Everything You Need to Know Before Your First Gay Sex Party
Whether you're a newbie or a seasoned pro, brush up on your sex party etiquette here
1. If it’s your first time, go with a friend
The buddy system works at sex parties, too. Friends make orgies better. Whether you’re going to a private party in someone's condo or an industrial sex dungeon with a coat check and pricey admittance fee, you’re probably going to be a little nervous and feel a little overwhelmed. Go with a friend — preferably one with benefits — and you’ll have a familiar face nearby in case you need one.
2. Wear tall socks
Tall socks (the fetish wear brand Nasty Pig sells a good collection) make for a perfect place to stash your ID, credit card, cash, lube, and other essentials when you shed the rest of your clothes. This rule of thumb really only applies to official venues — circuit parties, sex clubs, and so on — where you may be naked but keep your shoes and socks on. If you’re at a bathhouse or a private party, you should probably lose your shoes and socks, too.
3. Know if the sex party is happening at a venue or private residence
Location makes a huge difference. Public venues (warehouses, sex clubs, bathhouses, et al.) may require a ticket or charge an admittance fee. House or apartment parties in private residences are usually free, but not always — larger ones may require a fee or have a suggested donation.
Sex parties in private residences are, well, private, and usually smaller, so the expectations of attendees are different. They may be invite-only, or you may need to “know a guy,” and there will sometimes be a host who you need to thank. You may be expected to play with everyone there, or at least not be obvious as to who you’re less interested in. Parties like these can be more personal than those at a public venue, but that comes with its own benefits and drawbacks, too.
On the other hand, there are virtually no expectations of attendees in public spaces or sex clubs. You can do what you want. You can watch, participate, play in a group, or tuck away to a semi-private space (if such spaces are available) for more one-on-one action.
That said, some private sex parties are massive, because some private residences are massive, with hundreds of attendees. While they may still be invite-only (or you may need to be on some sort of mailing list), the expectation to play with everyone doesn’t exist at these. You’re not superhuman.
4. Know as much as you can about the sex party before you go
Many sex parties require a specific dress code — jockstrap or nude only, for example. Others are gear-focused and require you to wear certain attire. Many are male-only, but some are mixed.
Some parties ask you to hide your features with a hood or mask. Some may feature drug use; others are exclusively sober. Many parties at public venues will prohibit the use of drugs, so if you’re curious about group sex or sex parties but wish to avoid drugs, your local bathhouse may be the best first step. Some parties are condom-friendly; others are bareback-only. Know what kind of party or venue you’re going to so you can be prepared to make choices within your comfort levels once you’re there.
5. Bring your own lube, condoms, and other essentials
Even if the host says lube or condoms (or whatever you need) will be available, it’s always best to bring your own. Don’t bring the largest, most expensive bottle of lube you own, in case it gets lost, left behind, or worse — shared. I’ve watched with frustration as my silky premium silicone lube got depleted and passed around by greedy party-goers. I’m too polite to ask them to stop. Don’t make my same mistake.
6. If you use poppers, bring your own
“Poppers” are small amber bottles filled with nitrates that, when inhaled, create a fleeting, “head rush” high. They exist on the grey market in America — they can’t be sold as a drug, but they can be sold under thinly-veiled alternative purposes, like “VHS cleaner.” They’re widely used during gay sex and at gay sex parties, one reason being because they relax smooth muscle tissue in the anus, making penetration easier.
While they’re not addictive, and they’re a relatively low-risk drug, they do come with potential side effects (certain kinds can damage your eyes, and if you have heart problems or conditions related to blood pressure, they can be dangerous). If you’re using Viagra, Cialis or another drug for erectile dysfunction, you should never do poppers, because the combination can lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.
Poppers are widely, recreationally used at gay sex parties (and anywhere gay men are gathered). Even if you don’t use them, they will be present at the next sex party you attend — unless, of course, you’re attending an explicitly sober sex party. If you like to use poppers, bring your own bottle, so that you know exactly what’s in them.
7. Never assume the condom policy
If you go to a bareback sex party and pull out condoms, you might be asked to leave. If the party is condom-only and you show up ready to play bare, you may also be asked to leave.
If you go to a sex venue, you’re usually free to do whatever you choose, although certain sex parties at certain venues cater exclusively to an all-bareback clientele. If it’s a private house party, find out beforehand what the condom policy is — never assume.
Some venues are required by state law to provide condoms and make them visible to visitors. Some even have signs saying you “must” use them. You can decide how seriously you want to treat these signs, but in either case, show up prepared.
8. If you’re bottoming and want to douche, prepare beforehand
Never assume there will be someplace for you to clean out at a sex party — while many make this an option, many more don’t. And while you don’t have to douche to bottom, if you feel like you need to, you should prepare beforehand.
I always try to be extra prepared if I’m going to a group sex party — regardless if it’s at a venue, bathhouse, or private home. I clean once, wait (up to an hour sometimes), and clean again. By this point I’ve also usually stopped eating for half a day or more. Remember that it can take more than a day for your body to process food and produce a bowel movement. These aren’t necessary steps for everyone, and not everyone douches — especially if you eat a high fiber diet — but if you do douche, douche before.
9. Don’t feel defeated if you’re not clean. There’s always another sex party
Easier said than done, right? There are few things in life more frustrating than preparing for an awesome party, arriving, seeing the sexy crowd, and realizing you’re not good to go. I know how crushing that can feel in the moment, but don’t let it ruin your weekend. There’s always another sex party. There’s probably another one happening somewhere right now.
If you’re not willing to top (it will be appreciated by bottoms present), enjoy oral sex, or simply watch and get off, go home and watch Netflix or cuddle with a friend and try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone — pros and novices alike. Every single man who has sex with men has been in that situation.
10. If it’s a private party, don’t ask about other attendees
This is an amateur move; a good sex party host never reveals other invitees/attendees. The unspoken agreement you make when you arrive at most sex parties is one of complicity and anonymity. You’re there to have sex. Everyone else is, too. You're in the same boat — equally implicated with everyone else in attendance.
11. Wear simple clothing
My advice is to wear old clothes and go minimal. I wear gym shorts, jockstrap, socks, shoes, and a t-shirt. That’s it. Don’t wear your sexy clothes or your nice clothes, since no one will see them. Wear clothes you don’t mind stuffing into a locker that hasn’t been cleaned since the last person who used it, or clothes you wouldn’t mind getting soiled or stained.
12. Respect the dress code, if there is one
If the party has a fetish gear dress code, you must wear fetish gear. A jockstrap and shoes likely won’t cut it. A jockstrap and harness might not even be enough. A true gear party will have doormen to evaluate if you’re wearing adequate attire, and they will turn you away if you’re not.
Also, if the party says “jockstrap or naked only,” yes, you will have to strip down to your jockstrap, if you’re wearing one, or go naked. I get irritated when I’m in a sex venue where everyone is naked or mostly-naked and one person is walking around fully dressed — many others do, too.
13. Bring cash
The coat/bag check will likely be cash-only. Most venues have coat/bag checks — or they’ll have lockers, which may or may not require cash to rent. This rule only applies to venues, although some hosts of private parties do provide space to put your stuff — something you should thank them for.
Keep in mind that many venues are entirely cash-only — including the membership fee, if there is one, and the fee to get in. Don’t assume an ATM will be present. Get cash ahead of time.
14. Never bring your phone into the sex party
Some venues will require you to check your phone at the door. If you’re not having a good time, simply leave. Let everyone keep playing and step outside; get in your car, hop on the subway, call an Uber, and arrange plans somewhere else. Or go home. Don’t stay on your phone when people are in your vicinity and ready to play.
15. You may have to purchase a membership
If it’s a bathhouse or sex club, you may have to purchase a club membership the first time you go. There are a variety of reasons why venues require this, but mostly it’s because some state laws outlaw sex clubs but allow “private clubs,” so by requiring attendees to purchase memberships, they meet the criteria of the latter. Some even give you a membership card, which you should hold on to if you plan on coming back.
www.them.us/story/gay-sex-party-guide-1
1. If it’s your first time, go with a friend
The buddy system works at sex parties, too. Friends make orgies better. Whether you’re going to a private party in someone's condo or an industrial sex dungeon with a coat check and pricey admittance fee, you’re probably going to be a little nervous and feel a little overwhelmed. Go with a friend — preferably one with benefits — and you’ll have a familiar face nearby in case you need one.
2. Wear tall socks
Tall socks (the fetish wear brand Nasty Pig sells a good collection) make for a perfect place to stash your ID, credit card, cash, lube, and other essentials when you shed the rest of your clothes. This rule of thumb really only applies to official venues — circuit parties, sex clubs, and so on — where you may be naked but keep your shoes and socks on. If you’re at a bathhouse or a private party, you should probably lose your shoes and socks, too.
3. Know if the sex party is happening at a venue or private residence
Location makes a huge difference. Public venues (warehouses, sex clubs, bathhouses, et al.) may require a ticket or charge an admittance fee. House or apartment parties in private residences are usually free, but not always — larger ones may require a fee or have a suggested donation.
Sex parties in private residences are, well, private, and usually smaller, so the expectations of attendees are different. They may be invite-only, or you may need to “know a guy,” and there will sometimes be a host who you need to thank. You may be expected to play with everyone there, or at least not be obvious as to who you’re less interested in. Parties like these can be more personal than those at a public venue, but that comes with its own benefits and drawbacks, too.
On the other hand, there are virtually no expectations of attendees in public spaces or sex clubs. You can do what you want. You can watch, participate, play in a group, or tuck away to a semi-private space (if such spaces are available) for more one-on-one action.
That said, some private sex parties are massive, because some private residences are massive, with hundreds of attendees. While they may still be invite-only (or you may need to be on some sort of mailing list), the expectation to play with everyone doesn’t exist at these. You’re not superhuman.
4. Know as much as you can about the sex party before you go
Many sex parties require a specific dress code — jockstrap or nude only, for example. Others are gear-focused and require you to wear certain attire. Many are male-only, but some are mixed.
Some parties ask you to hide your features with a hood or mask. Some may feature drug use; others are exclusively sober. Many parties at public venues will prohibit the use of drugs, so if you’re curious about group sex or sex parties but wish to avoid drugs, your local bathhouse may be the best first step. Some parties are condom-friendly; others are bareback-only. Know what kind of party or venue you’re going to so you can be prepared to make choices within your comfort levels once you’re there.
5. Bring your own lube, condoms, and other essentials
Even if the host says lube or condoms (or whatever you need) will be available, it’s always best to bring your own. Don’t bring the largest, most expensive bottle of lube you own, in case it gets lost, left behind, or worse — shared. I’ve watched with frustration as my silky premium silicone lube got depleted and passed around by greedy party-goers. I’m too polite to ask them to stop. Don’t make my same mistake.
6. If you use poppers, bring your own
“Poppers” are small amber bottles filled with nitrates that, when inhaled, create a fleeting, “head rush” high. They exist on the grey market in America — they can’t be sold as a drug, but they can be sold under thinly-veiled alternative purposes, like “VHS cleaner.” They’re widely used during gay sex and at gay sex parties, one reason being because they relax smooth muscle tissue in the anus, making penetration easier.
While they’re not addictive, and they’re a relatively low-risk drug, they do come with potential side effects (certain kinds can damage your eyes, and if you have heart problems or conditions related to blood pressure, they can be dangerous). If you’re using Viagra, Cialis or another drug for erectile dysfunction, you should never do poppers, because the combination can lead to an unsafe drop in blood pressure.
Poppers are widely, recreationally used at gay sex parties (and anywhere gay men are gathered). Even if you don’t use them, they will be present at the next sex party you attend — unless, of course, you’re attending an explicitly sober sex party. If you like to use poppers, bring your own bottle, so that you know exactly what’s in them.
7. Never assume the condom policy
If you go to a bareback sex party and pull out condoms, you might be asked to leave. If the party is condom-only and you show up ready to play bare, you may also be asked to leave.
If you go to a sex venue, you’re usually free to do whatever you choose, although certain sex parties at certain venues cater exclusively to an all-bareback clientele. If it’s a private house party, find out beforehand what the condom policy is — never assume.
Some venues are required by state law to provide condoms and make them visible to visitors. Some even have signs saying you “must” use them. You can decide how seriously you want to treat these signs, but in either case, show up prepared.
8. If you’re bottoming and want to douche, prepare beforehand
Never assume there will be someplace for you to clean out at a sex party — while many make this an option, many more don’t. And while you don’t have to douche to bottom, if you feel like you need to, you should prepare beforehand.
I always try to be extra prepared if I’m going to a group sex party — regardless if it’s at a venue, bathhouse, or private home. I clean once, wait (up to an hour sometimes), and clean again. By this point I’ve also usually stopped eating for half a day or more. Remember that it can take more than a day for your body to process food and produce a bowel movement. These aren’t necessary steps for everyone, and not everyone douches — especially if you eat a high fiber diet — but if you do douche, douche before.
9. Don’t feel defeated if you’re not clean. There’s always another sex party
Easier said than done, right? There are few things in life more frustrating than preparing for an awesome party, arriving, seeing the sexy crowd, and realizing you’re not good to go. I know how crushing that can feel in the moment, but don’t let it ruin your weekend. There’s always another sex party. There’s probably another one happening somewhere right now.
