types.
2. Don’t be a bitch when a guy who turned you down earlier decides later to take you on.
3. You paid a lot of money to get into this place, so remember that it’s about the journey, not the destination. Don’t try to cum immediately. Just have fun. And if you cum, try to cum a few times before leaving.

BASICS ON A BATHHOUSE

In general, barebacking is the norm at a bathhouse. Don’t scream at me. It’s true. In all my encounters at bathhouses, I’ve only had one man ever insist on a condom. I see condoms everywhere. In fact, almost every bottom I’ve ever fucked had condoms with him. Men love the appearance that they’re going to be safe. But the truth is men are pigs and that includes our sexual encounters.

If you want to have safe sex and you are a bottom, I recommend you take a spotter or buddy with you to make sure your top stays wrapped and keeps wrapped. I’ve never stealthed at a bathhouse (again, there’s no need to) but I imagine it would be easy.

You will encounter men of all shapes and sizes and races and ages. Believe me, someone for everyone exists at a decent bathhouse on a good night. You may not get your number one choice, but you sure as fuck can have a good time.

Don’t be afraid to step back from a bad experience and move on if you’re not enjoying yourself. It’s okay. If he can’t suck cock and he won’t let me fuck his ass, I move on. Not worth my time. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. And try not to let yours get hurt. It’s just about the sex.

DIFFERENT AREAS IN A BATHHOUSE

Of course, each bathhouse is different so it varies. I’ll just highlight a few that I know.
1. The steamroom. Since I wear glasses, this is a room I generally stay away from, but it’s the old fashioned steamed up, hot as hell room. Sex can happen or start here. It’s hard to see (even if you don’t have glasses).
2. The dry sauna. Same as the steamroom but without the steam, so you can see what you’re getting into. I’ve seen plenty of sucking and even a little fucking in the dry sauna. Sweat really lubes up the cock and ass in this space.
3. Showers. Generally, men go here to clean up between encounters or to show off their bodies and big cocks.
4. Exercise room. Really working on my gluts, man. I’ve seen a lot of rooms with equipment but never seen the rooms actually used for anything other than, well, the beginning of hook-ups.
5. Sunbathing area. For those sun-worshipers, it’s an outdoor space for getting a tan (and sometimes smoking). Nude sunbathing is the norm here and sex can start and even finish here, although I’ve only really seen oral.
6. Jacuzzi and/or pool. Come on get soaking wet with other men. Funny thing is I’ve seen more men get funky in the sauna or steamroom than in the jacuzzi/pool. And they always seem to over chlorinate these waters.
7. Mazes. Personally, I find these spaces can be fun if done right. It’s usually a room, painted black with very little light. I saw one with black lights and with painted obscene messages in fluorescent paints. Sometimes there’s gloryholes. Wander through and see if lots of men are cruising around.
8. Dark rooms or “black outs.” Rather than a maze, this is just a room or a hallway that is completely dark. You cannot see who is touching you and they cannot see you. Anything goes here.
9. Dance floor. Yes, I have seen bathhouses where you can cut a rug and dance with you cock out. Not my thing. Don’t ask me.
10. Lounge. No sex here. Usually a nice space with a television, some fake plants and snack machine. It’s a place to take a break.
11. Locker room. For all your fantasies, no sex here. For the cheapest rates at a bathhouse, you rent a locker and you change here and lock up your belongings here.
12. Massage room. Some places will “rent” or loan the room to a “licensed” therapist. His job is to work out your stress, which seems to be in your shoulders, your back, your ass, your asshole, your balls and your cock. When all that stress is finally released all over his hand or the inside of his mouth or ass, you owe him money. Gosh, this place is expensive.
13. Bunk room. For the frugal locker users, they don’t have a place to sleep off the drug-induced crash or the post-ejaculation downer, so some offer this kind of space. Now, I’ve found sometimes hook-ups can start here.
14. Cyber lounge. So there’s not enough men in the bathhouse, check out all the men online and invite them over. Have cybersex online! Yay! Come on dude! Real live human beings with cocks and mouths and assholes nearby. Don’t be so picky.
15. Fetish rooms. Jail cells, medical bays, dungeons, meat locker, rodeo, sling, St. Andrew’s cross, etc. are available. Sometimes these are rooms at a cost, sometimes these are public play areas. Either way, if you have a fantasy, they can happen. I’ve seen each of these.

THE DIFFERENT CRUISERS…

Door wide open, on his back, jerking off to video
Oral bottom 80% chance, anal bottom 60% chance, oral top 30% chance, anal top 40% chance
He wants a good look at you and wants you to get a good look at him. So, if you’re interested, linger in view for a moment. He’ll glance at you a few times. If his attention goes back to the television and ignores you, move on. If not, move to the doorway, rub your crotch. He should begin jerking off more to you than the TV. Again, if at anytime, he goes back to the TV, then move on. Otherwise, open your towel so he can see your inflating cock and move toward him. If he reaches toward it, close the door. If he motions “no” with his hand, move on.

