What is a red flag for one person, may not be a red flag for someone else; to a certain degree what constitutes a red flag can be somewhat personal (Shadowborne, 1999). Most of the list assembled here is concerned with identifying abusive tendencies in a partner.
Does your partner :
- Try to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
- Avoid talking about personal details and/or get mad when you ask or quickly end the conversation or answering questions with questions.
- Have no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
- Get angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
- Tell you inconsistent details about themselves.
- Avoid giving you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
- Only communicate with you at strange hours and get mad if you try to contact them at other times.
- Criticize the BDSM community and refuse to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
- Consistently break promises.
- Always find excuses for not meeting real time.
- Always put blame on others for things going wrong.
- Does not take personal responsibility.
- Have bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
- Pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
- Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
- Push you into a D/s relationship too fast.
- Swear undying love before even meeting you.
- Hide behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
- Try to make you feel guilty for not being good enough; tells that you are not a “True” sub.
- Lose control of their emotions in arguments and regress to yelling, name-calling and blame.
- Put you down in front of other people.
- Turn instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
- Treat you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
- Never say “thank you”, “excuse me” or “I am sorry” to anyone.
- Lie or withhold information; cheat on you or is overly jealous.
- Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
- Try to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
- Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
- Belittles your ideas.
- Blame you for your hurt feelings.
- Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
- Constantly ask for large amounts of money from you or others.
- Threaten suicide or other forms of self-harm.
- Deliberately say or do things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
- Want control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
- ONLY interact with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
- Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
- Never show you their human side, is emotionless, hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
- Have multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
- Disappear from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
- Try to intimidate you, are you afraid of your partner in a real sense outside of a play scenario
- Threaten to leave or abandon you if you do not submit
- Routinely threaten violence for submission outside of your comfort zone
- Give you expensive gifts to gain compliance on something you do not wish to do
- Make you feel unwanted or ugly
- Ever forced intimacy on you against your wishes
- Ignore your needs, including medical treatment, clothing or food
- Question your loyalty
- Ignore or refuse the use of safe words
- Expect complete submission from a stranger
- Have nothing nice to say about previous partners
- Say they will do anything you want without even a first face-to-face meeting
- Get upset with you about wanting to make a safe call on a first meeting
- Insist on a scene on your first meeting
www.keepingitkinky.net/basics/red_flags.php