If you’re not willing to top (it will be appreciated by bottoms present), enjoy oral sex, or simply watch and get off, go home and watch Netflix or cuddle with a friend and try not to beat yourself up. It happens to everyone — pros and novices alike. Every single man who has sex with men has been in that situation.
10. If it’s a private party, don’t ask about other attendees
This is an amateur move; a good sex party host never reveals other invitees/attendees. The unspoken agreement you make when you arrive at most sex parties is one of complicity and anonymity. You’re there to have sex. Everyone else is, too. You're in the same boat — equally implicated with everyone else in attendance.
11. Wear simple clothing
My advice is to wear old clothes and go minimal. I wear gym shorts, jockstrap, socks, shoes, and a t-shirt. That’s it. Don’t wear your sexy clothes or your nice clothes, since no one will see them. Wear clothes you don’t mind stuffing into a locker that hasn’t been cleaned since the last person who used it, or clothes you wouldn’t mind getting soiled or stained.
12. Respect the dress code, if there is one
If the party has a fetish gear dress code, you must wear fetish gear. A jockstrap and shoes likely won’t cut it. A jockstrap and harness might not even be enough. A true gear party will have doormen to evaluate if you’re wearing adequate attire, and they will turn you away if you’re not.
Also, if the party says “jockstrap or naked only,” yes, you will have to strip down to your jockstrap, if you’re wearing one, or go naked. I get irritated when I’m in a sex venue where everyone is naked or mostly-naked and one person is walking around fully dressed — many others do, too.
13. Bring cash
The coat/bag check will likely be cash-only. Most venues have coat/bag checks — or they’ll have lockers, which may or may not require cash to rent. This rule only applies to venues, although some hosts of private parties do provide space to put your stuff — something you should thank them for.
Keep in mind that many venues are entirely cash-only — including the membership fee, if there is one, and the fee to get in. Don’t assume an ATM will be present. Get cash ahead of time.
14. Never bring your phone into the sex party
Some venues will require you to check your phone at the door. If you’re not having a good time, simply leave. Let everyone keep playing and step outside; get in your car, hop on the subway, call an Uber, and arrange plans somewhere else. Or go home. Don’t stay on your phone when people are in your vicinity and ready to play.
15. You may have to purchase a membership
If it’s a bathhouse or sex club, you may have to purchase a club membership the first time you go. There are a variety of reasons why venues require this, but mostly it’s because some state laws outlaw sex clubs but allow “private clubs,” so by requiring attendees to purchase memberships, they meet the criteria of the latter. Some even give you a membership card, which you should hold on to if you plan on coming back.
www.them.us/story/gay-sex-party-guide-1
Consensual Kink 101: The Difference Between BDSM and Abuse
"There’s a very big difference between kink and abuse, and being kinky doesn’t obligate you to do anything you don’t want to do."
If you’re new to kink — or completely unfamiliar with it — these kinds of assertions can make exploring non-vanilla sex feel much more confusing. Does being kinky mean that you’re automatically agreeing to being slapped, choked, or called names you don’t like? If you start exploring BDSM, do you have to go along with everything your partner tells you to do?
Queer kinksters can feel particularly vulnerable, especially if they’re not out about their identities. It’s hard enough to come forward about abuse when you’re a straight, cis person who has vanilla sex. Being queer and/or trans and kinky in a world that sees those identities as incompatible with what a “real” abuse victim looks like can make things even more difficult.
But there’s a very big difference between kink and abuse, and being kinky doesn’t obligate you to do anything you don’t want to do. Exploring kink and BDSM doesn’t mean foregoing consent entirely — consent is crucial in any and all sexual activity. If you’re thinking of getting into kink, here are a few tips to help you stay safe.
What is kink?
In many people’s minds, kink is a very specific sexual practice — one that involves handcuffs, whips, and one person ordering their partner around. But even though consensual power exchange and rough sex are part of many people’s kink experiences, they’re not the sum total of kink. You can be super kinky and never go anywhere near a flogger or call someone Master — and kinky people aren’t required to wear leather or dress in all black.
According to Kinkly, kink is best thought of as “an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional or unorthodox.” What counts as “kinky” depends a lot on what your community defines as “normal.” In heteronormative spaces, crossdressing and playing with gender roles is often considered to be kinky, but that doesn’t mean that every nonbinary, trans, or gender-nonconforming person considers themselves a kinkster. And as this comic about an asexual person attending a play party makes clear, sometimes kink can be very soft, sweet, and innocent. Kink can be whatever you want it to be, and being kinky doesn’t obligate you to have sex or explore your desires in any particular way.
What is consensual kink?
At its most basic level, “consensual kink” is just like any other kind of consensual sex: It’s an experience that everyone is on board with, happy about, and enjoying the entire time. But because kink can involve power exchange, role-play, and even exploring painful, difficult sensations, a consensual kink experience can look very different from how we envision consensual vanilla sex.
Kinky people navigate this tricky territory by having extensive conversations about boundaries well before any play starts to take place. That might take the form of a yes/no/maybe list, where partners let each other know what kinds of activities they are and aren’t into, or it might include explicit instructions about what kinds of sensations or dirty talk are acceptable: “I like having my nipples touched but not pinched,” or “You can call me Sir, but I don’t like being called Daddy.” When people are planning elaborate scenes and role-plays, it’s a good idea to outline how everyone expects the encounter to unfold.
Mainstream depictions of kink often make it look like the person guiding the scenario — referred to as a top or Dom(me) — is always in charge, with the bottom or sub waiving their right to say “no” or reject any orders. But that’s not how consensual kink works.
In order for a scene to be truly safe, the more vulnerable party always needs to be the one who sets boundaries and calls the shots. If someone is going to be submissive or at the receiving end of pain or sensation play, they get to say what is and isn’t acceptable, and establish what counts as going too far.
A pre-established “safe word” is also a good idea. In scenes where “no” or “stop” might be part of the role-play, a safe word — a mutually agreed upon designated word that takes the place of “no” or “stop” — gives a submissive a direct way to let their partner know they need to slow down or end a scene. Many people like to choose their own safe words, but one common set of safe words is inspired by traffic lights: Red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means everything is going fine. In scenes where a verbal safe word isn’t possible (for instance, because someone is gagged), partners will work out non-verbal safe words to ensure everyone’s boundaries are respected.
When does kink turn into abuse?
“Kink always allows for somebody to end it. It always gives someone the opportunity to say no, and the other person will always respect it,” says Kae Burdo, a Vermont-based alternative sexuality and relationship educator. If you use your safe word and your partner continues the scene, that is abusive. If your partner doesn’t allow you to set boundaries, or ignores your requests in pursuit of their own desires, that is also abuse.
And because of some of the particulars of kink, some things that might look totally okay from the outside can actually feel like abuse. Burdo notes that during a scene, people often go into “subspace,” a mindset Burdo says is equivalent to being drunk or high. When someone is in subspace, they’re often more susceptible to suggestion and less likely to make rational decisions about their own safety and wellbeing — which means they’re not capable of renegotiating boundaries or giving consent to something new. Changing the terms of a scene while someone is in that headspace might not seem like that big a deal, but it can easily change a consensual, fun experience into one that feels violating and upsetting after the fact.
Kink can be thrilling, terrifying, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes incredibly overwhelming. But it should always be consensual, and everyone participating in a kink experience should always feel respected, supported, and like their boundaries are inviolable. Without that respect, it’s not kink, it’s abuse. And being kinky does not make abuse okay.
www.them.us/story/kink-101-bdsm-and-consent
If you’re new to kink — or completely unfamiliar with it — these kinds of assertions can make exploring non-vanilla sex feel much more confusing. Does being kinky mean that you’re automatically agreeing to being slapped, choked, or called names you don’t like? If you start exploring BDSM, do you have to go along with everything your partner tells you to do?
Queer kinksters can feel particularly vulnerable, especially if they’re not out about their identities. It’s hard enough to come forward about abuse when you’re a straight, cis person who has vanilla sex. Being queer and/or trans and kinky in a world that sees those identities as incompatible with what a “real” abuse victim looks like can make things even more difficult.
But there’s a very big difference between kink and abuse, and being kinky doesn’t obligate you to do anything you don’t want to do. Exploring kink and BDSM doesn’t mean foregoing consent entirely — consent is crucial in any and all sexual activity. If you’re thinking of getting into kink, here are a few tips to help you stay safe.
What is kink?
In many people’s minds, kink is a very specific sexual practice — one that involves handcuffs, whips, and one person ordering their partner around. But even though consensual power exchange and rough sex are part of many people’s kink experiences, they’re not the sum total of kink. You can be super kinky and never go anywhere near a flogger or call someone Master — and kinky people aren’t required to wear leather or dress in all black.
According to Kinkly, kink is best thought of as “an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional or unorthodox.” What counts as “kinky” depends a lot on what your community defines as “normal.” In heteronormative spaces, crossdressing and playing with gender roles is often considered to be kinky, but that doesn’t mean that every nonbinary, trans, or gender-nonconforming person considers themselves a kinkster. And as this comic about an asexual person attending a play party makes clear, sometimes kink can be very soft, sweet, and innocent. Kink can be whatever you want it to be, and being kinky doesn’t obligate you to have sex or explore your desires in any particular way.
What is consensual kink?
At its most basic level, “consensual kink” is just like any other kind of consensual sex: It’s an experience that everyone is on board with, happy about, and enjoying the entire time. But because kink can involve power exchange, role-play, and even exploring painful, difficult sensations, a consensual kink experience can look very different from how we envision consensual vanilla sex.
Kinky people navigate this tricky territory by having extensive conversations about boundaries well before any play starts to take place. That might take the form of a yes/no/maybe list, where partners let each other know what kinds of activities they are and aren’t into, or it might include explicit instructions about what kinds of sensations or dirty talk are acceptable: “I like having my nipples touched but not pinched,” or “You can call me Sir, but I don’t like being called Daddy.” When people are planning elaborate scenes and role-plays, it’s a good idea to outline how everyone expects the encounter to unfold.
Mainstream depictions of kink often make it look like the person guiding the scenario — referred to as a top or Dom(me) — is always in charge, with the bottom or sub waiving their right to say “no” or reject any orders. But that’s not how consensual kink works.
In order for a scene to be truly safe, the more vulnerable party always needs to be the one who sets boundaries and calls the shots. If someone is going to be submissive or at the receiving end of pain or sensation play, they get to say what is and isn’t acceptable, and establish what counts as going too far.
A pre-established “safe word” is also a good idea. In scenes where “no” or “stop” might be part of the role-play, a safe word — a mutually agreed upon designated word that takes the place of “no” or “stop” — gives a submissive a direct way to let their partner know they need to slow down or end a scene. Many people like to choose their own safe words, but one common set of safe words is inspired by traffic lights: Red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means everything is going fine. In scenes where a verbal safe word isn’t possible (for instance, because someone is gagged), partners will work out non-verbal safe words to ensure everyone’s boundaries are respected.
When does kink turn into abuse?
“Kink always allows for somebody to end it. It always gives someone the opportunity to say no, and the other person will always respect it,” says Kae Burdo, a Vermont-based alternative sexuality and relationship educator. If you use your safe word and your partner continues the scene, that is abusive. If your partner doesn’t allow you to set boundaries, or ignores your requests in pursuit of their own desires, that is also abuse.
And because of some of the particulars of kink, some things that might look totally okay from the outside can actually feel like abuse. Burdo notes that during a scene, people often go into “subspace,” a mindset Burdo says is equivalent to being drunk or high. When someone is in subspace, they’re often more susceptible to suggestion and less likely to make rational decisions about their own safety and wellbeing — which means they’re not capable of renegotiating boundaries or giving consent to something new. Changing the terms of a scene while someone is in that headspace might not seem like that big a deal, but it can easily change a consensual, fun experience into one that feels violating and upsetting after the fact.
Kink can be thrilling, terrifying, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes incredibly overwhelming. But it should always be consensual, and everyone participating in a kink experience should always feel respected, supported, and like their boundaries are inviolable. Without that respect, it’s not kink, it’s abuse. And being kinky does not make abuse okay.
www.them.us/story/kink-101-bdsm-and-consent
How Do I Know if I’m a Bottom? Part I / Part II
How Do I Know if I’m a Bottom? Part I
Bottoming 101: Navigating shame, fear, curiosity, and — of course — pleasureMy first sexual experience happened in a hotel room while other guys in my church youth group slept. He touched me. I touched him. We were trembling. In that moment, “bottoming” wasn’t a concept that I understood in any appreciable way. Years later, I would learn my sexual vocabulary — words that divided my desire into roles like “top,” “versatile,” and “bottom.” With these roles came skills to develop, stereotypes to navigate, misconceptions to address, and a surprising amount of cultural shame.
Getting better at bottoming required me to see through all that, and trust my experience. In my mind, I continuously returned to that first experience. It felt right because it was right. It was the opposite of shame — it was my body doing what it needed to do.
Today, bottoming is an awesome part of my life. I’m proud of the sex I have and enjoy helping others discover what they love — no shame allowed. If you want to try bottoming, here are five pointers to get you started, with more to come in part two.
