Cruising @ Real World

Pubs clubs and bars

Pubs, clubs and bars are an obvious place to meet friends and are still among the easiest places to find other gay men, though the massive increase in the use of apps has hammered the traditional gay scene hard. We will eventually realise what we’ve done and may well bitterly regret the time we turned our backs on our scene.

The skills we use for cruising, meeting and chatting-up are pretty universal and can be adapted for use just about anywhere. Above all, if you go out thinking you’re going to find ‘him’ you are likely to be disappointed. The air of desperation is easily recognised and drives many men away.

Go with the flow, relax and enjoy yourself. You’ll be a much better mood, you’ll communicate better and if you don’t pick up it’ll be a case of “so what… there’s always tomorrow” rather than beating yourself up over failure.

• Say hello to security on the door as you walk in – you never know when you might need them.
• A lot of bar etiquette is macho stuff inherited from traditional pub culture where you can only ‘be a man’ if you look tough and drink a man’s drink; it’s against this we can be measured. You should drink exactly what you want, although bear in mind that certain combinations may make you less-looked-for cruising material. When was the last time you saw a skinhead with a piña colada, or a drag queen holding a pint of Guinness. In fact, we’ve seen both and they were tremendous!
• If you smoke, make sure your pack is to hand and you’re not wrestling with a drink and lighter (through some guys are very skilled).
• Find a place that gives you a decent view of what’s going on, but, if it’s busy, avoid the main thoroughfares to and from the bar, coat-check, toilets, dance floor and loudspeakers.
• A busy venue is not necessarily a great place to cruise. If the venue’s packed with punters moving around like herds of cattle it can be difficult to both see and be seen.
• Guys are likely to look at you so, even if you’re shy, try to acknowledge them with a friendly look or smile rather than looking as if you’ve lost a contact lens at the bottom of your glass.
• By all means move around, but not so much as to appear desperate or nervous. Someone could be looking for you, and staying in a couple of regular spots improves his chances of finding you.
• Difficult though this might be to believe, you can’t cruise everyone! So identify a few guys and concentrate on them.

Chatting up

The key to chatting up a guy is patience but, since we’re usually thinking with our dicks and driven by an uncontrollable urge to shift our load by morning, we can move very fast.

Unfortunately, this can be at the expense of some common sense stuff that can help a first meeting get off to a flying start. On some of the larger scenes we can also compromise our chances: if one guy doesn’t fit the bill within a nanosecond, we move on to the next. This sort of behaviour can become habitual and you’ll miss out on some great men.

Unless you’re carving notches on the bed post, it’s the quality not the quantity that counts. How we connect with other men varies enormously but if you like someone let him know. If you don’t he’ll never know what he’s missing. The looks… the glances… the ‘ballet’ around the venue to find better vantage points (from which to see or be seen) or to engineer a close encounter… are all part of the ritual to reduce the possibility of rejection. (Of course, if we could handle the rejection better, more of us would go straight up to a guy, say hello, and take it from there).

We often aim to find a balance between showing interest, casually ignoring him, and making our intentions clear. Eventually though you should do something about it, if only to spare yourself the nagging doubt as you go home alone.

Many of us have developed our own individual styles of chatting to and picking up men and so the following suggestions may seem contrived. But, if you go through the following points, you’ll probably pick at least one thing you could do better (apart from him).
Everyone has an opening line and it’s not as if we haven’t heard them all before – particularly the crap ones. Even if it’s terrible, you’ve plucked up the courage to say “Hi!” and that’s more than he’s done if he’s just standing there waiting for you to make the first move. However, just for the record, here are a few chat-up lines that didn’t quite work out as intended:

• “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?” “It’s a gun.”
• “What would it take to get a kiss from you?” “Chloroform.”
• “My friends have told me about you…” “What friends?”
• “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” “The one I was having before you came over.”
• “Got a light?” “Yes.”

In the first instance, conversation should be easy-going and relaxed and any questions should be straightforward. If you start with something clever or devastatingly witty you may catch him off-guard or put him on the spot. He may then feel he needs to match you and if he’s shy or out of practice then you’ve immediately put him at a disadvantage. On the other hand, some guys do it to sort out the men from the boys, so if it works for you do it – but you know the risks. Here are our chatting up tips:

• Your voice should be friendly, confident and relaxed – not pushy, smarmy or over-eager
• Find out his name, remember it, use it every now then and don’t forget it
• Keep the eye contact going
• Get him to talk about himself but don’t turn it into an interrogation or forget that you’re part of this too
• If you don’t want to talk to him be polite, firm and honest
• Consider your body language and observe his. Unless he’s been explicit about what he wants, don’t get too close in the first instance. Believe it or not we all need some time to get accustomed to being in each other’s space. Instinct and practice will let you know when it’s time to get closer, particularly if his hand wanders on to your arse or crotch.
• Mirroring each other’s body language can also help relax you both. For example, taking a drink when he drinks and re-positioning yourself when he does generates a comfortable rhythm between you. Mind you, it needs to be casual – not a comedy routine.