Door wide open, on his stomach, “relaxing”
Anal bottom 100% chance, oral bottom 60% chance, anal top 0% chance, oral top 5% chance
He’s looking to get fucked, obviously. He might be a little picky about who does it. Slow down, approach, step up. If he says, “I’m just taking a break” or “I’m just relaxing,” then move on. That’s code for, “I’m not interested.” If he says nothing, keep getting closer and touch his ass. He’ll likely be extremely passive and you’ll need to guide him to suck if you want sucked.

Door wide open, on his stomach, “asleep”
Anal bottom 100% chance, oral bottom 0% chance, anal top 0% chance, oral top 0% chance
He is looking to get fucked and he is likely already loaded. A few times. He’s not picky (and it’s rare to find these kind of men are good looking or decent looking or anything above fugly). Sometimes they really are asleep, coming down off crystal after being fucked for 12 hours straight. Now I personally love dipping into a preloaded ass — there’s something hot about it — but there’s some places even I won’t go. I let sleeping dogs lie.

Door open, standing in door, naked, relaxed
50%/50% on everything
Eye contact is everything pretty much here on out, so if he’s in the door, he’s ready to invite you in. Just stop near by let him get a good look at you, you get a good look at him, look him in the eye, if he keeps looking at you, approach. Now hopefully he’s not staring at a bizarre birthmark over your left eye or anything. Tweak a nipple or ask in a low voice what he’s interested in. You can glance inside his room to see what’s out. But he’ll tell you what he wants to do. You do the same. Don’t be afraid to move on. Likewise, don’t be afraid to step inside and sample the wares.

Standing along the wall, no place in particular
50%/50% on everything
Again, eye contact matters. (Personally, I think tops tend to roam more and bottoms tend to be more stationary, but that’s not necessarily a rule.) Just like the previous one, watch him for a bit, if he watches you, good eye contact, saddle up to him and start a conversation. “Howzit going today?” or “Any luck so far?”

Wandering around, wearing a towel
50%/50% on everything
Following him will not work. DO NOT STALK. He will slow down if he’s interested in you. Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact. Generally, I monitor his pattern and if he’s headed a route toward where my room is, I’ll conveniently need to stop in my room. I’ll glance over my shoulder toward him repeatedly. If he looks at me and I’m looking at him, the message is received. I’ll leave the door open a crack and he’ll step in behind. Brief exchange of interest then go at it or kick his ass out.

Wandering around, wearing fashionable underwear, towel over shoulder
Bottom 90% chance, top 20% chance, tweaker 75% chance
Where does he store the Tina/crystal bags? In his underwear. He’s hot. He’s out of your league. But if he’s high enough, chances are you can fuck his ass. Just be aware if he’s been doing booty bumps, you might get some on or in your cock. In general, though, I’ve found that these guys run around in pairs and are actually the men selling the drugs.

Stalkers or (worse) stalker trolls
0% chance of anything
These guys just will not leave you alone. They follow. They try to touch. They don’t get the hint that you’re not interested. To get them off my scent, I’ve gone into my room, locked the door and waited for 15 to 20 minutes. If they’re still outside waiting on you to come out, I roll my eyes with a disgusted look on my face, close the door and wait another five. If they’re still waiting, I will be so bold to tell them to fuck off. Drugged up stalkers might make things a little dangerous so it’s not worth it. Just leave.

Couples getting their jollies
10% chance of anything
Seeking to get a little spice in your love life? Well, these couples are. So they go to a bathhouse, open the door and fuck. They want you to watch. They even don’t mind a little touching. But the top will not let anyone else fuck the bottom and the top will not fuck anyone else. That is, unless you’re a couple of leagues above their collective top status. So let’s save the bottom is a seven (on the one-to-ten scale) and the top is a five. The third they might play with would need to be at least an eight (if he’s another top) or a nine. That is, unless he’s really hung and the top is sort of versatile.

Jerkers (or voyeurs)
0% or anything other than bukkake
These are guys just looking to watch. They will wander around until they see something happening and they will stand back and jerk it. They just want to masturbate. They do not want anyone else to play with them.

TIPS AND TRICKS

Who has a room and who has a locker? Which did you rent? Your key is on a lanyard or wristband with a certain color. So let’s say you rented a room and it’s a red wristband. As you walk through, you notice a lot of men standing in the hall have a bunch of blue wristbands along with a few reds and a couple of greens. Chances are the blue are locker boys with greens for special rooms.

Between tricks. If you get hot and heavy with anyone, it’s polite to go take a quick rinse off. You don’t have to completely shower off and lather up every inch. But at least get the top layer of cum, spit, sweat and lube off of you.

Dick breath. I always carry a fresh pack of gum that I chew between encounters. I don’t recommend bringing a toothbrush (even for the best mouth hygiene, you could open your gums for bleeding with could introduce your blood or theirs). If you want something stronger than gum, bring a sample of mouthwash.