How do I know if I am a bottom?
What does being a “bottom” mean to you? Well, first of all, you don’t have to “be” anything. You don’t have to make something you enjoy sexually part of your identity.
I love bottoming and want people I’m sexually interested in to know that. Calling myself a bottom has pros and cons. On one hand, I have an easier time finding tops — guys who enjoy taking the active role in sex. On the other hand, putting myself in a box is frustrating when I want to top. (In my experience, most people are versatile in the right situation, or with the right person — I am.)
These labels make finding sex partners easier. That’s all they do. They don’t define an essential part of you unless you want them to. Before hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff established these words as standard sex vocabulary, queer men used discreet street coding — colored hankies, certain types of clothing — to discreetly tell each other what kind of sex they were looking for and which role (top or bottom, dominant or submissive) they wanted to take.
These words help sex happen. They are not cages you have to live your life in.
How do I know if I will enjoy bottoming?
Bottoming is usually not extremely fun on its first attempts. For many, bottoming is uncomfortable in the beginning. All sex is awkward when you don’t know what you’re doing.
But don’t give up. With practice comes pleasure. Once you get the hang of it, bottoming feels great.
Is bottoming safe?
Anal sex has just as much risk as vaginal sex for unwanted sexually transmitted infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, and since HIV is more common among certain populations (transgender women of color and men who have sex with men), anal sex poses a higher risk of HIV transmission for these people.
I’m a man who has sex with men, including trans men, and I see transgender women and queer people of color as essential members of my LGBTQ+ family. I am also HIV-positive. In cultural discourse, HIV is widely associated with my community — so much so that many beginners who want to try bottoming refrain from doing so because they think it’s an extremely dangerous, high-risk activity.
That’s not true. All sex — bottoming, topping, sucking, handjobs — involves risk. Learning about those risks and taking the necessary steps to minimize them (protecting yourself and playing smartly) gives you the freedom to enjoy bottoming without fear.
I discuss these risks and how to protect yourself in part two of this guide.
Can two bottoms be in a relationship?
Yes they can. My boyfriend leans bottom, and so do I. I love fucking him, and he loves fucking me, but sometimes (often) we both prefer to get fucked — and we do, by other guys.
The concept of non-monogamy might not be something you’re ready to think about right now, but at some point you will discover an awesome part of gay male culture: We are masters of nontraditional, non-monogamous, polyamorous, and “open” relationships.
We were trailblazers in the “free love” movement, and have a long history of enjoying long-term, successful relationships between guys who both “play for the same team.” If you connect with someone, don’t immediately assume that your perceived sexual “incompatibility” is a deal-breaker. Talk about it. Try to make it work.
Why do I feel ashamed of bottoming?
You’ve probably been told bottoming makes you “the girl,” or makes you “more gay.” We live in a misogynistic, patriarchal culture in which feminized men often get shamed, and men getting fucked is seen by many as the ultimate act of feminization.
Maybe you’re still dealing with some self-acceptance issues, and the concept of being “more gay” is uncomfortable, because you don’t want to be “more gay.” You may not even want to “be gay” at all.
First things first: there is nothing wrong with being feminine. There’s also nothing wrong with being gay. Even if you don’t believe that now, give it time, and spend as much time as you can among your people — other LGBTQ+ folks. We will help you.
What you enjoy sexually says nothing about your social importance, your power, your masculinity, your femininity, your gender identity, your attractiveness, your desirability, or your “worth.” It’s just sex. Enjoy it. Do what feels good.
www.them.us/story/guide-to-bottoming-part-1
How Do I Bottom? Part II
Before I discovered porn, I thought bottoming was impossible — a myth that guys on my Varsity football team used to tease each other about, but one I didn’t actually believe. A penis can’t really go in a butt, right? Then I found a video. I watched it slide in, move in and out — fucking — and saw that full, terrifyingly painful stroke, tip to balls, in a man’s ass for the first time. That moment sealed the truth: Bottoming was real, and I had no clue how to do it.That brings me to my my first piece of advice for anyone looking to bottom: Do not compare your experience to porn. When my first sex attempts didn’t happen like porn, I assumed I was doing something wrong. Your first experience won’t be like porn. Your second experience won’t be, either. In fact, most of your sex life won’t resemble porn — because porn isn’t reality. Porn creates an impossible fantasy, one that porn stars themselves can’t do in real life. I’ve worked on professional porn sets and can assure you: All the messes, failures, half-starts, and struggles happen in porn, too. They just get edited out.
In part one of this guide to bottoming, I explored fundamental questions surrounding the act — “Am I a bottom?” — along with how to mentally and emotionally prepare for receptive anal sex. Now I’ll talk about what you need to do to prepare physically — the mechanics, safety tips, and ass care information you need to know.
How do I prepare to bottom?
Many people douche before bottoming, meaning they use water to clean the lower part of their rectum — the space in your butt just inside your hole — to flush out any poop before sex. An easy way to do this is to buy an enema. A disposable one purchased at a drugstore or pharmacy will do the trick (don’t forget that many are filled with laxatives, which you must empty and replace with water before using), or a larger squeeze bulb with a plastic or silicone nozzle, purchased from a sex novelty shop or online.
As your skill develops, your douching regimen will probably change. You’ll discover what kind of douche you want to use, learn different cleaning methods, or find that you don’t really need (or want) to douche at all. Many people don’t, and you don’t always need to douche to have an enjoyable experience bottoming.
What you eat plays a major role in how “clean” your butt can be. If you eat a high-fiber, veggie-heavy diet and avoid excessive red meat, your poop will be less messy and more “together,” meaning the douching process will be minimal — which is what you want. Some people with careful diets skip the douching process altogether and are naturally “ready to go” (vegetarians and vegans especially). Incorporating a fiber supplement like Metamucil into your diet can help. Most people do not consume enough fiber, which is vital to your overall gastrointestinal health (and makes anal sex easier and less messy — double win!).
When you’re new to douching, go slow. Lube up the tip of your enema with a body-safe lubricant (I recommend silicone-based lube), and slowly insert the nozzle into your hole. Gently squeeze the bulb and slowly fill your butt with water. Note: You don’t need to squirt a huge amount of water up there, at least not when you’re a beginner. More advanced forms of sex require more extensive cleaning regimens, which do require more water, but that’s not for beginners. When you’re starting off, there’s no need to empty the bulb. You don’t need much.
Some safety tips: Go slow! Also, don’t stick the nozzle all the way in — there’s no need to, and you can hurt yourself if you’re not gentle enough. And make sure you try to release all the water into the toilet when you’re done — water left in your butt can cause discomfort later on.
Don’t freak out if you can’t get totally clean. Anal sex always involves some likelihood that you’ll encounter poop. Yes, you can get pretty clean, but cleaning out is not a requirement for bottoming. Many people, including some medical professionals, recommend skipping douching in the first place, washing your butt with soap and water, putting a towel down, and simply cleaning up any mess after. No matter what you choose to do, you cannot completely control your body. Just enjoy it.
What happens if I’m not clean?
Then you’re not clean. Don’t panic. Don’t call yourself — or your sex — a “failure.” You will have many sexual experiences in your life where you'll think you're clean until your body has other plans. It’s not a failure. Your body is simply doing what it does.
You can clean and clean for hours and still not be totally “clean.” But you shouldn’t clean for hours and hours in the first place. Flushing your butt can disrupt and dry out the good bacteria in your colon that you need to process waste, so cleaning for too long isn’t healthy. You also shouldn’t douche every day for this reason. Remember: You can’t control your body.
The only thing you can control is what you eat, and eating a healthy diet that’s high in fiber and low in red meat will make your cleaning process much easier.
Does bottoming hurt?
It might on your first attempt. Bottoming is rarely a delightful experience in the beginning, because you don’t know what you’re doing. Why does it hurt? Because the anal walls have to expand to accommodate a penis, dildo, or other object, and that can be painful — especially when you’re new to the sensation. But don’t worry; once you get better at it, it feels great.
No sex is perfect when you’re a beginner. That’s why you need practice. Also, there are ways you can train your butt muscles to relax, stretch, and make the experience easier (see the last question of this guide).
Some people recommend taking a deep breath when your sexual partner first enters you. Others recommend “pushing out” while someone is fucking you. While these classic first-timer techniques to minimize pain have certainly helped many folks relax, they’re not the first ones I recommend.
I’ve trained several first-timers for bottoming (as well as for more extreme forms of anal sex play), and here’s my best suggestion: While your sexual partner gently slides a finger in, take ten deep breaths, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. “Squeeze” their finger with your butt, hold the squeeze for a few seconds, and then relax. Repeat this a few times while you mentally “check in” with the body. In your mind, start with the top of your head and slowly relax your muscles, “scanning” down your spine, down your legs, and ending at your hole. Close your eyes and picture your butt, and picture it opening, expanding like a circle. Keep “gripping” and releasing their finger until you’re ready for them to add another finger. Work up to two fingers, then three, until you feel comfortable gripping them — in control, powerful, flexing your butt muscle.
Tell them when you’re ready to try their dick, dildo, or any other sex toy in your arsenal. Breathe slowly and lead. You’re in control. You tell your partner when to move, when to go forward, when to stop, when to move again. Just as you did with their fingers: Grip, release. Grip, release. Breathe deeply and slowly, and guide them into you.
How do I protect myself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections?
Micro-tears in the anus happen pretty easily when you have anal sex. The walls of the rectum (the inside of your butt) are delicate. If you’re new to bottoming and haven’t trained your butt to relax, your risk of tearing and pain is higher.
Some tears are worse than others. Most are pretty painless and heal up quickly on their own. More severe ones are called “fissures,” and these you will probably feel. They may itch, sting, or burn when you try to have sex or use the bathroom. Fissures usually heal on their own, too, but it’s still a good idea to see a doctor you trust, who knows what kind of sex you’re having.
While micro-tears or fissures are rarely very painful, they become open gateways for infection. Unprotected bottoming is a high-risk activity for sexually transmitted infections like HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and more. This is why it’s important to protect yourself.
PrEP is a once-a-day pill you can take to prevent HIV infection. So far, the only drug approved for PrEP is Truvada, but more drugs are on the way. Condoms are also incredibly effective at preventing STIs like chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea, and the combination of condoms and PrEP greatly reduce your risk of contracting all of these.
Other STIs, like oral and genital herpes and HPV, are so common that if you’ve had any amount of sex, you may have already been exposed to them. Most sexually active adults have some strain of HPV. That said, you should talk to your doctor about getting the three-part Gardasil vaccine for HPV, even if you’ve already been sexually active. For people who haven’t had sex yet, Gardasil vaccinates them against strains of HPV most commonly associated with certain types of cancer. Even if you’ve already been very sexually active, Gardasil is still recommended to fight future strains of cancer-associated HPV.
Get your body and your butt regularly inspected by a doctor for warts and other signs that you might have an infection. If you’re having sex, you should get a full-range STI test every three months, minimum. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you won’t know you have them, so it’s important that you get tested often, especially if you’re HIV-negative.
How do I get better at bottoming?
Improving your sex skills takes time, practice, and — in my opinion — some butt training. Not every bottom trains their butt to prepare for the experience, but I did. After I learned to enjoy the sensation of my ass opening and stretching, my skills drastically improved, and sex finally became really fun.
Buy a small butt plug (no larger than an inch in diameter), preferably one made of smooth, soft silicone. Lube it up generously (with silicone toys, use water-based lube), and slowly slide it in. Concentrate on the feeling of the stretch and slowly — slowly! — get comfortable with it. If you feel pain, stop, breathe, relax, and continue when you’re ready.
Once the plug is all the way in, take a deep breath, adjust to the feeling of it being inside you, and slowly — slowly! — pull it back out. Breathe, relax, and repeat. (Pro tip: This is way more fun with a playmate you trust, who is patient and will listen to your needs.)
You will probably find — as I did — that after you stop clenching and finally relax your butt, the feeling of your hole opening feels really good. And then it feels great. After working with the same small plug for a few weeks (or as long as it takes to feel enjoyable), try a slightly bigger butt plug. If it’s too much, stick with the smaller one until you’re ready. Gradually build size and speed, and above all else, focus on enjoying the feeling. If it’s not enjoyable at any point, stop.
Here’s what you’re doing: You’re training your hole to open, and you’re training your mind to relax and enjoy it. Your body has an impulsive reaction of tightening your muscles and clenching when something feels uncomfortable. Training your mind and body to not clench — to relax, to trust the person you’re playing with, and to feel pleasure — is the most awesome part of the journey.
www.them.us/story/guide-to-bottoming-part-2
Call Me by My Pronouns: Why Gay Men Call Each Other "Girl"
"Something can both be subversive but also problematic at the same time."
The use of she/her pronouns by cisgender gay men, along with words such as "girl" or "honey," is a long-standing and increasingly visible practice. For many gay men, using these words with their friends is a way of embracing femininity and showing vulnerability or affection to others who share their identities. Creating a shared culture — including language — around femininity can be a way of reclaiming the bases for oppression many gay men have experienced, as well as disrupting the harmful gender binary.