Rejection

Indications that you’re not onto a winner usually include minimal eye contact and/or his eyes scanning men other than you, one word replies, the tone of his voice, or an unwillingness to initiate or respond to conversation. If he turns you down, don’t necessarily think that it’s you; it could be for a number of reasons:

• He’s already got plans
• He’s drunk
• He’s got a boyfriend
• He’s just broken up
• He’s just had sex
• He’s nervous or shy
• He’s not in the mood
• He’s on drugs
• He’s not good enough for you
• He’s got a STI
• Maybe you just don’t turn him on

How to make ‘no’ nice

If you’re not interested in a guy who’s obviously got you in his sights, it goes a long way to be polite when saying ‘No’.
OK, you may want tell the guy to stop bothering you, but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: how would you feel? You should always aim to make a polite getaway. Speak firmly to make it clear that the conversation is over but – if you can – smile genuinely. This way no one is made to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. We’ve all been there so don’t do it to others.
If he won’t go away and you’ve shown him every reasonable courtesy, then tell him to… [in your own words].

Cruising the streets

Meeting guys on the street happens all the time, but while the theory is simple, the practice requires a little more balls and timing. So, if you see a guy you like, here are a few handy tips:

• First things first, check your ‘gaydar’ (that exclusive sixth sense only known to gay men). Looks can be deceptive, and many straight men dress gay for fashion.
• Depending on the distance between you, you may need to change your angle of approach to ensure you pass by. Be casual, and if you’re unfamiliar with the art of subtlety it’s possibly best not to try. As you near each other look straight into his eyes in friendly non-threatening manner. If he does the same – and any longer than is usual between strangers – continue to look at him as you pass him.
• Now this is the hard part. At what point do you look over your shoulder to see if he’s doing the same? When you’re doing it he might only be thinking about it or he could be doing it while you’re making up your mind! Hopefully, five or ten paces on, you’ll both do it at the same time. If not, you’ll never know what you missed, quite literally.
• If he’s doing the same, you’ll both pretend not to cruise when in fact you both know what you’re both doing. Your heart pounds as you work out who’s going to make the next move. A friendly smile, a casual remark or a straight forward “Hi!” can break the ice but it does help if one of you has the courage to speak. His body language, his voice and facial expression should all tell you whether he’s interested or not.
• If, after talking to him, you change your mind, you should make a clean polite getaway. “Nice to meet you” or “see you around” and a friendly smile will usually do it, but say it as you’re leaving so as to make it clear that the encounter is over.

Street safety

When you are out and about, it’s easy to forget personal safety and that assaults on gay men still happen. If you’re on the street or on your local cruising ground, remember:

• Keep your wits about you
• Don’t over engage with everyone you meet
• Try to avoid being on your own in an unfamiliar area, especially if you are drunk or have taken recreational drugs. Be vigilant when leaving gay venues
• Always walk with a purpose, head up, and as if you know where you’re going. Be alert. Know who or what is behind you at all times. If you think you’re being followed, cross the road to check. If possible keep to well lit and peopled streets
• If you feel threatened, try to attract attention or go into a shop, a pub, even knock on a door using the premise that you’re looking for someone who you thought lived at the address.
• If you think there is going to be trouble – get out. Think about how you might defend yourself if you had to – screaming, shouting, and/or running. (If available, self-defence courses are excellent for teaching you disabling tactics)
• If you can, carry a whistle or attack alarm and use it. Scream for help, bang on doors or flag down passing cars. But try not to look totally mad or they’re likely to ignore you
• If you see someone being attacked, try to help without putting yourself in danger. If you can’t help yourself – get help
• Always use a registered taxi firm that you can trust. Be wary of unregistered cabs and taxi touts. Agree the fare before you get in. Be cautious about travelling in a taxi alone. Consider sharing
• If you feel threatened on public transport, stand near the exit, change carriage or seek the company of others
• In an emergency always call Police

Cruising grounds

Here are our thoughts on cruising grounds:

• Cruising grounds can be dangerous places: know your exits. Tell a friend where you are going
• If you know someone else there, make contact: you can look out for each other
• Listening to music using headphones make you less aware of danger or attack
• Try not to carry valuables
• If you’ve met someone for the first time you may be tempted to take them home or go home with them. Beware of the risks. Get their phone number and suggest meeting another night
• Sexy though they may appear to be – stay clear of groups of straight men, particularly if they’re loud or drunk
• Be wary of accepting lifts from strangers. If you are with a group of friends but do not know the driver, you should be cautious about being the last person to be dropped off. Hitch hiking can be dangerous. Try not to hitch alone although this may make getting lifts more difficult.
• Some guys have a 2nd phone (left at home) to which they send themselves messages with a quick description of the plan before running off with a complete stranger. Doing this in front of a potential shag also lets them know you are connected. Over the top (OTT) perhaps but it depends on how you value your personal safety (especially if you are not out).

