How Do I Know if I’m a Bottom? Part I
Bottoming 101: Navigating shame, fear, curiosity, and — of course — pleasureMy first sexual experience happened in a hotel room while other guys in my church youth group slept. He touched me. I touched him. We were trembling. In that moment, “bottoming” wasn’t a concept that I understood in any appreciable way. Years later, I would learn my sexual vocabulary — words that divided my desire into roles like “top,” “versatile,” and “bottom.” With these roles came skills to develop, stereotypes to navigate, misconceptions to address, and a surprising amount of cultural shame.
Getting better at bottoming required me to see through all that, and trust my experience. In my mind, I continuously returned to that first experience. It felt right because it was right. It was the opposite of shame — it was my body doing what it needed to do.
Today, bottoming is an awesome part of my life. I’m proud of the sex I have and enjoy helping others discover what they love — no shame allowed. If you want to try bottoming, here are five pointers to get you started, with more to come in part two.
How do I know if I am a bottom?
What does being a “bottom” mean to you? Well, first of all, you don’t have to “be” anything. You don’t have to make something you enjoy sexually part of your identity.
I love bottoming and want people I’m sexually interested in to know that. Calling myself a bottom has pros and cons. On one hand, I have an easier time finding tops — guys who enjoy taking the active role in sex. On the other hand, putting myself in a box is frustrating when I want to top. (In my experience, most people are versatile in the right situation, or with the right person — I am.)
These labels make finding sex partners easier. That’s all they do. They don’t define an essential part of you unless you want them to. Before hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff established these words as standard sex vocabulary, queer men used discreet street coding — colored hankies, certain types of clothing — to discreetly tell each other what kind of sex they were looking for and which role (top or bottom, dominant or submissive) they wanted to take.
These words help sex happen. They are not cages you have to live your life in.
How do I know if I will enjoy bottoming?
Bottoming is usually not extremely fun on its first attempts. For many, bottoming is uncomfortable in the beginning. All sex is awkward when you don’t know what you’re doing.
But don’t give up. With practice comes pleasure. Once you get the hang of it, bottoming feels great.
Is bottoming safe?
Anal sex has just as much risk as vaginal sex for unwanted sexually transmitted infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, and since HIV is more common among certain populations (transgender women of color and men who have sex with men), anal sex poses a higher risk of HIV transmission for these people.
I’m a man who has sex with men, including trans men, and I see transgender women and queer people of color as essential members of my LGBTQ+ family. I am also HIV-positive. In cultural discourse, HIV is widely associated with my community — so much so that many beginners who want to try bottoming refrain from doing so because they think it’s an extremely dangerous, high-risk activity.
That’s not true. All sex — bottoming, topping, sucking, handjobs — involves risk. Learning about those risks and taking the necessary steps to minimize them (protecting yourself and playing smartly) gives you the freedom to enjoy bottoming without fear.
I discuss these risks and how to protect yourself in part two of this guide.
Can two bottoms be in a relationship?
Yes they can. My boyfriend leans bottom, and so do I. I love fucking him, and he loves fucking me, but sometimes (often) we both prefer to get fucked — and we do, by other guys.
The concept of non-monogamy might not be something you’re ready to think about right now, but at some point you will discover an awesome part of gay male culture: We are masters of nontraditional, non-monogamous, polyamorous, and “open” relationships.
We were trailblazers in the “free love” movement, and have a long history of enjoying long-term, successful relationships between guys who both “play for the same team.” If you connect with someone, don’t immediately assume that your perceived sexual “incompatibility” is a deal-breaker. Talk about it. Try to make it work.
Why do I feel ashamed of bottoming?
You’ve probably been told bottoming makes you “the girl,” or makes you “more gay.” We live in a misogynistic, patriarchal culture in which feminized men often get shamed, and men getting fucked is seen by many as the ultimate act of feminization.
Maybe you’re still dealing with some self-acceptance issues, and the concept of being “more gay” is uncomfortable, because you don’t want to be “more gay.” You may not even want to “be gay” at all.
First things first: there is nothing wrong with being feminine. There’s also nothing wrong with being gay. Even if you don’t believe that now, give it time, and spend as much time as you can among your people — other LGBTQ+ folks. We will help you.