But few if any linguistic practices are all one thing, all the time. In a culture where women and femininity have long been denigrated and belittled, there is a danger that cis men using these words can perpetuate some of these negative tropes. It may be time to reevaluate cis gay men’s use of words like "she" and "girl" to make sure they align with ongoing efforts to respect nonbinary gender identities, and avoid making assumptions about people’s pronouns. Linguists, social scientists, and critics have observed and studied cis gay men’s use of “she,” and their assessments point to the multiple and often conflicting dimensions of the practice.
“Something can both be subversive but also problematic at the same time,” explains Lal Zimman, a linguistics professor at UC Santa Barbara who specializes in trans language practices. “It seems almost impossible to subvert the current systems that we’re living in without somehow relying on those systems. So for it even to make sense for gay men to use ‘she,’ we have to have some kind of association with ‘she,’ and usually that association is femininity, whatever that might mean to us or our culture.”
Historically, queer men and women switched their use of gender pronouns so that they could openly communicate with one another in times when it was not safe to openly have same-sex relationships. This practice — sometimes called "she-ing" — has a centuries-long history around the world, including England, Peru, the Philippines, and South Africa. “Men using women’s pronouns, and women using men’s pronouns, has got an enormous time depth in American lesbian-gay English. It’s not a recent formation at all,” explains William Leap, an emeritus professor of anthropology at American University and pioneering expert on queer linguistics.
Gay men calling each other "she" or "girl" was historically a way of protecting themselves as well as building community in the context of homophobic and violent mainstream culture. Leap has traced many of the roots of American queer linguistics to the Harlem Renaissance. “In Harlem, incredible forms of sexualized language emerged in the context of the linguistic florescence called Harlemese, which was the language of everyday life in Harlem,” says Leap, who is currently finishing a book entitled Language Before Stonewall. “Part of that was this wonderful speaking style that had to do with sexual sameness. One of the things that you get there is incredible playing with pronouns.”
Black queer people of all genders played with their use of pronouns and gendered language during the Harlem Renaissance. Leap pointed to 1920s blues music — including artists such as Ma Rainey and Ethel Waters — as a place where examples of Harlemese gender play can be found. Leap urged me to listen to Ethel Waters’ “My Handyman” as an example of playing with gender; apparently the song was actually referencing a woman. The lyrics include “He shakes my ashes, greases my griddle / Churns my butter, strokes my fiddle” and “Sometimes he's up long before dawn / Busy trimming the rough edges off my lawn.”
This practice is also visible in letters from soldiers during World War II, Leap explains. In the 1940s, military censors were on the lookout for evidence of homosexuality, which could provoke a military investigation. To evade this, soldiers would shift the pronouns in their letters, allowing them to, as Leap put it, “say all kinds of things about what they were up to and what kind of fun they were having.”
Leap also stresses that there are usually multiple reasons a linguistic practice is used, and the history of certain words does not necessarily form a linear path to their use today. “Because this is the history doesn’t mean this is the antecedent to today’s practice,” Leap explains. “But it kind of puts today’s practice into a broader framework of what pronoun shifts could mean. Now, do today’s young people know that when they say things like, ‘Is she for real?’ I don’t know.”
Using words like "she" and "girl" can be a way for cis gay men to bond and embrace femininity. “When I was growing up I didn’t want to be called ‘girl.’ And I would ask myself, why? What’s wrong with that? And that’s because of the way I was socialized and affected by the patriarchy,” says Black writer and activist Darnell Moore, a queer cisgender man. “Now if someone calls me ‘girl,’ I’m fine with that…. the context in which I’ve experienced this for the most part has been one of a willingness to move beyond the rigidity of markers of a certain type of manhood and masculinity.”
Yet some women have experienced gay men using words like “girl” toward them in ways that don’t feel all that different from the misogyny they have experienced from straight men. “It got kind of weird when I was doing things in a leadership role in LGBT spaces, and ‘girl’ was used toward me as a way of putting down my ideas,” says Brianne Huntsman, a cis queer woman who lives in Salt Lake City. “I also saw it being negatively used when white gay men would say, like, ‘Oh girl, what are you talking about,’ and they would be talking to a woman of color, especially a Black woman. That was very loaded, given how African American people have been treated in the sense of people calling them ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ to deny them their adulthood and ability to make decisions for themselves.”
Considering misogyny within gay men’s language practices raises the question of how using words like “girl” or “honey” is connected to their use of other, more controversial words that have historically been used to demean women, such as “bitch” and “cunt.” Multiple interviewees referenced RuPaul’s Drag Race as a show that has popularized the use of words associated with femininity among cis gay men. RuPaul has also been widely criticized for his transphobic views on drag. He uses the acronym CUNT to describe a drag queen’s ideal qualities — charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Another term that has been popularized on the show, “hunty,” is a combination of the words “honey” and “cunt.”
“Gay men are a large group of people with a lot of different kinds of relationships to gender, and I think there are absolutely gay men who operate in relation to feminine language that really is a reflection of their male privilege, whether it’s through using it in ways that denigrate or stereotype women, or whether it’s just feeling license to use the language how they see fit,” says Zimman, the linguist from UC Santa Barbara. “Of course, gay men are men. Men are prone toward misogyny, so that’s not something to be left out of the picture.”
Other aspects of identity, particularly race, also provide important context for this practice. Much of the history, as well as the more contemporary popularization of cis men using terms like "she/her," has Black and Latinx roots. Paris Is Burning, the 1990 documentary on Harlem’s drag ball scene, as well as Drag Race, have brought the use of words like "she" and "girl" between Black and Latinx drag queens to a wider gay (and straight) audience; today this is something employed by gay men of all races. As with all language, context is important. Wealthy white gay cis men calling each other "girl" may be drastically different from Black or Latinx gay cis men who continue to be marginalized in very different ways.
As is visible in a film like Paris Is Burning, a few decades ago there were more shared spaces, language, and culture between cis gay men, trans women, and gender-nonconforming individuals. In ball culture during the 1980s, the use of a shared vocabulary could signal inclusion, affection, and safety. But in recent decades, this context has changed. “Part of the difficulty is the way that queer politics has come to be very much about sexuality and not gender,” explains Zimman. “This is the mainstream gay idea of being just like straight people, except for whom one is attracted to. That kind of rejection of gender nonnormativity also gives us the situation we find today, where we have more of a split between gay men and trans women, for instance, than we might have seen in previous decades.”
Alex, who identifies as a nonbinary transfemme and asks that their real name not be used, sometimes feels uncomfortable with cis men using "she/her" toward them. “With ‘girl/she/her,’” they say, “if I’m socializing with cis gay men and that’s what they’re using to describe each other and to describe me, there is a little bit of dissonance there, because I’m not really sure if they’re using that to validate my gender, or if it’s being used as it’s used with other cis gay men.”
There are critical efforts in trans and queer spaces to dissociate pronouns from specific identities. Gay men’s tradition of playing with pronouns and refusing to abide by the gender binary can be a part of this effort. It’s also important to recognize that individuals may identify with different pronouns at different points in their lives, or multiple pronouns all at once. Again, this practice can help normalize that. But as we continue to work on rejecting damaging norms around gender and sexuality, it’s important to question how we employ words and what associations we are invoking. It’s also important to ensure through affirmative consent that people are comfortable with the pronouns and other words used to refer to them.
“I think that with the context in which cis men come to understand ourselves, as shaped by patriarchy and sexism, there’s a need to be thoughtful about our uses of language,” says Moore. “It’s so important. And yet the queer potential, the radical potential in queerness, is our ability to fuck with language.”
www.them.us/story/call-me-by-my-pronouns
The use of she/her pronouns by cisgender gay men, along with words such as "girl" or "honey," is a long-standing and increasingly visible practice. For many gay men, using these words with their friends is a way of embracing femininity and showing vulnerability or affection to others who share their identities. Creating a shared culture — including language — around femininity can be a way of reclaiming the bases for oppression many gay men have experienced, as well as disrupting the harmful gender binary.
But few if any linguistic practices are all one thing, all the time. In a culture where women and femininity have long been denigrated and belittled, there is a danger that cis men using these words can perpetuate some of these negative tropes. It may be time to reevaluate cis gay men’s use of words like "she" and "girl" to make sure they align with ongoing efforts to respect nonbinary gender identities, and avoid making assumptions about people’s pronouns. Linguists, social scientists, and critics have observed and studied cis gay men’s use of “she,” and their assessments point to the multiple and often conflicting dimensions of the practice.
“Something can both be subversive but also problematic at the same time,” explains Lal Zimman, a linguistics professor at UC Santa Barbara who specializes in trans language practices. “It seems almost impossible to subvert the current systems that we’re living in without somehow relying on those systems. So for it even to make sense for gay men to use ‘she,’ we have to have some kind of association with ‘she,’ and usually that association is femininity, whatever that might mean to us or our culture.”
Historically, queer men and women switched their use of gender pronouns so that they could openly communicate with one another in times when it was not safe to openly have same-sex relationships. This practice — sometimes called "she-ing" — has a centuries-long history around the world, including England, Peru, the Philippines, and South Africa. “Men using women’s pronouns, and women using men’s pronouns, has got an enormous time depth in American lesbian-gay English. It’s not a recent formation at all,” explains William Leap, an emeritus professor of anthropology at American University and pioneering expert on queer linguistics.
Gay men calling each other "she" or "girl" was historically a way of protecting themselves as well as building community in the context of homophobic and violent mainstream culture. Leap has traced many of the roots of American queer linguistics to the Harlem Renaissance. “In Harlem, incredible forms of sexualized language emerged in the context of the linguistic florescence called Harlemese, which was the language of everyday life in Harlem,” says Leap, who is currently finishing a book entitled Language Before Stonewall. “Part of that was this wonderful speaking style that had to do with sexual sameness. One of the things that you get there is incredible playing with pronouns.”
Black queer people of all genders played with their use of pronouns and gendered language during the Harlem Renaissance. Leap pointed to 1920s blues music — including artists such as Ma Rainey and Ethel Waters — as a place where examples of Harlemese gender play can be found. Leap urged me to listen to Ethel Waters’ “My Handyman” as an example of playing with gender; apparently the song was actually referencing a woman. The lyrics include “He shakes my ashes, greases my griddle / Churns my butter, strokes my fiddle” and “Sometimes he's up long before dawn / Busy trimming the rough edges off my lawn.”
This practice is also visible in letters from soldiers during World War II, Leap explains. In the 1940s, military censors were on the lookout for evidence of homosexuality, which could provoke a military investigation. To evade this, soldiers would shift the pronouns in their letters, allowing them to, as Leap put it, “say all kinds of things about what they were up to and what kind of fun they were having.”
Leap also stresses that there are usually multiple reasons a linguistic practice is used, and the history of certain words does not necessarily form a linear path to their use today. “Because this is the history doesn’t mean this is the antecedent to today’s practice,” Leap explains. “But it kind of puts today’s practice into a broader framework of what pronoun shifts could mean. Now, do today’s young people know that when they say things like, ‘Is she for real?’ I don’t know.”
Using words like "she" and "girl" can be a way for cis gay men to bond and embrace femininity. “When I was growing up I didn’t want to be called ‘girl.’ And I would ask myself, why? What’s wrong with that? And that’s because of the way I was socialized and affected by the patriarchy,” says Black writer and activist Darnell Moore, a queer cisgender man. “Now if someone calls me ‘girl,’ I’m fine with that…. the context in which I’ve experienced this for the most part has been one of a willingness to move beyond the rigidity of markers of a certain type of manhood and masculinity.”
Yet some women have experienced gay men using words like “girl” toward them in ways that don’t feel all that different from the misogyny they have experienced from straight men. “It got kind of weird when I was doing things in a leadership role in LGBT spaces, and ‘girl’ was used toward me as a way of putting down my ideas,” says Brianne Huntsman, a cis queer woman who lives in Salt Lake City. “I also saw it being negatively used when white gay men would say, like, ‘Oh girl, what are you talking about,’ and they would be talking to a woman of color, especially a Black woman. That was very loaded, given how African American people have been treated in the sense of people calling them ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ to deny them their adulthood and ability to make decisions for themselves.”
Considering misogyny within gay men’s language practices raises the question of how using words like “girl” or “honey” is connected to their use of other, more controversial words that have historically been used to demean women, such as “bitch” and “cunt.” Multiple interviewees referenced RuPaul’s Drag Race as a show that has popularized the use of words associated with femininity among cis gay men. RuPaul has also been widely criticized for his transphobic views on drag. He uses the acronym CUNT to describe a drag queen’s ideal qualities — charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. Another term that has been popularized on the show, “hunty,” is a combination of the words “honey” and “cunt.”
“Gay men are a large group of people with a lot of different kinds of relationships to gender, and I think there are absolutely gay men who operate in relation to feminine language that really is a reflection of their male privilege, whether it’s through using it in ways that denigrate or stereotype women, or whether it’s just feeling license to use the language how they see fit,” says Zimman, the linguist from UC Santa Barbara. “Of course, gay men are men. Men are prone toward misogyny, so that’s not something to be left out of the picture.”