Using a secret word. If I go with a buddy, I always have a “secret word” that we both know. If either of us use it, it’s an indication of need. Loyal friends will drop what or who he’s doing and run to the rescue. Usually that means going to the other’s room. It really depends on the circumstance and your discussions with your friend.

Shit it out. If you need to shit, go home.

WHEN TO GO

Of course, weekends are always the best — Friday night until Sunday night. However some surprising times I find works:

• Mondays: If you didn’t get laid over the weekend and you want it, you’ll end up in the bathhouse on Monday. It’s also convenient to take Monday off from work since it’s next to the weekend.
• Thursday night: College towns especially will usually have a good night on Thursday. If someone is taking off Friday too and want to kick the weekend off with a good lay, Thursday night is when the weekend begins.

Each town and city is different. Each has a different vibe, a different day or night that might make a different time better or worst. For example, when do the bars close? That’s when the horny men will show up at the bathhouses for a quickie.
Post an ad to Craigslist.org and see what the locals suggest. They will usually steer you the right direction.

iblastinside.com/gay-sex-guides/tips-for-a-bathhouse-newbie

Everything You Need to Know Before Your First Gay Sex Party

Whether you're a newbie or a seasoned pro, brush up on your sex party etiquette here

1. If it’s your first time, go with a friend

The buddy system works at sex parties, too. Friends make orgies better. Whether you’re going to a private party in someone's condo or an industrial sex dungeon with a coat check and pricey admittance fee, you’re probably going to be a little nervous and feel a little overwhelmed. Go with a friend — preferably one with benefits — and you’ll have a familiar face nearby in case you need one.



2. Wear tall socks

Tall socks (the fetish wear brand Nasty Pig sells a good collection) make for a perfect place to stash your ID, credit card, cash, lube, and other essentials when you shed the rest of your clothes. This rule of thumb really only applies to official venues — circuit parties, sex clubs, and so on — where you may be naked but keep your shoes and socks on. If you’re at a bathhouse or a private party, you should probably lose your shoes and socks, too.

3. Know if the sex party is happening at a venue or private residence

Location makes a huge difference. Public venues (warehouses, sex clubs, bathhouses, et al.) may require a ticket or charge an admittance fee. House or apartment parties in private residences are usually free, but not always — larger ones may require a fee or have a suggested donation.

Sex parties in private residences are, well, private, and usually smaller, so the expectations of attendees are different. They may be invite-only, or you may need to “know a guy,” and there will sometimes be a host who you need to thank. You may be expected to play with everyone there, or at least not be obvious as to who you’re less interested in. Parties like these can be more personal than those at a public venue, but that comes with its own benefits and drawbacks, too.

On the other hand, there are virtually no expectations of attendees in public spaces or sex clubs. You can do what you want. You can watch, participate, play in a group, or tuck away to a semi-private space (if such spaces are available) for more one-on-one action.

That said, some private sex parties are massive, because some private residences are massive, with hundreds of attendees. While they may still be invite-only (or you may need to be on some sort of mailing list), the expectation to play with everyone doesn’t exist at these. You’re not superhuman.

4. Know as much as you can about the sex party before you go

Many sex parties require a specific dress code — jockstrap or nude only, for example. Others are gear-focused and require you to wear certain attire. Many are male-only, but some are mixed.

Some parties ask you to hide your features with a hood or mask. Some may feature drug use; others are exclusively sober. Many parties at public venues will prohibit the use of drugs, so if you’re curious about group sex or sex parties but wish to avoid drugs, your local bathhouse may be the best first step. Some parties are condom-friendly; others are bareback-only. Know what kind of party or venue you’re going to so you can be prepared to make choices within your comfort levels once you’re there.

5. Bring your own lube, condoms, and other essentials

Even if the host says lube or condoms (or whatever you need) will be available, it’s always best to bring your own. Don’t bring the largest, most expensive bottle of lube you own, in case it gets lost, left behind, or worse — shared. I’ve watched with frustration as my silky premium silicone lube got depleted and passed around by greedy party-goers. I’m too polite to ask them to stop. Don’t make my same mistake.

6. If you use poppers, bring your own

“Poppers” are small amber bottles filled with nitrates that, when inhaled, create a fleeting, “head rush” high. They exist on the grey market in America — they can’t be sold as a drug, but they can be sold under thinly-veiled alternative purposes, like “VHS cleaner.” They’re widely used during gay sex and at gay sex parties, one reason being because they relax smooth muscle tissue in the anus, making penetration easier.

While they’re not addictive, and they’re a relatively low-risk drug, they do come with potential side effects (certain kinds can damage your eyes, and if you have heart problems or conditions related to blood pressure, they can be dangerous). If you’re using Viagra, Cialis or another drug for erectile dysfunction, you should never do poppers, because the combination can lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.

Poppers are widely, recreationally used at gay sex parties (and anywhere gay men are gathered). Even if you don’t use them, they will be present at the next sex party you attend — unless, of course, you’re attending an explicitly sober sex party. If you like to use poppers, bring your own bottle, so that you know exactly what’s in them.