What you enjoy sexually says nothing about your social importance, your power, your masculinity, your femininity, your gender identity, your attractiveness, your desirability, or your “worth.” It’s just sex. Enjoy it. Do what feels good.
www.them.us/story/guide-to-bottoming-part-1
How Do I Bottom? Part II
Before I discovered porn, I thought bottoming was impossible — a myth that guys on my Varsity football team used to tease each other about, but one I didn’t actually believe. A penis can’t really go in a butt, right? Then I found a video. I watched it slide in, move in and out — fucking — and saw that full, terrifyingly painful stroke, tip to balls, in a man’s ass for the first time. That moment sealed the truth: Bottoming was real, and I had no clue how to do it.That brings me to my my first piece of advice for anyone looking to bottom: Do not compare your experience to porn. When my first sex attempts didn’t happen like porn, I assumed I was doing something wrong. Your first experience won’t be like porn. Your second experience won’t be, either. In fact, most of your sex life won’t resemble porn — because porn isn’t reality. Porn creates an impossible fantasy, one that porn stars themselves can’t do in real life. I’ve worked on professional porn sets and can assure you: All the messes, failures, half-starts, and struggles happen in porn, too. They just get edited out.
In part one of this guide to bottoming, I explored fundamental questions surrounding the act — “Am I a bottom?” — along with how to mentally and emotionally prepare for receptive anal sex. Now I’ll talk about what you need to do to prepare physically — the mechanics, safety tips, and ass care information you need to know.
How do I prepare to bottom?
Many people douche before bottoming, meaning they use water to clean the lower part of their rectum — the space in your butt just inside your hole — to flush out any poop before sex. An easy way to do this is to buy an enema. A disposable one purchased at a drugstore or pharmacy will do the trick (don’t forget that many are filled with laxatives, which you must empty and replace with water before using), or a larger squeeze bulb with a plastic or silicone nozzle, purchased from a sex novelty shop or online.
As your skill develops, your douching regimen will probably change. You’ll discover what kind of douche you want to use, learn different cleaning methods, or find that you don’t really need (or want) to douche at all. Many people don’t, and you don’t always need to douche to have an enjoyable experience bottoming.
What you eat plays a major role in how “clean” your butt can be. If you eat a high-fiber, veggie-heavy diet and avoid excessive red meat, your poop will be less messy and more “together,” meaning the douching process will be minimal — which is what you want. Some people with careful diets skip the douching process altogether and are naturally “ready to go” (vegetarians and vegans especially). Incorporating a fiber supplement like Metamucil into your diet can help. Most people do not consume enough fiber, which is vital to your overall gastrointestinal health (and makes anal sex easier and less messy — double win!).
When you’re new to douching, go slow. Lube up the tip of your enema with a body-safe lubricant (I recommend silicone-based lube), and slowly insert the nozzle into your hole. Gently squeeze the bulb and slowly fill your butt with water. Note: You don’t need to squirt a huge amount of water up there, at least not when you’re a beginner. More advanced forms of sex require more extensive cleaning regimens, which do require more water, but that’s not for beginners. When you’re starting off, there’s no need to empty the bulb. You don’t need much.
Some safety tips: Go slow! Also, don’t stick the nozzle all the way in — there’s no need to, and you can hurt yourself if you’re not gentle enough. And make sure you try to release all the water into the toilet when you’re done — water left in your butt can cause discomfort later on.
Don’t freak out if you can’t get totally clean. Anal sex always involves some likelihood that you’ll encounter poop. Yes, you can get pretty clean, but cleaning out is not a requirement for bottoming. Many people, including some medical professionals, recommend skipping douching in the first place, washing your butt with soap and water, putting a towel down, and simply cleaning up any mess after. No matter what you choose to do, you cannot completely control your body. Just enjoy it.
What happens if I’m not clean?
Then you’re not clean. Don’t panic. Don’t call yourself — or your sex — a “failure.” You will have many sexual experiences in your life where you'll think you're clean until your body has other plans. It’s not a failure. Your body is simply doing what it does.
You can clean and clean for hours and still not be totally “clean.” But you shouldn’t clean for hours and hours in the first place. Flushing your butt can disrupt and dry out the good bacteria in your colon that you need to process waste, so cleaning for too long isn’t healthy. You also shouldn’t douche every day for this reason. Remember: You can’t control your body.
The only thing you can control is what you eat, and eating a healthy diet that’s high in fiber and low in red meat will make your cleaning process much easier.
Does bottoming hurt?
It might on your first attempt. Bottoming is rarely a delightful experience in the beginning, because you don’t know what you’re doing. Why does it hurt? Because the anal walls have to expand to accommodate a penis, dildo, or other object, and that can be painful — especially when you’re new to the sensation. But don’t worry; once you get better at it, it feels great.
No sex is perfect when you’re a beginner. That’s why you need practice. Also, there are ways you can train your butt muscles to relax, stretch, and make the experience easier (see the last question of this guide).