Other aspects of identity, particularly race, also provide important context for this practice. Much of the history, as well as the more contemporary popularization of cis men using terms like "she/her," has Black and Latinx roots. Paris Is Burning, the 1990 documentary on Harlem’s drag ball scene, as well as Drag Race, have brought the use of words like "she" and "girl" between Black and Latinx drag queens to a wider gay (and straight) audience; today this is something employed by gay men of all races. As with all language, context is important. Wealthy white gay cis men calling each other "girl" may be drastically different from Black or Latinx gay cis men who continue to be marginalized in very different ways.
As is visible in a film like Paris Is Burning, a few decades ago there were more shared spaces, language, and culture between cis gay men, trans women, and gender-nonconforming individuals. In ball culture during the 1980s, the use of a shared vocabulary could signal inclusion, affection, and safety. But in recent decades, this context has changed. “Part of the difficulty is the way that queer politics has come to be very much about sexuality and not gender,” explains Zimman. “This is the mainstream gay idea of being just like straight people, except for whom one is attracted to. That kind of rejection of gender nonnormativity also gives us the situation we find today, where we have more of a split between gay men and trans women, for instance, than we might have seen in previous decades.”
Alex, who identifies as a nonbinary transfemme and asks that their real name not be used, sometimes feels uncomfortable with cis men using "she/her" toward them. “With ‘girl/she/her,’” they say, “if I’m socializing with cis gay men and that’s what they’re using to describe each other and to describe me, there is a little bit of dissonance there, because I’m not really sure if they’re using that to validate my gender, or if it’s being used as it’s used with other cis gay men.”
There are critical efforts in trans and queer spaces to dissociate pronouns from specific identities. Gay men’s tradition of playing with pronouns and refusing to abide by the gender binary can be a part of this effort. It’s also important to recognize that individuals may identify with different pronouns at different points in their lives, or multiple pronouns all at once. Again, this practice can help normalize that. But as we continue to work on rejecting damaging norms around gender and sexuality, it’s important to question how we employ words and what associations we are invoking. It’s also important to ensure through affirmative consent that people are comfortable with the pronouns and other words used to refer to them.
“I think that with the context in which cis men come to understand ourselves, as shaped by patriarchy and sexism, there’s a need to be thoughtful about our uses of language,” says Moore. “It’s so important. And yet the queer potential, the radical potential in queerness, is our ability to fuck with language.”
www.them.us/story/call-me-by-my-pronouns
6 Major Moments in Queer History BEYOND the Stonewall Riots
Watch Pose's Billy Porter give us a rundown on important political movements that have changed the course of LGBTQ+ history.
During Pride Month, we honor Pride's radical origins at the Stonewall Inn in 1969. But what we don't often hear about are the other political actions and uprisings that have advanced the LGBTQ+ rights movement from as far back as the 1920s through today. In this video (transcript below), our queero Billy Porter takes us through the LGBTQ+ history that doesn't get enough mainstream recognition, and reminds us to appreciate our queer legacies while we fight for our collective queer future.
You’re familiar with Stonewall, of course, but what about the activist movements throughout history that haven’t received as much attention? Groundbreaking queer political actions have been an active part of modern history, with almost 50 years’ worth before that fateful day in 1969. Today, in advance of this month’s Gay Pride celebrations, we’ll take a look at some of the more obscure political actions that have also changed the course of queer history.
1920s: The Society for Human Rights
When U.S. Army soldier Henry Gerber was stationed in Germany from 1920 to 1923, he saw the rise of homophile organizations, as gay rights groups were once called. Gerber was inspired by the work of Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, founder of the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee, an organization dedicated to overturning Germany’s anti-homosexual rulings. Gerber believed there should be an organization like this in America, too, and upon returning to Chicago in 1924, he dedicated himself to developing one. The group came together in December 1924 as the Society for Human Rights, the first gay rights organization in America. They produced the first ever gay rights newsletter in the country, called “Freedom and Friendship.” Shortly after the newsletter was disseminated, Gerber’s home was raided by police. He was arrested, his papers were confiscated, he lost his job and life savings. The Society fell apart. Later, Gerber relocated to New York City and began writing activist works again, this time under the pen name “Parisex.” He continued his activism until his death in the 1970s.
1950s: The Mattachine Society
The Mattachine Society was formed in the early 1950s by Harry Hay. It started in Southern California but quickly spread across the state and the country, providing a space for gays and lesbians to gather and discuss their experiences as homosexuals. This was a radical concept at a time when few Americans were out and in some places it was illegal for homosexuals to gather at all. The organization would go on to declare that homosexuals were an oppressed minority, that developing a community was essential to overcoming oppression, and that anti-gay legislation in the U.S. needed to be overturned. However, in 1953, the group’s radical ideals were traded for more accomodationist ones, which stated that homosexuals should adapt to, not combat, heterosexual lifestyles in order to obtain equality. Historians today argue about the organization’s effectiveness after this, citing that it either flourished and helped make changes to legislation, or that membership declined leading to inefficiency. The Mattachines dissolved at the end of the 1960s, when gay rights activism became more aggressive.
1950s: The Daughters of Bilitis
The Daughters of Bilitis was formed in 1955 in San Francisco by Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin. It was named after poet Pierre Louys’s The Songs of Bilitis, in which Bilitis was said to be a female lover of Greek poet Sappho. The Daughters of Bilitis was one of the first lesbian organizations ever established in the U.S. Chapters spread across the country and even Australia as the 50s went on. Originally assembled as a meeting place for lesbians, the group also held public forums to teach people about homosexuality and provided support to single and married lesbians as well as lesbian mothers. The group eventually evolved to promoting lesbian rights and lesbian feminist politics. The Daughters of Bilitis shut down in the early 1970s, but is known for its commitment to fostering understanding in and out of the lesbian community and setting a successful example for countless lesbian organizations to come.
1960s: Compton’s Cafeteria Riot
The riot at Gene Compton’s Cafeteria in San Francisco’s Tenderloin neighborhood happened in August 1966. A policeman grabbed a drag queen in an attempt to arrest her and she threw a cup of coffee in his face. A riot began almost immediately, with glass windows smashed by thrown sugar shakers, tables flipped and cutlery thrown. These particular Compton’s customers had had enough. It was by no means unprovoked, either: cops had been arresting drag queens, gay hustlers, and transgender women at the 24-hour eatery regularly for cross-dressing, for obstructing the sidewalk, for any reason they could find to throw them in jail. It didn’t help that Compton’s owners preferred the queens, hustlers, and trans women leave and would call the cops to have them removed. After the incident, the diner banned trans women and the Tenderloin’s largely queer community rebelled, picketing the establishment and breaking its new windows. The Compton’s riot received no coverage at all in any of San Francisco’s publications, but today is recognized for its importance as one of the first queer uprisings against police brutality.
1970s: The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence first emerged in 1979 when four gay men bored with the sameness of San Francisco’s Castro district put on retired nuns’ habits. Realizing their presence could bring joy and initiate social change, they formed an order of queer nuns, The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
Today, donning drag versions of nuns’ habits, they draw attention to queer discrimination and religious hypocrisy, promote safe sex and educate against the dangerous effects of drug use, all the while raising money for AIDS, LGBTQ+, and community-related causes. Chapters have since expanded across the globe.
1970s: Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries (STAR)
Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries, or STAR, was organized by queer historical icons and self-described drag queens Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. Both had been present at Stonewall and active in the GLF, and decided to organize homeless trans youth, drag queens, sex workers, immigrants, and low-income people in New York. Rivera and Johnson were homeless themselves, and saw STAR as a way to help and provide shelter for the people they knew as their children. They bought a building, fixed it up, provided shelter and clothes for the people who came through. STAR grew from New York to Chicago, California, and even England and lasted for approximately three years before it shut down.
While the riots at Stonewall are of course important, their story starts decades before and continues today. Thanks to people like Henry Gerber, Phyllis Lyon, Sylvia Rivera, Larry Kramer, and countless others, queer activism still has a loud and forceful voice in and out of the community. We owe so much to their legacy. We’ll continue to to speak out in honor of the strides they made for us, and the lives we hope to change in the future.
www.them.us/story/queer-history-beyond-stonewall
During Pride Month, we honor Pride's radical origins at the Stonewall Inn in 1969. But what we don't often hear about are the other political actions and uprisings that have advanced the LGBTQ+ rights movement from as far back as the 1920s through today. In this video (transcript below), our queero Billy Porter takes us through the LGBTQ+ history that doesn't get enough mainstream recognition, and reminds us to appreciate our queer legacies while we fight for our collective queer future.
You’re familiar with Stonewall, of course, but what about the activist movements throughout history that haven’t received as much attention? Groundbreaking queer political actions have been an active part of modern history, with almost 50 years’ worth before that fateful day in 1969. Today, in advance of this month’s Gay Pride celebrations, we’ll take a look at some of the more obscure political actions that have also changed the course of queer history.
1920s: The Society for Human Rights
When U.S. Army soldier Henry Gerber was stationed in Germany from 1920 to 1923, he saw the rise of homophile organizations, as gay rights groups were once called. Gerber was inspired by the work of Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, founder of the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee, an organization dedicated to overturning Germany’s anti-homosexual rulings. Gerber believed there should be an organization like this in America, too, and upon returning to Chicago in 1924, he dedicated himself to developing one. The group came together in December 1924 as the Society for Human Rights, the first gay rights organization in America. They produced the first ever gay rights newsletter in the country, called “Freedom and Friendship.” Shortly after the newsletter was disseminated, Gerber’s home was raided by police. He was arrested, his papers were confiscated, he lost his job and life savings. The Society fell apart. Later, Gerber relocated to New York City and began writing activist works again, this time under the pen name “Parisex.” He continued his activism until his death in the 1970s.
1950s: The Mattachine Society
The Mattachine Society was formed in the early 1950s by Harry Hay. It started in Southern California but quickly spread across the state and the country, providing a space for gays and lesbians to gather and discuss their experiences as homosexuals. This was a radical concept at a time when few Americans were out and in some places it was illegal for homosexuals to gather at all. The organization would go on to declare that homosexuals were an oppressed minority, that developing a community was essential to overcoming oppression, and that anti-gay legislation in the U.S. needed to be overturned. However, in 1953, the group’s radical ideals were traded for more accomodationist ones, which stated that homosexuals should adapt to, not combat, heterosexual lifestyles in order to obtain equality. Historians today argue about the organization’s effectiveness after this, citing that it either flourished and helped make changes to legislation, or that membership declined leading to inefficiency. The Mattachines dissolved at the end of the 1960s, when gay rights activism became more aggressive.
1950s: The Daughters of Bilitis
The Daughters of Bilitis was formed in 1955 in San Francisco by Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin. It was named after poet Pierre Louys’s The Songs of Bilitis, in which Bilitis was said to be a female lover of Greek poet Sappho. The Daughters of Bilitis was one of the first lesbian organizations ever established in the U.S. Chapters spread across the country and even Australia as the 50s went on. Originally assembled as a meeting place for lesbians, the group also held public forums to teach people about homosexuality and provided support to single and married lesbians as well as lesbian mothers. The group eventually evolved to promoting lesbian rights and lesbian feminist politics. The Daughters of Bilitis shut down in the early 1970s, but is known for its commitment to fostering understanding in and out of the lesbian community and setting a successful example for countless lesbian organizations to come.
1960s: Compton’s Cafeteria Riot
The riot at Gene Compton’s Cafeteria in San Francisco’s Tenderloin neighborhood happened in August 1966. A policeman grabbed a drag queen in an attempt to arrest her and she threw a cup of coffee in his face. A riot began almost immediately, with glass windows smashed by thrown sugar shakers, tables flipped and cutlery thrown. These particular Compton’s customers had had enough. It was by no means unprovoked, either: cops had been arresting drag queens, gay hustlers, and transgender women at the 24-hour eatery regularly for cross-dressing, for obstructing the sidewalk, for any reason they could find to throw them in jail. It didn’t help that Compton’s owners preferred the queens, hustlers, and trans women leave and would call the cops to have them removed. After the incident, the diner banned trans women and the Tenderloin’s largely queer community rebelled, picketing the establishment and breaking its new windows. The Compton’s riot received no coverage at all in any of San Francisco’s publications, but today is recognized for its importance as one of the first queer uprisings against police brutality.
1970s: The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence first emerged in 1979 when four gay men bored with the sameness of San Francisco’s Castro district put on retired nuns’ habits. Realizing their presence could bring joy and initiate social change, they formed an order of queer nuns, The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
Today, donning drag versions of nuns’ habits, they draw attention to queer discrimination and religious hypocrisy, promote safe sex and educate against the dangerous effects of drug use, all the while raising money for AIDS, LGBTQ+, and community-related causes. Chapters have since expanded across the globe.
1970s: Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries (STAR)
Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries, or STAR, was organized by queer historical icons and self-described drag queens Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. Both had been present at Stonewall and active in the GLF, and decided to organize homeless trans youth, drag queens, sex workers, immigrants, and low-income people in New York. Rivera and Johnson were homeless themselves, and saw STAR as a way to help and provide shelter for the people they knew as their children. They bought a building, fixed it up, provided shelter and clothes for the people who came through. STAR grew from New York to Chicago, California, and even England and lasted for approximately three years before it shut down.