Meeting guys safety check

When meeting a guy for the first time:

• Tell a friend what you’re doing and where you’re going
• Arrange to meet in a public place
• Consider asking a friend to phone you on your mobile after 20 minutes (just in case you need to make an escape)
• If you have any serious doubts: make an excuse and leave
• Don’t give out your address until you’re sure you want to continue seeing him

Sex venues

Sex venues are clubs and club nights, pubs, and some gay saunas where sex is permitted on the premises. These may also be known as dark rooms and play areas.

• You may wish to check out the busier times (or not) depending what you’re after; eg: weekends and bank holidays can be uncomfortably packed
• Some venues have strict dress codes and will refuse entry. Depending on what you wear (and whether you’re travelling in public) consider taking your gear with you and changing at the venue, or wearing cover up; eg: trackie bottoms over chaps
• If you’ve not been there before, it’s well worth checking what’s what before you get down to business. Many venues have Facebook pages that are useful reads.
• If you’re going with a friend, agree a check-in time and place and stick to it
• If you’ve had some great sex, think about having a break
• While it is a sex venue, don’t be afraid to talk to a guy if you think that there may be something more going on
• Don’t forget to take condoms and lube, and chewing gum

Our experience says:

• Don’t let sex venues become habitual and your only way to meet other men
• Sexual frisson or energy is just that – then it’s gone – so don’t expect anything else from a guy
• Take care of your valuables

Personal ads

Times may have moved on but guys still use them.

Whether you’re looking for friendship, a relationship or sex, contact or personal advertisements can deliver just about anything that appears in print. You’ll find them in magazines and newspapers, and the gay press includes more explicit ads.

It can be an exciting way to meet men and, in some cases, dispenses with the niceties (or otherwise) of cruising. For some, it provides opportunities to meet men who prefer not to use the scene or who don’t have easy access to pubs and clubs. Answering ads is relatively simple and most papers and magazines operate a similar process:

• Find an ad you like and reply in writing. Advertisers often want a photograph and preferably not from a photo-booth at 9am on a Monday morning when you’re hungover
• Put the letter in an envelope with its box/reference number clearly marked on the outside
• Post it to the advertiser care of the publication including a first class stamp (for each reply).
• Wait and hope!

If you’re placing an ad check out the costs and the terms and conditions first. Advertisements are usually charged by the word which is why they’re short and why a dictionary of abbreviations has evolved; eg: corporal punishment – CP, sadomasochism – SM, or defined by hanky codes.

If a guy is explicit about what he’s looking for sexually then it’s reasonable to assume he’s being honest. Some ads are prone to gross exaggeration and dick size can often stray into fantasy world. By all means have the fantasy but you may be disappointed. When it comes to writing your own ad, phrases like ‘genuine’, ‘seeks similar’ and ‘for good times, maybe more’ are fine but just scan through the ads and they appear with unerring regularity.

While phrases like ‘would like to meet a guy who’s DNA hasn’t fallen off the back of a lorry’ and ‘you’ve tried the best… now I’m the rest’ may not be your cup of tea – your eye does at least stop on the page. Think about what you’re going to say and try to be original.

ALA – All letters answered
ALAWP – All letters answered with photo
BND – Boy next door
CS – Clean shaven
CT/A – Can travel/accommodate
GL – Good looking
GSOH – Good sense of humour
NSc – Non scene
NSm – Non smoker
NTW – No time wasters
SA – Straight acting
SL – Straight looking
VGL – Very good looking
VWE – Very well endowed
WLTM – Would like to meet

Casual sex

Not everyone feels the need for a relationship. There are times in our lives when we‘re ready to settle down, other times when we prefer to play the field or be alone. Gay men may not have invented the one-night stand, but we have certainly turned it into an art form and, for many of us, it’s how many friendships or relationships start. The unique sexual experience which comes with each new encounter also gives us an opportunity to develop our techniques and experiment with new practices.

Take your sex drive for a spin

Casual sex is not restricted to bedrooms or clubs. It can happen just about anywhere and sometimes when you’re not expecting it. It can also involve more than one person (hopefully). Casual sex should be about taking your sex drive out for a spin and having fun – without feeling guilty or feeling as if you’re settling for second best. It’s important to see casual sex for what it is. It should not be a substitute for that ever elusive relationship, although it’s understandable that finding a boyfriend can mean having sex with several – perhaps many – men along the way.