Some people recommend taking a deep breath when your sexual partner first enters you. Others recommend “pushing out” while someone is fucking you. While these classic first-timer techniques to minimize pain have certainly helped many folks relax, they’re not the first ones I recommend.
I’ve trained several first-timers for bottoming (as well as for more extreme forms of anal sex play), and here’s my best suggestion: While your sexual partner gently slides a finger in, take ten deep breaths, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. “Squeeze” their finger with your butt, hold the squeeze for a few seconds, and then relax. Repeat this a few times while you mentally “check in” with the body. In your mind, start with the top of your head and slowly relax your muscles, “scanning” down your spine, down your legs, and ending at your hole. Close your eyes and picture your butt, and picture it opening, expanding like a circle. Keep “gripping” and releasing their finger until you’re ready for them to add another finger. Work up to two fingers, then three, until you feel comfortable gripping them — in control, powerful, flexing your butt muscle.
Tell them when you’re ready to try their dick, dildo, or any other sex toy in your arsenal. Breathe slowly and lead. You’re in control. You tell your partner when to move, when to go forward, when to stop, when to move again. Just as you did with their fingers: Grip, release. Grip, release. Breathe deeply and slowly, and guide them into you.
How do I protect myself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections?
Micro-tears in the anus happen pretty easily when you have anal sex. The walls of the rectum (the inside of your butt) are delicate. If you’re new to bottoming and haven’t trained your butt to relax, your risk of tearing and pain is higher.
Some tears are worse than others. Most are pretty painless and heal up quickly on their own. More severe ones are called “fissures,” and these you will probably feel. They may itch, sting, or burn when you try to have sex or use the bathroom. Fissures usually heal on their own, too, but it’s still a good idea to see a doctor you trust, who knows what kind of sex you’re having.
While micro-tears or fissures are rarely very painful, they become open gateways for infection. Unprotected bottoming is a high-risk activity for sexually transmitted infections like HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and more. This is why it’s important to protect yourself.
PrEP is a once-a-day pill you can take to prevent HIV infection. So far, the only drug approved for PrEP is Truvada, but more drugs are on the way. Condoms are also incredibly effective at preventing STIs like chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea, and the combination of condoms and PrEP greatly reduce your risk of contracting all of these.
Other STIs, like oral and genital herpes and HPV, are so common that if you’ve had any amount of sex, you may have already been exposed to them. Most sexually active adults have some strain of HPV. That said, you should talk to your doctor about getting the three-part Gardasil vaccine for HPV, even if you’ve already been sexually active. For people who haven’t had sex yet, Gardasil vaccinates them against strains of HPV most commonly associated with certain types of cancer. Even if you’ve already been very sexually active, Gardasil is still recommended to fight future strains of cancer-associated HPV.
Get your body and your butt regularly inspected by a doctor for warts and other signs that you might have an infection. If you’re having sex, you should get a full-range STI test every three months, minimum. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you won’t know you have them, so it’s important that you get tested often, especially if you’re HIV-negative.
How do I get better at bottoming?
Improving your sex skills takes time, practice, and — in my opinion — some butt training. Not every bottom trains their butt to prepare for the experience, but I did. After I learned to enjoy the sensation of my ass opening and stretching, my skills drastically improved, and sex finally became really fun.
Buy a small butt plug (no larger than an inch in diameter), preferably one made of smooth, soft silicone. Lube it up generously (with silicone toys, use water-based lube), and slowly slide it in. Concentrate on the feeling of the stretch and slowly — slowly! — get comfortable with it. If you feel pain, stop, breathe, relax, and continue when you’re ready.
Once the plug is all the way in, take a deep breath, adjust to the feeling of it being inside you, and slowly — slowly! — pull it back out. Breathe, relax, and repeat. (Pro tip: This is way more fun with a playmate you trust, who is patient and will listen to your needs.)
You will probably find — as I did — that after you stop clenching and finally relax your butt, the feeling of your hole opening feels really good. And then it feels great. After working with the same small plug for a few weeks (or as long as it takes to feel enjoyable), try a slightly bigger butt plug. If it’s too much, stick with the smaller one until you’re ready. Gradually build size and speed, and above all else, focus on enjoying the feeling. If it’s not enjoyable at any point, stop.
Here’s what you’re doing: You’re training your hole to open, and you’re training your mind to relax and enjoy it. Your body has an impulsive reaction of tightening your muscles and clenching when something feels uncomfortable. Training your mind and body to not clench — to relax, to trust the person you’re playing with, and to feel pleasure — is the most awesome part of the journey.
www.them.us/story/guide-to-bottoming-part-2