While the riots at Stonewall are of course important, their story starts decades before and continues today. Thanks to people like Henry Gerber, Phyllis Lyon, Sylvia Rivera, Larry Kramer, and countless others, queer activism still has a loud and forceful voice in and out of the community. We owe so much to their legacy. We’ll continue to to speak out in honor of the strides they made for us, and the lives we hope to change in the future.
www.them.us/story/queer-history-beyond-stonewall
How to Get Harder, Longer Lasting Erections
When things aren’t going well in bed it can really take a toll on your self-esteem and relationship. If you are have recently experienced soft erections, trouble getting hard, or a loss of morning wood then I can understand how frustrated you must be. Consistent problems getting and maintaining an erection are referred to as Sexual dysfunction. As the name states, this is when things downstairs aren’t quite functioning as they should. Erectile problems are actually more common than you think and can be a result of a combination of factors including age, state of mind and health.
But do not worry. There are a few simple steps you can take to fix these problems in a relatively short period of time. All it takes is a bit of stepping back to see what is going wrong, and making a few lifestyle changes.
Cut Out the Tobacco and Alcohol
If you are having problems in bed, usually the most common issue is due to tobacco and alcohol use. Alcohol is a natural depressant and your body processes it much in the same way that it would a poison. People refer to soft penises from drinking as whiskey dick for a reason. What you may not realize is that the effects of alcohol on your vascular system last even after you have sobered up. Your body actually takes about a day or two to recover after moderate to heavy drinking, so if you drink a fair amount and on a regular basis then you are going to see the negative effects of drinking more frequently.
The same goes for tobacco use. Tobacco actually causes your blood vessels to constrict, which is partly why you feel a rush from nicotine. The downside to this of course its effect on your sexual health over time. Restricted blood vessels mean decreased blood flow all over your body, especially where you need it most. Nicotine can stay in your system for weeks at a time, so much like alcohol, problems from smoking can carry over well past the day you smoked that last cigarette.
Exercise
Two of the most common physical reasons for soft erection are from inadequate blood flow to the penis and an imbalance in hormones. Exercise is a great way to combat both of these, as staying active will literally keep your blood flowing. This will increase your vascular health and in turn, increase blood flow to your penis.
Additionally cardio and weightlifting increase testosterone production which will boost your libido and overall erection strength. Increasing your body’s natural testosterone means harder, longer lasting erections. Exercise is the one silver bullet to fix your problems, but it also takes the most dedication and effort. If you can stick to a regular exercise routine then you will see results in no time.
Take a Natural Supplement
For some people, exercising and cutting out alcohol help, but aren’t sufficient to fully solve soft erections. This is when taking a supplement to regulate your body’s hormone levels can really help. Ever since I moved to Korea, my friends here have all sworn by red ginseng. I didn’t believe them at first, but people here have been using it for hundreds of years to help boost energy and sexual performance. It wasn’t until my close friend gave me some as a gift that I was convinced. I have been using it ever since.
Korean red ginseng has really done wonders to help get my sex life back on track. Everyone’s body works a little differently, so experimenting and striking a balance with different herbal regimens can take time, but the pay-off, in the end, is well worth it. I have much more energy nowadays and am much, much happier with my sexual performance as a result.
Try a Cock Ring
Cock rings work by adding pressure to your pubococcygeus muscles (no I didn’t make that work up), which are located at the base of the penis and help control blood flow and ejaculation. Putting pressure here, with the help of a cock ring, can help made you last longer and your penis harder. They come in a variety of colors, materials, and sizes. You can also choose from fixed or adjustable sizes. Cock rings are also relatively inexpensive starting out at around 5 dollars. They are worth giving a shot if you are looking for a quick fix.
Do Some Kegels
You read that right. Most people hear the word Kegels and automatically think of vaginal exercises when in fact men also have the ability to train and strengthen important muscles for sex.
If you have ever gone pee and try to stopped mid-stream then you already know how to tighten these muscles. Training them and making this area is stronger is relatively easy but takes some daily diligence. Try to tighten and hold these muscles for 10 seconds at a time for about 10-15 times a days. It can actually be pretty tough at first but after a few days practice, it will get much easier. Gradually increase the number over a few weeks and you will notice a big improvement.
Sexual dysfunction can be frustrating but there are steps you can take to make a difference. Being consistent and creating a routine is simple, but sticking to it can be the tricky part. If you follow the above steps I can promise you will notice an improvement within a few days, and eventually you will be at your sexual prime.
www.maleq.org/the-secret-to-harder-longer-lasting-erections/
But do not worry. There are a few simple steps you can take to fix these problems in a relatively short period of time. All it takes is a bit of stepping back to see what is going wrong, and making a few lifestyle changes.
Cut Out the Tobacco and Alcohol
If you are having problems in bed, usually the most common issue is due to tobacco and alcohol use. Alcohol is a natural depressant and your body processes it much in the same way that it would a poison. People refer to soft penises from drinking as whiskey dick for a reason. What you may not realize is that the effects of alcohol on your vascular system last even after you have sobered up. Your body actually takes about a day or two to recover after moderate to heavy drinking, so if you drink a fair amount and on a regular basis then you are going to see the negative effects of drinking more frequently.
The same goes for tobacco use. Tobacco actually causes your blood vessels to constrict, which is partly why you feel a rush from nicotine. The downside to this of course its effect on your sexual health over time. Restricted blood vessels mean decreased blood flow all over your body, especially where you need it most. Nicotine can stay in your system for weeks at a time, so much like alcohol, problems from smoking can carry over well past the day you smoked that last cigarette.
Exercise
Two of the most common physical reasons for soft erection are from inadequate blood flow to the penis and an imbalance in hormones. Exercise is a great way to combat both of these, as staying active will literally keep your blood flowing. This will increase your vascular health and in turn, increase blood flow to your penis.
Additionally cardio and weightlifting increase testosterone production which will boost your libido and overall erection strength. Increasing your body’s natural testosterone means harder, longer lasting erections. Exercise is the one silver bullet to fix your problems, but it also takes the most dedication and effort. If you can stick to a regular exercise routine then you will see results in no time.
Take a Natural Supplement
For some people, exercising and cutting out alcohol help, but aren’t sufficient to fully solve soft erections. This is when taking a supplement to regulate your body’s hormone levels can really help. Ever since I moved to Korea, my friends here have all sworn by red ginseng. I didn’t believe them at first, but people here have been using it for hundreds of years to help boost energy and sexual performance. It wasn’t until my close friend gave me some as a gift that I was convinced. I have been using it ever since.
Korean red ginseng has really done wonders to help get my sex life back on track. Everyone’s body works a little differently, so experimenting and striking a balance with different herbal regimens can take time, but the pay-off, in the end, is well worth it. I have much more energy nowadays and am much, much happier with my sexual performance as a result.
Try a Cock Ring
Cock rings work by adding pressure to your pubococcygeus muscles (no I didn’t make that work up), which are located at the base of the penis and help control blood flow and ejaculation. Putting pressure here, with the help of a cock ring, can help made you last longer and your penis harder. They come in a variety of colors, materials, and sizes. You can also choose from fixed or adjustable sizes. Cock rings are also relatively inexpensive starting out at around 5 dollars. They are worth giving a shot if you are looking for a quick fix.
Do Some Kegels
You read that right. Most people hear the word Kegels and automatically think of vaginal exercises when in fact men also have the ability to train and strengthen important muscles for sex.
If you have ever gone pee and try to stopped mid-stream then you already know how to tighten these muscles. Training them and making this area is stronger is relatively easy but takes some daily diligence. Try to tighten and hold these muscles for 10 seconds at a time for about 10-15 times a days. It can actually be pretty tough at first but after a few days practice, it will get much easier. Gradually increase the number over a few weeks and you will notice a big improvement.
Sexual dysfunction can be frustrating but there are steps you can take to make a difference. Being consistent and creating a routine is simple, but sticking to it can be the tricky part. If you follow the above steps I can promise you will notice an improvement within a few days, and eventually you will be at your sexual prime.
www.maleq.org/the-secret-to-harder-longer-lasting-erections/
Rimming How to Rim and Get Rimmed
Rimming, licking ass, eating out, butt-munching, whatever you want to call it it doesn’t really matter. Rimming is a fun, safe, way to have sex. Once you get over the “ew” factor and learn how to rim the propper way that rimming can be clean, safe, and a lot of fun you will have one more first act to add to your sex book.
With some proper hygiene and an open mind, you will soon find out that your sex life is about to get a whole lot better!
Hygiene
The first thing on everyone’s mind reading this is the clean factor. First and foremost forget everything you think you know about butts, and remove any association you have with “anal” and “dirty”.
The truth is that with a good shower, some hot water and a bit of body wash your bottom will be cleaner than most people’s faces!
~ In all seriousness ~
Assuming you clean out your tubes and take your time using the bathroom beforehand, then all it takes is a shower afterwards and some attention down below to have a sparkling, pristine butt!
My advice is to make sure that when you are showering, you push outward (like you are going to poop) and clean about an inch inside. Make sure your fingernails are cut and use some mild body wash.
You don’t need to go too crazy.
A minute of washing is plenty. Be gentle, and make sure you wash away all the soap afterwards and
Ta-Da
You are all ready to be rimmed.
Safety
When it comes to sex, rimming is about the safest activity you can do. It is virtually impossible to contract HIV along with most other STDs. This is because unlike giving a blowjob, or full on sex, you do not come in contact or ingest any bodily fluids which are where most STDs are hiding out.
So if you want to stay on the safe side of sex and aren’t a fan of protection (which is your own choice) then rimming is a great way to have fun!
If though you want to take every precaution possible or are very worried about hygiene then you can always use a dental dam. These are a thin protective layer, similar to a condom which are used for both men and women.
Rimming, licking ass, eating out, butt-munching, whatever you want to call it it doesn’t really matter. Rimming is a fun, safe, way to have sex. Once you get over the “ew” factor and learn how to rim the propper way that rimming can be clean, safe, and a lot of fun you will have one more first act to add to your sex book.
With some proper hygiene and an open mind, you will soon find out that your sex life is about to get a whole lot better!
www.maleq.org/rimming-how-to-rim-and-get-rimmed/
Best Lubes for Giving a Handjob
So, you want to give a really good handjob, or maybe you just want to jack off. Either way, your body likes things wet that’s just how we were made to feel. When choosing a good lube you need to keep two things in mind slipperiness and longevity. Below are our top picks along with some user review of the best lubes for giving a handjob.
Added Sensation Lubes
Climax Bursts Tingling
If you are looking for something with a little more sensation and want a lube that does more than simply lubricate then Climax Bursts should be your go to.
What makes the Climax Bursts so special is the inclusion of a tingling sensation in the formula.
Unlike other lubes we have tested, Climax Bursts has a nice balance of added sensation to give an extra kick that is not overpowering. For those looking for something a little special, this is the best lube for giving a handjob.
Silicone Lubes
Silicone lubes are some of the best, high quality lube types you can use when giving a handjob. They are slick, long-lasting, and feel great to use.
As a drawback, though, silicone lubes can be harder to clean up and sometimes leave stains in sheet (which go away when washed) or an oily residue.
This means less time fussing around when doing the dirty (no need to re-lube half way through) but a slightly more involved clean-up. Regardless, silicone lubes are your best choice for general use.
Swiss Navy Silicone Lube
Swiss Navy is a fantastic all purpose lube that feels amazing when giving a handjob (or just for solo play).
It is slippery, and long-lasting and does not get tacky or leave behind an oily feeling like a lot of other lubes I have tested. In terms of feeling, when I used this for the first time it nearly sent me through the roof!
Swiss Navy really feels like the real thing.
The pump cap is also super easy to add more and a cinch to use one handed and helps so you don’t have to break up the fun. If you are are looking for a lube that will get the job done, and finish him fast, then look no further.
Pjur Original Body Glide Lube
We have featured Pjur on some of out previous lists for the best lubes. Simply put, whether you are masturbating, giving a hand job, or having sex Pjur is one of the best overall silicone based lubes you can buy period.
It feels amazing, with a great consistency and a super slippery feel.
And because it is nearly friction free there is virtually no heat. It’s a feeling that is a bit difficult to describe but put simply, will make him melt into the covers.
Pjur is a bit pricier than other silicone lubes because this is in the premium category , but you get what you pay for a truly premium feeling product.
Water Based Lubes
Smooth and Slick
Smooth and Slick is named rightly so it is a slippery smooth lube with an awesome glide, and most importantly feels great.
This is currently one of the highest rated lubes on the MQ store, and what makes this lube so popular is its simple no frills design, cheap price of about $17 a bottle for 8 lunches of lube, and longevity when compared to other water lubes out there.
Again, this lube does have a tendency to dry out (like any other water based lube) after extended use but is easily fixed with some water (or even a little spit).
Because of its low price and high performance it has gained its spot as on our list of the best lubes for giving a handjob.
www.maleq.org/the-best-lubes-for-giving-a-handjob/
Added Sensation Lubes
Climax Bursts Tingling
If you are looking for something with a little more sensation and want a lube that does more than simply lubricate then Climax Bursts should be your go to.
What makes the Climax Bursts so special is the inclusion of a tingling sensation in the formula.
Unlike other lubes we have tested, Climax Bursts has a nice balance of added sensation to give an extra kick that is not overpowering. For those looking for something a little special, this is the best lube for giving a handjob.