7. Never assume the condom policy

If you go to a bareback sex party and pull out condoms, you might be asked to leave. If the party is condom-only and you show up ready to play bare, you may also be asked to leave.

If you go to a sex venue, you’re usually free to do whatever you choose, although certain sex parties at certain venues cater exclusively to an all-bareback clientele. If it’s a private house party, find out beforehand what the condom policy is — never assume.

Some venues are required by state law to provide condoms and make them visible to visitors. Some even have signs saying you “must” use them. You can decide how seriously you want to treat these signs, but in either case, show up prepared.

8. If you’re bottoming and want to douche, prepare beforehand

Never assume there will be someplace for you to clean out at a sex party — while many make this an option, many more don’t. And while you don’t have to douche to bottom, if you feel like you need to, you should prepare beforehand.

I always try to be extra prepared if I’m going to a group sex party — regardless if it’s at a venue, bathhouse, or private home. I clean once, wait (up to an hour sometimes), and clean again. By this point I’ve also usually stopped eating for half a day or more. Remember that it can take more than a day for your body to process food and produce a bowel movement. These aren’t necessary steps for everyone, and not everyone douches — especially if you eat a high fiber diet — but if you do douche, douche before.

9. Don’t feel defeated if you’re not clean. There’s always another sex party

Easier said than done, right? There are few things in life more frustrating than preparing for an awesome party, arriving, seeing the sexy crowd, and realizing you’re not good to go. I know how crushing that can feel in the moment, but don’t let it ruin your weekend. There’s always another sex party. There’s probably another one happening somewhere right now.

If you’re not willing to top (it will be appreciated by bottoms present), enjoy oral sex, or simply watch and get off, go home and watch Netflix or cuddle with a friend and try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone — pros and novices alike. Every single man who has sex with men has been in that situation.

10. If it’s a private party, don’t ask about other attendees

This is an amateur move; a good sex party host never reveals other invitees/attendees. The unspoken agreement you make when you arrive at most sex parties is one of complicity and anonymity. You’re there to have sex. Everyone else is, too. You're in the same boat — equally implicated with everyone else in attendance.

11. Wear simple clothing

My advice is to wear old clothes and go minimal. I wear gym shorts, jockstrap, socks, shoes, and a t-shirt. That’s it. Don’t wear your sexy clothes or your nice clothes, since no one will see them. Wear clothes you don’t mind stuffing into a locker that hasn’t been cleaned since the last person who used it, or clothes you wouldn’t mind getting soiled or stained.

12. Respect the dress code, if there is one

If the party has a fetish gear dress code, you must wear fetish gear. A jockstrap and shoes likely won’t cut it. A jockstrap and harness might not even be enough. A true gear party will have doormen to evaluate if you’re wearing adequate attire, and they will turn you away if you’re not.

Also, if the party says “jockstrap or naked only,” yes, you will have to strip down to your jockstrap, if you’re wearing one, or go naked. I get irritated when I’m in a sex venue where everyone is naked or mostly-naked and one person is walking around fully dressed — many others do, too.

13. Bring cash

The coat/bag check will likely be cash-only. Most venues have coat/bag checks — or they’ll have lockers, which may or may not require cash to rent. This rule only applies to venues, although some hosts of private parties do provide space to put your stuff — something you should thank them for.

Keep in mind that many venues are entirely cash-only — including the membership fee, if there is one, and the fee to get in. Don’t assume an ATM will be present. Get cash ahead of time.

14. Never bring your phone into the sex party

Some venues will require you to check your phone at the door. If you’re not having a good time, simply leave. Let everyone keep playing and step outside; get in your car, hop on the subway, call an Uber, and arrange plans somewhere else. Or go home. Don’t stay on your phone when people are in your vicinity and ready to play.

15. You may have to purchase a membership

If it’s a bathhouse or sex club, you may have to purchase a club membership the first time you go. There are a variety of reasons why venues require this, but mostly it’s because some state laws outlaw sex clubs but allow “private clubs,” so by requiring attendees to purchase memberships, they meet the criteria of the latter. Some even give you a membership card, which you should hold on to if you plan on coming back.

www.them.us/story/gay-sex-party-guide-1

Underwear parties are not a free pass to be a Dick!

Keep your fucking fingers to yourselves

Last week I went to an underwear party. It’s been a while since I’ve been out in Melbourne and I was looking forward to enjoying some beers and some dicks with my friends.

I have written about Party etiquette before but its a subject that keeps coming up. How we conduct ourselves around others at parties shouldn’t be something that I need to keep revisiting but here it is.

Underwear parties are sexually charged environments, possibly more so than other parties and that can mean we are placing ourselves in harms way when it comes to unwanted attention. It’s your responsibility to make sure you conduct yourself in a way that is respectful and appropriate.

Walking up to some one in a darkroom and sticking your fingers in their ass without consent is assault.

Sticking your fingers in their ass with consent and then refusing to stop when asked is assault.

Slapping someone in a darkroom because they said no is assault.

Consent ten minutes ago or an hour ago does not mean a person cannot change their mind.