Peaks and troughs

While multiple partners can mean more experience, more confidence and more sexual satisfaction – it can also mean the reverse. Occasionally, a string of disappointing one-night stands can lead to a decrease in confidence and, over weeks or months, it can feel as if you’re never going to find anyone again. All of us experience this and it’s perfectly natural to have peaks and troughs. However, if you start to feel lonely or desperate or if you find yourself pining at two o’clock in the morning, its time to take a fresh look at your plan to get a man.

Fear of closeness

Casual sex over months or years may indicate a fear of closeness or loss, anxiety about rejection, or some other difficulty. It may help to talk about it with your friends or, if that’s not possible (or uncomfortable), to seek professional help.

Fuck buddies

Fuck buddies are guys with whom we have sex on a regular basis without the complexities of a relationship. You might have met through the scene, the internet or a personal ad, but the pleasure you get is a sexual quid pro quo and an explicit understanding that you can stop seeing each other without anyone getting hurt.

Fuck buddies only work if you are both clear and honest about this arrangement. You can phone each other up, meet when it’s convenient, but know intuitively that you are unlikely to become boyfriends.

You can experiment, swap roles, practice technique or just fuck each other’s brains out because you both just love it – not each other. If this presents a problem then it’s possible you’re actually looking for a boyfriend. Sometimes it happens, but if you develop feelings – let him know. He may not be interested, or he may be thinking the same, but the arrangement has changed and you owe it to each other to be honest.

Etiquette

Over the years, unspoken rules of etiquette have evolved to help make sure we get the best of the encounter – even if there’s no plan or arrangement to see each other again.

• Guys may have different interests to you, and if you’re into one thing sexually, make this clear beforehand. Deciding ahead of time what you are going to do sexually can seem tacky (or be a turn-off) but it’s nothing compared to the disappointment you may both feel when you discover you’re not sexually compatible.
• If you’re taking a guy back there’s usually an assumption on his part that it’s okay to stay the night. If he can’t stay the night – tell him in advance. If you’re going back but can’t stay, sort this out before you get into the taxi. Also, make sure that you can get home. Always have cab money, and refuse invitations to the middle of nowhere.
• If you later discover that you don’t click or the sex doesn’t seem to be working out, or if you start to feel uncomfortable, make your excuses and leave. At this point you may regret having told him that you can stay over, but there’s no point in being over-polite if it’s quite clear that you’d rather be somewhere else. Sometimes casual encounters work – sometimes they don’t. Conversely, if you ask some body to leave, it’s not essential but it’s certainly a considerate gesture to make a contribution towards his fare home.
• Once you’ve got down to business, don’t roll over and fall asleep until you have both had an opportunity to cum unless one of you has said that he’s not going to.
• When you’ve done your stuff, it’s usual to go your separate ways. Do not feel obliged to exchange phone numbers. You’ve (hopefully) both got what you want and the ‘contract’ is finished. But does that stop us? No. More often than not we play that fucking ridiculous telephone numbers game!

Phone numbers

The days are almost gone when you could transpose the last two numbers of your phone number on a scrap of paper. Today’s technology almost obliges you to exchange personal information. If a guy offers you his number but you’re not going to use it: say so. The tone of your voice can be friendly but be just that. You should only offer him your number because you want to see him again and not because you’re trying to be polite and/ or let him down gently.

This becomes more difficult if you’ve swapped phones to enter each other’s details – often done in haste and quickly regretted. You may also want to consider whether you give your last name as it can be surprisingly easy to find/ track/ stalk someone on Facebook, Google+ and other social media.

The morning after

If it’s the morning after the night before and you don’t want to see him again, don’t hang around. Get dressed, say something casual like ‘see you around’ and leave before the ritual of exchanging phone numbers can start.

If he offers you his number and you’re not going to use it – be polite, but decline. Remember: it’s a casual encounter… you’re not married… there are no obligations. If you want to see someone again and you have a partner – be honest and tell him the score.
The bottom line is that many numbers are scrawled down in haste and never used again. It’s just what we do to tie up the end of an intimate sexual encounter with the harsh reality that you’ve both done the business and are now getting on with your lives.

Lessons learnt

Learning and understanding this stuff can be both slow and painful, particularly when you think you’ve met someone really special who then never calls. The pit opens up and you start wondering if you should call… If you shagged on Saturday and it’s now Monday, do you call on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday? How long do you give him, two, three or four days? You feel wretched and vow never to feel like this again. BTW: Luke’s motto (one of the MEN R US team) is “48hrs or bust!”

Maybe he didn’t call you because he’s gone home to the boyfriend he didn’t tell you about, he’s met someone else, he’s afraid of getting too close or he’s just an arsehole. Maybe he likes you but not enough.

www.menrus.co.uk/men/introduction/