Silicone Lubes
Silicone lubes are some of the best, high quality lube types you can use when giving a handjob. They are slick, long-lasting, and feel great to use.
As a drawback, though, silicone lubes can be harder to clean up and sometimes leave stains in sheet (which go away when washed) or an oily residue.
This means less time fussing around when doing the dirty (no need to re-lube half way through) but a slightly more involved clean-up. Regardless, silicone lubes are your best choice for general use.
Swiss Navy Silicone Lube
Swiss Navy is a fantastic all purpose lube that feels amazing when giving a handjob (or just for solo play).
It is slippery, and long-lasting and does not get tacky or leave behind an oily feeling like a lot of other lubes I have tested. In terms of feeling, when I used this for the first time it nearly sent me through the roof!
Swiss Navy really feels like the real thing.
The pump cap is also super easy to add more and a cinch to use one handed and helps so you don’t have to break up the fun. If you are are looking for a lube that will get the job done, and finish him fast, then look no further.
Pjur Original Body Glide Lube
We have featured Pjur on some of out previous lists for the best lubes. Simply put, whether you are masturbating, giving a hand job, or having sex Pjur is one of the best overall silicone based lubes you can buy period.
It feels amazing, with a great consistency and a super slippery feel.
And because it is nearly friction free there is virtually no heat. It’s a feeling that is a bit difficult to describe but put simply, will make him melt into the covers.
Pjur is a bit pricier than other silicone lubes because this is in the premium category , but you get what you pay for a truly premium feeling product.
Water Based Lubes
Smooth and Slick
Smooth and Slick is named rightly so it is a slippery smooth lube with an awesome glide, and most importantly feels great.
This is currently one of the highest rated lubes on the MQ store, and what makes this lube so popular is its simple no frills design, cheap price of about $17 a bottle for 8 lunches of lube, and longevity when compared to other water lubes out there.
Again, this lube does have a tendency to dry out (like any other water based lube) after extended use but is easily fixed with some water (or even a little spit).
Because of its low price and high performance it has gained its spot as on our list of the best lubes for giving a handjob.
www.maleq.org/the-best-lubes-for-giving-a-handjob/
How to Give a Handjob Like a Pro
Hand-job, jacking off, wanking, slapping the salami, answering the bone phone it doesn’t matter what you call it giving the best job can be tough. There are so many types of penises, shapes and sizes, and no two guys are the same. That’s why we are here, to teach you how to give a handjob.
That’s why when you are learning how to give a handjob, you need to keep a few things in mind. Learn how to read the signs, and be flexible. A lot of it comes down to trial and error, but once you find a sweet spot you will be giving the best handjob he has ever had.
Cut or Uncut?
When you are still learning how to give a handjob this is something you really need to pay attention to. Everyone’s dick is a bit different, and this is going to change how you give a hand job and what things to pay attention too.
The first thing you need to think about is he cut and uncut? The difference between the two isn’t a complete game changer, but there are a few things that you need to change in your technique if you want to do things right.
Uncut Watch the Foreskin
A foreskin can both work for and against you. I think guys who are uncut are generally easier with because having a foreskin tends to reduce friction and makes giving a hand job without lube a bit easier.
But on the other hand, every foreskin is different, and depending on how tight his skin is, especially around the head of the penis, can change his sensitivity.
What do I mean by this? Some guys with a tighter foreskin have a much more limited range of motion so if you pull it down over the head of the penis could mean pain, not pleasure, so be extra careful to pay attention to this!
If you are unsure if something is hurting him, then simply ask!
Another thing to watch for with uncut guys is a much more sensitive penis head. This is because the foreskin is covering the top most of the time and is not being brushed up on. So be careful not to over stimulate here.
Change your Hand Placement
For people who are uncut things are a little different. Because there is less loose skin around the penis, jacking off can be a bit more of a challenge.
The easiest way to fix this I find is to keep your grip closer to the base of his penis, you can still jack him off without much of a problem, although you will generally have less range of motion.
Cut Keep a Rhythm
The most important thing to giving a good hand job is finding a steady rhythm and sticking to it. Having the right speed is important too slow and he won’t feel a thing, too fast and you’ll make his dick go numb!
Hand jobs are all about building to a climax, so if you stop or change your speed you can lose all of your progress to a finish. So it is important to keep at it and don’t stop!
Use Both Hands
You have two hands, so put them to good use! You can play with his balls, touch his nipples, or feel his body. The more you use your hands, the more you stimulate his senses – and the easier your hand “job becomes.
Make sure you are using all of your tools to his advantage!
If you want to get adventurous you can even do a two-hand hand job. I will be doing a follow-up article about different hand job techniques so be sure to check back soon.
Change Your Grip
Hand jobs go beyond just one grip or technique, and changing your grip can give an entirely different kind of experience.
The most basic and common grip is what I call the fist which is where you simply grab his dick with your thumb and pointer finger towards you, make a fist, and pump. This is good and all, but doesn’t do a lot to mix things up.
My personal go-to grip is the handshake. This is where you literally reach out like you are going to shake someones hand, but instead wrap your pointer finger under his balls, and your thumb and other three fingers around his dick.
I usually go with a looser grip and am careful not to squeeze too tight.
This lets you play with his balls and taint (area between the balls and butt) with your pointer finger and gives a much different sensation on his dick.
Communicate
Good communication seems so obvious, but it’s one point that most people ignore while having sex!
Are you going too fast? Too tight? Does it even feel good?
The simplest solution to all these questions is if you don’t know, then ask!
Communication also goes into reading body language and his physical reactions. Use your eyes and ears to read the air!
If you are doing something that is making him bunch his face into a knot, then take it as a hint to try something different.
If he is moaning for more, then it is probably a good idea to keep at it!
Things To Watch Out For
Speed and Intensity
I have met guys who like it super rough like jackrabbit speed, and I have found some to be super sensitive and are over stimulated easily.
One good tip is to pay attention to how fast he goes himself if you get to see him jack off, and try to replicate that. This could be for any sexual act he does. People will usually do to you what they think feels good for them so pay close attention.
Sensitive Spots
The Head
Like I mentioned before every guy is different. But I have found that there are a few sensitive spots that if played right, can work to your advantage.
The head of the penis is generally the most sensitive part, and a little stimulation can go a long way. When jacking off, try lightly brushing the underside of his penis head with you hand movement. This is the is bottom of his penis hole.
You don’t need to use a separate hand, just incorporate the moment into your grip. This tends to drive some guys wild, but can over do it for some, so ease into it.
The Balls
For some guys, it is all in the balls. Moving their balls at the same pace, (or sometimes super rough) can be a big turn on. Again, try playing with his balls, and move up the intensity gradually to see how he responds.
The more stimulation the better.
Get Things Wet
Cut or uncut, adding a lube to the mix can is how to give a handjob on a whole another level. Think about it, is real sex dry?
No.
It is wet and slippery, and that’s what we are programmed to respond to!
Adding a lube will increase sensation 10 fold, and is enough to make most guys cum in no time.
My go-to is Climax Bursts because of its added tingling sensation and its awesome feel.
If you are looking for a general all-purpose lube that is long lasting and easy to clean up then a water based lube like this is your best bet.
These work great because they don’t produce a lot of heat and won’t stain your sheets like oil and some silicone lubes. The down side is that they can dry out after a few minutes as the water evaporates, but a pro tip will magically come back to life with a little water (or spit).
And there you have it! Our take on how to give a handjob. You are now well on your way to giving the best handjob. With a little practice, trial and error, and most importantly, communication, you’ll be making him ask for more in no time.
www.maleq.org/how-to-give-a-handjob/
Give a Hickey Wihtout Leaving a Mark
I love kissing more than any other guy, and I love the feeling of getting a hickey. But here is something you might not realize if you give a hickey and if you leave a mark, then you are doing it WRONG!
Yes, there is something to be said about the marking your guy, saying This is mine!
But let’s be honest after the first time, hickeys are a pain in the ass! If anything, they make you look like you just fucked for the first time, or have absolutely no idea about what they are doing in bed.
So, let’s have a bit of re-education, and learn how to hickey without leaving your boyfriend embarrassed for the next week, and actually, improve your technique to feel BETTER than it ever did before!
Don’t Suck!
Yes yes, I know that we all have this innate instinct to suck suck suck! But what you are really doing is pulling blood to the surface of the skin and breaking tiny blood vessels leaving behind a purple mark. Yuck.
I know what you are probably thinking, That’s stupid, hickeys mean sucking!, but I want you to remember that names can be misleading just think about blowjobs, where if you actually “blow”, you would actually make a fool of yourself!
Here is no different. So let’s stop this bad habit here and now. Forget every notion you have about sucking and put this bad idea deep into the closet and lock it away!
Find His Sensitive Spot
The reason hickeys feel so good isn’t because of the sucking it is because you are actually stimulating a very sensitive part of your neck. The rush you get from the almost ticklish feeling is actually a protective instinct to protect your essential arteries. When you let someone get this close and this intimate, you are actually showing a level of trust, and this sensitivity is what makes it feel so good.
The key here is to stimulate these same nerves more intensely without damaging the skin.
Use Your Tounge
Your tongue can do magic, so put it to use! To get the effect we are looking for, you want to use your tongue to apply pressure. This means you need to stiffen it, and push in on his neck. The pressure is key don’t let it flop around like a dog.
And speaking of dogs, a little spit is ok, but don’t get him soaking wet (unless that is what he is into). You want to find a nice balance of pressure and movement that is powerful but not painful.
Next, use your tongue and massage the sides of his neck where his arteries run, working up from his clavicle to the lower part of his jaw. Put some passion and work in some kissing. The more energy and excitement you can give, the better and more turned on he will get!
Once you get the right balance you will absolutely drive him up a wall! When done right, it is one of the best feeling foreplay you can possibly give.
And there you go! No more ugly marks or embarrassing next day walks of shame. Best of all, your hickeys will feel better than they ever hid before!
www.maleq.org/give-hickey-wihtout-leaving-mark/
Yes, there is something to be said about the marking your guy, saying This is mine!
But let’s be honest after the first time, hickeys are a pain in the ass! If anything, they make you look like you just fucked for the first time, or have absolutely no idea about what they are doing in bed.
So, let’s have a bit of re-education, and learn how to hickey without leaving your boyfriend embarrassed for the next week, and actually, improve your technique to feel BETTER than it ever did before!
Don’t Suck!
Yes yes, I know that we all have this innate instinct to suck suck suck! But what you are really doing is pulling blood to the surface of the skin and breaking tiny blood vessels leaving behind a purple mark. Yuck.
I know what you are probably thinking, That’s stupid, hickeys mean sucking!, but I want you to remember that names can be misleading just think about blowjobs, where if you actually “blow”, you would actually make a fool of yourself!
Here is no different. So let’s stop this bad habit here and now. Forget every notion you have about sucking and put this bad idea deep into the closet and lock it away!
Find His Sensitive Spot
The reason hickeys feel so good isn’t because of the sucking it is because you are actually stimulating a very sensitive part of your neck. The rush you get from the almost ticklish feeling is actually a protective instinct to protect your essential arteries. When you let someone get this close and this intimate, you are actually showing a level of trust, and this sensitivity is what makes it feel so good.
The key here is to stimulate these same nerves more intensely without damaging the skin.
Use Your Tounge
Your tongue can do magic, so put it to use! To get the effect we are looking for, you want to use your tongue to apply pressure. This means you need to stiffen it, and push in on his neck. The pressure is key don’t let it flop around like a dog.
And speaking of dogs, a little spit is ok, but don’t get him soaking wet (unless that is what he is into). You want to find a nice balance of pressure and movement that is powerful but not painful.
Next, use your tongue and massage the sides of his neck where his arteries run, working up from his clavicle to the lower part of his jaw. Put some passion and work in some kissing. The more energy and excitement you can give, the better and more turned on he will get!
Once you get the right balance you will absolutely drive him up a wall! When done right, it is one of the best feeling foreplay you can possibly give.
And there you go! No more ugly marks or embarrassing next day walks of shame. Best of all, your hickeys will feel better than they ever hid before!
www.maleq.org/give-hickey-wihtout-leaving-mark/
How To Be A Good Top
Hi,
I just found your blog and really appreciate it. I came out late in life, and although I’ve had a couple of boyfriends by now, we didn’t do anything more than help each other get off a few times. I’m newly single now and want to start having a sex life.
Although I’ve never fully done it, I consider myself versatile. Both aspects of anal intercourse appeal to me some guys make me want to give it to them, and some make me want to bend over and take it from them. Even with my ex, we would spoon each other back and forth, switching positions depending on our moods or emotional needs.
I read through your articles about bottoming for the first time, but I wonder about the how-to’s of topping. It feels like there’s this idea out there that all tops need to do is flip a guy over and go at it, and the bottoms have to do all the prep work. It’s like old heteronormative binary gender roles are seeping into a queer practice the male just gets horny and sticks it in, and the female has to be the one speaking up to make sure it feels right, and cleaning up before and after.
If I’m going to top a guy, I want to know how to do it right for maximum safety, pleasure, and respect for us both. It just seems like the grown-up thing to do. Could you write an article about that? Tops should be as thoughtful about what they do as bottoms.