I have experienced all of these things personally.

Darkrooms are sexual playgrounds and what qualifies as consent is something that is not easy to define but being present in a Darkroom does not automatically imply that a persons body is open to all and you should never assume such. If somebody indicates that they don’t want your attention that doesn’t mean try again or ignore them. If I have to forcefully pull your fingers out of my ass for a second time you are being a fucking dickhead.

If I seem angry about this it is because I am and it’s because I am tired of men in sexual situations who will not take no for an answer. I accept that when I am in a darkroom people are going to try and have a go. Adult playgrounds require adult attitudes and have adult consequences, but I am tired of having to aggressively assert myself over people who will not respect the word no or continue to pursue me after I have pushed them away.

We don’t accept that the way a Woman is dressed is an excuse to rape them because we know that such behaviour is despicable and that responsibility for our actions always begins with our own conduct. How I dress at an Underwear party is not an excuse for you to behave like a pig.

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BDSM 101: Dungeon/Event Etiquette

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Cruising @ Real World

Pubs clubs and bars

Pubs, clubs and bars are an obvious place to meet friends and are still among the easiest places to find other gay men, though the massive increase in the use of apps has hammered the traditional gay scene hard. We will eventually realise what we’ve done and may well bitterly regret the time we turned our backs on our scene.

The skills we use for cruising, meeting and chatting-up are pretty universal and can be adapted for use just about anywhere. Above all, if you go out thinking you’re going to find ‘him’ you are likely to be disappointed. The air of desperation is easily recognised and drives many men away.

Go with the flow, relax and enjoy yourself. You’ll be a much better mood, you’ll communicate better and if you don’t pick up it’ll be a case of “so what… there’s always tomorrow” rather than beating yourself up over failure.

• Say hello to security on the door as you walk in – you never know when you might need them.
• A lot of bar etiquette is macho stuff inherited from traditional pub culture where you can only ‘be a man’ if you look tough and drink a man’s drink; it’s against this we can be measured. You should drink exactly what you want, although bear in mind that certain combinations may make you less-looked-for cruising material. When was the last time you saw a skinhead with a piña colada, or a drag queen holding a pint of Guinness. In fact, we’ve seen both and they were tremendous!
• If you smoke, make sure your pack is to hand and you’re not wrestling with a drink and lighter (through some guys are very skilled).
• Find a place that gives you a decent view of what’s going on, but, if it’s busy, avoid the main thoroughfares to and from the bar, coat-check, toilets, dance floor and loudspeakers.
• A busy venue is not necessarily a great place to cruise. If the venue’s packed with punters moving around like herds of cattle it can be difficult to both see and be seen.
• Guys are likely to look at you so, even if you’re shy, try to acknowledge them with a friendly look or smile rather than looking as if you’ve lost a contact lens at the bottom of your glass.
• By all means move around, but not so much as to appear desperate or nervous. Someone could be looking for you, and staying in a couple of regular spots improves his chances of finding you.
• Difficult though this might be to believe, you can’t cruise everyone! So identify a few guys and concentrate on them.

Chatting up

The key to chatting up a guy is patience but, since we’re usually thinking with our dicks and driven by an uncontrollable urge to shift our load by morning, we can move very fast.

Unfortunately, this can be at the expense of some common sense stuff that can help a first meeting get off to a flying start. On some of the larger scenes we can also compromise our chances: if one guy doesn’t fit the bill within a nanosecond, we move on to the next. This sort of behaviour can become habitual and you’ll miss out on some great men.

Unless you’re carving notches on the bed post, it’s the quality not the quantity that counts. How we connect with other men varies enormously but if you like someone let him know. If you don’t he’ll never know what he’s missing. The looks… the glances… the ‘ballet’ around the venue to find better vantage points (from which to see or be seen) or to engineer a close encounter… are all part of the ritual to reduce the possibility of rejection. (Of course, if we could handle the rejection better, more of us would go straight up to a guy, say hello, and take it from there).

We often aim to find a balance between showing interest, casually ignoring him, and making our intentions clear. Eventually though you should do something about it, if only to spare yourself the nagging doubt as you go home alone.

Many of us have developed our own individual styles of chatting to and picking up men and so the following suggestions may seem contrived. But, if you go through the following points, you’ll probably pick at least one thing you could do better (apart from him).
Everyone has an opening line and it’s not as if we haven’t heard them all before – particularly the crap ones. Even if it’s terrible, you’ve plucked up the courage to say “Hi!” and that’s more than he’s done if he’s just standing there waiting for you to make the first move. However, just for the record, here are a few chat-up lines that didn’t quite work out as intended:

• “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?” “It’s a gun.”
• “What would it take to get a kiss from you?” “Chloroform.”
• “My friends have told me about you…” “What friends?”
• “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” “The one I was having before you came over.”
• “Got a light?” “Yes.”