Thanks!
Hey there,
As for your question, you are totally right. Surprisingly, you are not the first person to contact me personally about this question. I have been meaning to put up an article about how to be a good top ( I am in the process of writing it now so stick around for a more in-depth guide). In the mean-time I can give a quick low down on the dos and don’ts for being a good top.
Speaking from personal experience, knowing how to be top really comes down to knowing what it is like to be a bottom. I am verse myself, so I have plenty of experience with both roles, and I can tell you that most of the advice I am going to give you comes from some experiences (good and bad) from being on the bottom.
One of the things I emphasize time and time again is the importance of communication. This is both verbal and physical. If you are on top, you need to be in touch with how your partner is feeling, even before you have sex!
Is he nervous? Excited? Worried? Are things going too fast?
If you are unsure, just ask!
I know it may feel awkward or unnatural to talk, but sex, especially for the first time, is not like porn.
Advice number 2: Use plenty of lube (Like LOTS) , and throw in some foreplay to help him relax. This can be rimming, fingering, or just grazing his ass with your dick. Get him in the mood, and loosen things up first.
Next, when you are really ready to go in, go slowly. If it really is his first time, then you need to go SLOWLY.
Not inch by inch, but MILLIMETER BY MILLIMETER.
Start with the tip, wait, pull pack a bit. Go in a bit again to the same spot, wait, and pull back slowly.
You should do this all while asking him how he feels, and each time you push in (GENTLY) little by little, let him relax, make sure he is OK, and make sure things don’t hurt.
This may go on for 5 or 10 minutes but I can’t emphasize enough, this is a super strange and unfamiliar experience, especially for his first time, so go slow and steady. Once you both work in the head and maybe about half way, its ok to pause and let his body relax.
Make sure you are using plenty of lube all the while (more is better). At this point if he is comfortable he shouldn’t be as tense and you can start to have sex, going in and out, again working your way in further little by little.
From here, don’t start going full speed unless he says so, and you can physically see that he is OK.
Make sure to stay in touch with him, and remember, if he is uncomfortable, it is ok to stop and try again a different day.
At this point if he looks comfortable and he says he is OK then you should be all set.
If you follow these steps, go slowly, communicate, and work together, things should work out just fine.
www.maleq.org/how-to-be-a-good-top/
How to Make Your Dick Look Bigger
There are a lot of gimmicks out there about how to make your dick bigger, from pills, to weights, to exotic herbs, but the sad fact is, aside from surgery or pretty extreme medical procedures, there is no real way to make your dick bigger. To put it frankly, we are stuck with the goods we were born with. But how can you make your dick look bigger?
Despite this there are still many tequiniqes you can use to maximize on the length you were naturally born with. And although none of these will really make your dick bigger by any literal measure, they can go a long way (pun intended) to making your cock look bigger. So let’s get to it how to make your dick look bigger.
Shave
This one is about as simple and straight forward as they get. If you want your dick to look bigger, you need to show as much of the little fella’ as possible.
That means trimming up those hedges and get your full penile length on display. If you are extra hairy, this could add a good 2-3 centimeters, plus you will look much cleaner and well groomed.
Loose Weight
A funny thing happens when you loose wight. That extra skin in your stomach and groin which has snuck outward over time can actually begin to move back and show off more of your natural length.
Not only will loosing a few pounds help to make you look more healthy and fit, but it can actually lengthen the visible length of your cock, both soft and hard.
Increase Blood Flow to Make Your Dick Look Bigger
There are lots of things you can do to increase blood flow, but the main idea here is that the better your circulation. the harder your dick can get in-turn maximizing your dicks visible size.
Regular physical exercise is one of the easiest ways to improve blood flow and boost testosterone, giving you a rock-hard cock.
But there are also other techniques and exercises you can do to increase blood flow to the penis specifically.
Jelqing
If you have never heard of it before, Jelqing in a type of penis massage used to help improve blood flow and give you harder erections.
Often used for older men or guys who struggle with ED, Jelqing can also be used by anyone looking you improve the firmness and length of their erections.
The basic concept is to massage a semi-erect penis, starting from the base and pulling blood the the tip of your penis. This helps to exercise your penile tissue and extend your penis to its maximum natural length.
To start, use any lube you would typically use for masturbation, and get your dick to a 50-75% erection level.
It is important not to be too hard or this process can be a bit painful which we want to avoid.
Grip the base of your dick with your thumb and pointer finger in a circle (the OK grip), and squeeze at the base so your penis becomes hard.
Hold the pressure and move your hard upwards pushing your erection toward the head and stop at the base of the head. You should feel the pressure through out your dick like a hard erection. It is ok to feel pressure, but you should not feel pain.
Repeat this process for about 75-100 stroke, 5 minutes everyday, and you should begin to see a change in your erections.
Use a Penis Pump
Penis pumps work in much the same way as Jelqing by creating a pressure difference, pulling blood from the base to the head of the penis.
Many people might see penis pumps as a gimmick, which is true in that they will not make your dick bigger.
But penis pumps are a great way how to make your dick look bigger.
What a penis pump will do is improve the hardness of your erections overtime which can increase the perception of your maximum penis length.
Using a penis pump will get you very similar results as Jelqing, but you can achieve a higher level of hardness faster, and have a better amount of control.
Wear a Cock Ring
One final tool you have at your disposal to make your dick look bigger is to wear a cock ring.
Cock rings are designed to be work at the base of your dick and make you erections harder and can also make you last longer.
Cock rings are especially useful for people who are able to get an erection, but have a hard time getting their maximum firmness.
Cock rings come in a variety of materials and sizes from smooth metal, to elastic silicone bands. Which cock ring you choose comes down to your personal preference.
www.maleq.org/how-to-make-your-dick-look-bigger/
Bleeding After Anal Sex What to Do
Seeing blood after sex can be a very scary thing. Bleeding after anal sex is most commonly due to fissures, or small tears on the inside wall of the colon tissue. These can be very painful and make sex or going to the bathroom and future sex very uncomfortable.
In order to deal with bleeding and minimize pain there are a few simple things you can do to both stop the problem now and make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future.
Keep The Area Clean
The first thing you should do if you do have tearing or bleeding is to clean the affected area. Like with any other injury consistent hygiene is the first step to healing.
I recommend taking a shower with warm water and using clean finger with clipped finger nails to wash away any excess blood or lubricant.
It will hurt, but it is important to prevent more pain in the future. The key is to be gentle. Slowly push outward with your abdominal muscles inner wall of the colon is exposed.
Wash the area well. Do not use soap for the first rinse as this will irritate the area and cause further discomfort.
Warm water works surprisingly well and will help you relax and cause some relief.
It is very important to try and do this everyday until the fissure has healed completely. It will sting, but it will make the process of healing a lot faster.
Also, if you are able to, be sure to clean the fissure after you use the bathroom too. It may seem like a lot of worse, but the best thing you can do is provide as much care as possible early on.
Use an Anal Relaxant
When going to the bathroom, I have found that applying a little lube before can also help make your next few days a lot less painful.
One of my saving graces has been Pour Backdoor. It does a great job lubricating the area and the relaxing feature makes using the bathroom while dealing with fissures much easier.
Also, using anal relaxants are a great way to avoid fissures in the first place if you are extra tight or prone to getting them.
Lastly, make sure to get plenty of sleep. Rest will promote healing and will let your body rest and rejuvenate. If you keep on top of these steps then you should notice a big difference in a few days.
If the bleeding gets worse, or continues for more than three days, you may want to look into using medications such as nitroglycerin cream to help treat the cut.
If it has been almost a week you should contact a doctor, but in most cases you should be healed up before then.
Avoiding Fissures
Fissures occur when too much stress is placed on the colon wall, specifically the inner sphincter muscle when it stretches too much, too quickly.
As I have mentioned time and time again, anal sex should not hurt and if it does, then you are doing something wrong. Discomfort is one thing, but pain is not good. The key to avoiding fissure is to slow down, relax and use plenty of lube.
Eat Right and Keep Hydrated
Eating right and drinking enough water has a big effect on your colon health and can have a big role in how prone you are to fissures and bleeding. The key is to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and to avoid processed and fatty foods.
Foods high in fiber promote good digestive health and help keep inner tissues healthy. The stronger your colon wall, the better prepared you will be for sex. You should be drinking water regularly throughout the day, and do your best to stay properly hydrated.
Be sure to also take your time when using the bathroom. Straining is not good and can weaken your inner tissue or even make small tears even before having sex. Small fissures also have the potential to get worse with time.
You should also avoid drinking a lot of alcohol. Alcohol lowers your body’s ability to repair itself quickly and is generally not good for your digestive system and immune system.
This doesn’t mean you can’t drink, just limit yourself. Also avoid drinking before sex as this will make you less sensitive to pain, and therefore more prone to injury.
Go Slowly
Tearing happens most often when you or your partner rushes while entering. Not being in the right state of my will lead to bad results. Also be sure to communicate with your partner while having sex.
Take it slowly, use plenty of lube and do not rush. Remember, if it hurts, you are probably doing something wrong.
Bleeding After Anal Sex: Things to Remember:
Maintain a Healthy Diet
Drink Plenty of Water
Avoid Alcohol
Do Not Strain When Using the Bathroom
Clean the Affected Area Often
During Sex Use Plenty of Lube and Be Sure to Go Slowly
If Bleeding Persists Contact a Doctor
As long as you follow these steps closely you should heal very quickly. Remember that the best way to prevent bleeding after anal sex and treat fissures is to not get them in the first place.
www.maleq.org/bleeding-after-anal-sex-what-to-do/
In order to deal with bleeding and minimize pain there are a few simple things you can do to both stop the problem now and make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future.
Keep The Area Clean
The first thing you should do if you do have tearing or bleeding is to clean the affected area. Like with any other injury consistent hygiene is the first step to healing.
I recommend taking a shower with warm water and using clean finger with clipped finger nails to wash away any excess blood or lubricant.
It will hurt, but it is important to prevent more pain in the future. The key is to be gentle. Slowly push outward with your abdominal muscles inner wall of the colon is exposed.
Wash the area well. Do not use soap for the first rinse as this will irritate the area and cause further discomfort.
Warm water works surprisingly well and will help you relax and cause some relief.
It is very important to try and do this everyday until the fissure has healed completely. It will sting, but it will make the process of healing a lot faster.
Also, if you are able to, be sure to clean the fissure after you use the bathroom too. It may seem like a lot of worse, but the best thing you can do is provide as much care as possible early on.
Use an Anal Relaxant
When going to the bathroom, I have found that applying a little lube before can also help make your next few days a lot less painful.
One of my saving graces has been Pour Backdoor. It does a great job lubricating the area and the relaxing feature makes using the bathroom while dealing with fissures much easier.
Also, using anal relaxants are a great way to avoid fissures in the first place if you are extra tight or prone to getting them.
Lastly, make sure to get plenty of sleep. Rest will promote healing and will let your body rest and rejuvenate. If you keep on top of these steps then you should notice a big difference in a few days.
If the bleeding gets worse, or continues for more than three days, you may want to look into using medications such as nitroglycerin cream to help treat the cut.
If it has been almost a week you should contact a doctor, but in most cases you should be healed up before then.
Avoiding Fissures
Fissures occur when too much stress is placed on the colon wall, specifically the inner sphincter muscle when it stretches too much, too quickly.
As I have mentioned time and time again, anal sex should not hurt and if it does, then you are doing something wrong. Discomfort is one thing, but pain is not good. The key to avoiding fissure is to slow down, relax and use plenty of lube.
Eat Right and Keep Hydrated
Eating right and drinking enough water has a big effect on your colon health and can have a big role in how prone you are to fissures and bleeding. The key is to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and to avoid processed and fatty foods.
Foods high in fiber promote good digestive health and help keep inner tissues healthy. The stronger your colon wall, the better prepared you will be for sex. You should be drinking water regularly throughout the day, and do your best to stay properly hydrated.
Be sure to also take your time when using the bathroom. Straining is not good and can weaken your inner tissue or even make small tears even before having sex. Small fissures also have the potential to get worse with time.
You should also avoid drinking a lot of alcohol. Alcohol lowers your body’s ability to repair itself quickly and is generally not good for your digestive system and immune system.
This doesn’t mean you can’t drink, just limit yourself. Also avoid drinking before sex as this will make you less sensitive to pain, and therefore more prone to injury.
Go Slowly
Tearing happens most often when you or your partner rushes while entering. Not being in the right state of my will lead to bad results. Also be sure to communicate with your partner while having sex.
Take it slowly, use plenty of lube and do not rush. Remember, if it hurts, you are probably doing something wrong.
Bleeding After Anal Sex: Things to Remember:
Maintain a Healthy Diet
Drink Plenty of Water
Avoid Alcohol
Do Not Strain When Using the Bathroom
Clean the Affected Area Often
During Sex Use Plenty of Lube and Be Sure to Go Slowly
If Bleeding Persists Contact a Doctor
As long as you follow these steps closely you should heal very quickly. Remember that the best way to prevent bleeding after anal sex and treat fissures is to not get them in the first place.
www.maleq.org/bleeding-after-anal-sex-what-to-do/
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