In the first instance, conversation should be easy-going and relaxed and any questions should be straightforward. If you start with something clever or devastatingly witty you may catch him off-guard or put him on the spot. He may then feel he needs to match you and if he’s shy or out of practice then you’ve immediately put him at a disadvantage. On the other hand, some guys do it to sort out the men from the boys, so if it works for you do it – but you know the risks. Here are our chatting up tips:

• Your voice should be friendly, confident and relaxed – not pushy, smarmy or over-eager
• Find out his name, remember it, use it every now then and don’t forget it
• Keep the eye contact going
• Get him to talk about himself but don’t turn it into an interrogation or forget that you’re part of this too
• If you don’t want to talk to him be polite, firm and honest
• Consider your body language and observe his. Unless he’s been explicit about what he wants, don’t get too close in the first instance. Believe it or not we all need some time to get accustomed to being in each other’s space. Instinct and practice will let you know when it’s time to get closer, particularly if his hand wanders on to your arse or crotch.
• Mirroring each other’s body language can also help relax you both. For example, taking a drink when he drinks and re-positioning yourself when he does generates a comfortable rhythm between you. Mind you, it needs to be casual – not a comedy routine.

Rejection

Indications that you’re not onto a winner usually include minimal eye contact and/or his eyes scanning men other than you, one word replies, the tone of his voice, or an unwillingness to initiate or respond to conversation. If he turns you down, don’t necessarily think that it’s you; it could be for a number of reasons:

• He’s already got plans
• He’s drunk
• He’s got a boyfriend
• He’s just broken up
• He’s just had sex
• He’s nervous or shy
• He’s not in the mood
• He’s on drugs
• He’s not good enough for you
• He’s got a STI
• Maybe you just don’t turn him on

How to make ‘no’ nice

If you’re not interested in a guy who’s obviously got you in his sights, it goes a long way to be polite when saying ‘No’.
OK, you may want tell the guy to stop bothering you, but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: how would you feel? You should always aim to make a polite getaway. Speak firmly to make it clear that the conversation is over but – if you can – smile genuinely. This way no one is made to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. We’ve all been there so don’t do it to others.
If he won’t go away and you’ve shown him every reasonable courtesy, then tell him to… [in your own words].

Cruising the streets

Meeting guys on the street happens all the time, but while the theory is simple, the practice requires a little more balls and timing. So, if you see a guy you like, here are a few handy tips:

• First things first, check your ‘gaydar’ (that exclusive sixth sense only known to gay men). Looks can be deceptive, and many straight men dress gay for fashion.
• Depending on the distance between you, you may need to change your angle of approach to ensure you pass by. Be casual, and if you’re unfamiliar with the art of subtlety it’s possibly best not to try. As you near each other look straight into his eyes in friendly non-threatening manner. If he does the same – and any longer than is usual between strangers – continue to look at him as you pass him.
• Now this is the hard part. At what point do you look over your shoulder to see if he’s doing the same? When you’re doing it he might only be thinking about it or he could be doing it while you’re making up your mind! Hopefully, five or ten paces on, you’ll both do it at the same time. If not, you’ll never know what you missed, quite literally.
• If he’s doing the same, you’ll both pretend not to cruise when in fact you both know what you’re both doing. Your heart pounds as you work out who’s going to make the next move. A friendly smile, a casual remark or a straight forward “Hi!” can break the ice but it does help if one of you has the courage to speak. His body language, his voice and facial expression should all tell you whether he’s interested or not.
• If, after talking to him, you change your mind, you should make a clean polite getaway. “Nice to meet you” or “see you around” and a friendly smile will usually do it, but say it as you’re leaving so as to make it clear that the encounter is over.

Street safety

When you are out and about, it’s easy to forget personal safety and that assaults on gay men still happen. If you’re on the street or on your local cruising ground, remember:

• Keep your wits about you
• Don’t over engage with everyone you meet
• Try to avoid being on your own in an unfamiliar area, especially if you are drunk or have taken recreational drugs. Be vigilant when leaving gay venues
• Always walk with a purpose, head up, and as if you know where you’re going. Be alert. Know who or what is behind you at all times. If you think you’re being followed, cross the road to check. If possible keep to well lit and peopled streets
• If you feel threatened, try to attract attention or go into a shop, a pub, even knock on a door using the premise that you’re looking for someone who you thought lived at the address.
• If you think there is going to be trouble – get out. Think about how you might defend yourself if you had to – screaming, shouting, and/or running. (If available, self-defence courses are excellent for teaching you disabling tactics)
• If you can, carry a whistle or attack alarm and use it. Scream for help, bang on doors or flag down passing cars. But try not to look totally mad or they’re likely to ignore you
• If you see someone being attacked, try to help without putting yourself in danger. If you can’t help yourself – get help
• Always use a registered taxi firm that you can trust. Be wary of unregistered cabs and taxi touts. Agree the fare before you get in. Be cautious about travelling in a taxi alone. Consider sharing
• If you feel threatened on public transport, stand near the exit, change carriage or seek the company of others
• In an emergency always call Police

Cruising grounds

Here are our thoughts on cruising grounds:

• Cruising grounds can be dangerous places: know your exits. Tell a friend where you are going
• If you know someone else there, make contact: you can look out for each other
• Listening to music using headphones make you less aware of danger or attack
• Try not to carry valuables
• If you’ve met someone for the first time you may be tempted to take them home or go home with them. Beware of the risks. Get their phone number and suggest meeting another night
• Sexy though they may appear to be – stay clear of groups of straight men, particularly if they’re loud or drunk
• Be wary of accepting lifts from strangers. If you are with a group of friends but do not know the driver, you should be cautious about being the last person to be dropped off. Hitch hiking can be dangerous. Try not to hitch alone although this may make getting lifts more difficult.
• Some guys have a 2nd phone (left at home) to which they send themselves messages with a quick description of the plan before running off with a complete stranger. Doing this in front of a potential shag also lets them know you are connected. Over the top (OTT) perhaps but it depends on how you value your personal safety (especially if you are not out).

Meeting guys safety check

When meeting a guy for the first time:

• Tell a friend what you’re doing and where you’re going
• Arrange to meet in a public place
• Consider asking a friend to phone you on your mobile after 20 minutes (just in case you need to make an escape)
• If you have any serious doubts: make an excuse and leave
• Don’t give out your address until you’re sure you want to continue seeing him

Sex venues

Sex venues are clubs and club nights, pubs, and some gay saunas where sex is permitted on the premises. These may also be known as dark rooms and play areas.

• You may wish to check out the busier times (or not) depending what you’re after; eg: weekends and bank holidays can be uncomfortably packed
• Some venues have strict dress codes and will refuse entry. Depending on what you wear (and whether you’re travelling in public) consider taking your gear with you and changing at the venue, or wearing cover up; eg: trackie bottoms over chaps
• If you’ve not been there before, it’s well worth checking what’s what before you get down to business. Many venues have Facebook pages that are useful reads.
• If you’re going with a friend, agree a check-in time and place and stick to it
• If you’ve had some great sex, think about having a break
• While it is a sex venue, don’t be afraid to talk to a guy if you think that there may be something more going on
• Don’t forget to take condoms and lube, and chewing gum

Our experience says:

• Don’t let sex venues become habitual and your only way to meet other men
• Sexual frisson or energy is just that – then it’s gone – so don’t expect anything else from a guy
• Take care of your valuables

Personal ads

Times may have moved on but guys still use them.

Whether you’re looking for friendship, a relationship or sex, contact or personal advertisements can deliver just about anything that appears in print. You’ll find them in magazines and newspapers, and the gay press includes more explicit ads.

It can be an exciting way to meet men and, in some cases, dispenses with the niceties (or otherwise) of cruising. For some, it provides opportunities to meet men who prefer not to use the scene or who don’t have easy access to pubs and clubs. Answering ads is relatively simple and most papers and magazines operate a similar process:

• Find an ad you like and reply in writing. Advertisers often want a photograph and preferably not from a photo-booth at 9am on a Monday morning when you’re hungover
• Put the letter in an envelope with its box/reference number clearly marked on the outside
• Post it to the advertiser care of the publication including a first class stamp (for each reply).
• Wait and hope!

If you’re placing an ad check out the costs and the terms and conditions first. Advertisements are usually charged by the word which is why they’re short and why a dictionary of abbreviations has evolved; eg: corporal punishment – CP, sadomasochism – SM, or defined by hanky codes.

If a guy is explicit about what he’s looking for sexually then it’s reasonable to assume he’s being honest. Some ads are prone to gross exaggeration and dick size can often stray into fantasy world. By all means have the fantasy but you may be disappointed. When it comes to writing your own ad, phrases like ‘genuine’, ‘seeks similar’ and ‘for good times, maybe more’ are fine but just scan through the ads and they appear with unerring regularity.

While phrases like ‘would like to meet a guy who’s DNA hasn’t fallen off the back of a lorry’ and ‘you’ve tried the best… now I’m the rest’ may not be your cup of tea – your eye does at least stop on the page. Think about what you’re going to say and try to be original.

ALA – All letters answered
ALAWP – All letters answered with photo
BND – Boy next door
CS – Clean shaven
CT/A – Can travel/accommodate
GL – Good looking
GSOH – Good sense of humour
NSc – Non scene
NSm – Non smoker
NTW – No time wasters
SA – Straight acting
SL – Straight looking
VGL – Very good looking
VWE – Very well endowed
WLTM – Would like to meet

Casual sex

Not everyone feels the need for a relationship. There are times in our lives when we‘re ready to settle down, other times when we prefer to play the field or be alone. Gay men may not have invented the one-night stand, but we have certainly turned it into an art form and, for many of us, it’s how many friendships or relationships start. The unique sexual experience which comes with each new encounter also gives us an opportunity to develop our techniques and experiment with new practices.

Take your sex drive for a spin

Casual sex is not restricted to bedrooms or clubs. It can happen just about anywhere and sometimes when you’re not expecting it. It can also involve more than one person (hopefully). Casual sex should be about taking your sex drive out for a spin and having fun – without feeling guilty or feeling as if you’re settling for second best. It’s important to see casual sex for what it is. It should not be a substitute for that ever elusive relationship, although it’s understandable that finding a boyfriend can mean having sex with several – perhaps many – men along the way.

Peaks and troughs

While multiple partners can mean more experience, more confidence and more sexual satisfaction – it can also mean the reverse. Occasionally, a string of disappointing one-night stands can lead to a decrease in confidence and, over weeks or months, it can feel as if you’re never going to find anyone again. All of us experience this and it’s perfectly natural to have peaks and troughs. However, if you start to feel lonely or desperate or if you find yourself pining at two o’clock in the morning, its time to take a fresh look at your plan to get a man.

Fear of closeness

Casual sex over months or years may indicate a fear of closeness or loss, anxiety about rejection, or some other difficulty. It may help to talk about it with your friends or, if that’s not possible (or uncomfortable), to seek professional help.

Fuck buddies

Fuck buddies are guys with whom we have sex on a regular basis without the complexities of a relationship. You might have met through the scene, the internet or a personal ad, but the pleasure you get is a sexual quid pro quo and an explicit understanding that you can stop seeing each other without anyone getting hurt.

Fuck buddies only work if you are both clear and honest about this arrangement. You can phone each other up, meet when it’s convenient, but know intuitively that you are unlikely to become boyfriends.

You can experiment, swap roles, practice technique or just fuck each other’s brains out because you both just love it – not each other. If this presents a problem then it’s possible you’re actually looking for a boyfriend. Sometimes it happens, but if you develop feelings – let him know. He may not be interested, or he may be thinking the same, but the arrangement has changed and you owe it to each other to be honest.

Etiquette

Over the years, unspoken rules of etiquette have evolved to help make sure we get the best of the encounter – even if there’s no plan or arrangement to see each other again.

• Guys may have different interests to you, and if you’re into one thing sexually, make this clear beforehand. Deciding ahead of time what you are going to do sexually can seem tacky (or be a turn-off) but it’s nothing compared to the disappointment you may both feel when you discover you’re not sexually compatible.
• If you’re taking a guy back there’s usually an assumption on his part that it’s okay to stay the night. If he can’t stay the night – tell him in advance. If you’re going back but can’t stay, sort this out before you get into the taxi. Also, make sure that you can get home. Always have cab money, and refuse invitations to the middle of nowhere.
• If you later discover that you don’t click or the sex doesn’t seem to be working out, or if you start to feel uncomfortable, make your excuses and leave. At this point you may regret having told him that you can stay over, but there’s no point in being over-polite if it’s quite clear that you’d rather be somewhere else. Sometimes casual encounters work – sometimes they don’t. Conversely, if you ask some body to leave, it’s not essential but it’s certainly a considerate gesture to make a contribution towards his fare home.
• Once you’ve got down to business, don’t roll over and fall asleep until you have both had an opportunity to cum unless one of you has said that he’s not going to.
• When you’ve done your stuff, it’s usual to go your separate ways. Do not feel obliged to exchange phone numbers. You’ve (hopefully) both got what you want and the ‘contract’ is finished. But does that stop us? No. More often than not we play that fucking ridiculous telephone numbers game!

Phone numbers

The days are almost gone when you could transpose the last two numbers of your phone number on a scrap of paper. Today’s technology almost obliges you to exchange personal information. If a guy offers you his number but you’re not going to use it: say so. The tone of your voice can be friendly but be just that. You should only offer him your number because you want to see him again and not because you’re trying to be polite and/ or let him down gently.

This becomes more difficult if you’ve swapped phones to enter each other’s details – often done in haste and quickly regretted. You may also want to consider whether you give your last name as it can be surprisingly easy to find/ track/ stalk someone on Facebook, Google+ and other social media.

The morning after

If it’s the morning after the night before and you don’t want to see him again, don’t hang around. Get dressed, say something casual like ‘see you around’ and leave before the ritual of exchanging phone numbers can start.

If he offers you his number and you’re not going to use it – be polite, but decline. Remember: it’s a casual encounter… you’re not married… there are no obligations. If you want to see someone again and you have a partner – be honest and tell him the score.
The bottom line is that many numbers are scrawled down in haste and never used again. It’s just what we do to tie up the end of an intimate sexual encounter with the harsh reality that you’ve both done the business and are now getting on with your lives.

Lessons learnt

Learning and understanding this stuff can be both slow and painful, particularly when you think you’ve met someone really special who then never calls. The pit opens up and you start wondering if you should call… If you shagged on Saturday and it’s now Monday, do you call on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday? How long do you give him, two, three or four days? You feel wretched and vow never to feel like this again. BTW: Luke’s motto (one of the MEN R US team) is “48hrs or bust!”

Maybe he didn’t call you because he’s gone home to the boyfriend he didn’t tell you about, he’s met someone else, he’s afraid of getting too close or he’s just an arsehole. Maybe he likes you but not enough.

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