Orgy Etiquette, Part 1: Attending
I’ve never participated in an orgy—unless you count that time at boarding school, which is a story to be told in a newspaper not religiously read by my parents, who paid big bucks for said education (thanks, Mom and Dad!).Being an orgy virgin, I was keen to collect the dirty details when my friend told me he had been invited to one at the end of a night of dancing at Diva’s. Disappointingly, he told me he didn’t attend. Why not? “Because I was tired and didn’t think I’d know anyone there.”
My friend’s astute attention to orgy detail left me crestfallen, curious and paranoid. While it makes sense that an orgy would require sufficient energy, I didn’t realize that they required an “in.” An anal-retentive guy with an obsessive tilt towards unnecessary disaster preparedness, I was left fretfully wondering about the other unspoken orgy rules. And so I found myself up at 2 a.m. studying for the orgy invitation that I was now sure would show up in my mailbox at sunrise. This is what I found.
First, the term “orgy” is so ’70s. “Play party” is much more modern, though usually linked to the BDSM community, so make sure to check the party specifics if seeking something vanilla. A party at a “swinger’s club” can be similarly specific, generally featuring married couples who swap partners for straight-only sexual pairings. Know the orgy’s theme before you RSVP. Is this party gender- or sexuality-specific, singles-only, kink-focused, members-only?
Pre-orgy, inquire about any ground rules a seasoned orgy-host(ess) will certainly have. Follow them exactly. Don’t be that asshole who shows up fall-down drunk with nothing but a video camera and a boner. It’s not cute and won’t get you laid. Not even at an orgy. Then heed some general guidelines.
Act as if you were on a date, at a movie theater. Silence your cell phone; avoid texting. No recording and no loud commentary, especially if it involves any third-party directing. Be charming, charismatic, polite, genuine and interesting—just because you’re at a play party doesn’t mean you have to act all Ron Jeremy creepy. Be yourself and the sex will surely follow.
Take your clothes off promptly. Being clothed at an orgy is like being naked at the grocery store. It’s just wrong.
Put down the binoculars. Watching is OK, but only with permission and in limited intervals. While observing can clue you in on how an orgy might work, ogling is rude.
Always ask before jumping in. Consent is a requirement of sex no matter where you are. Making assumptions is a great way to get punched, ruin the party and get exiled from play party subculture for life! Nooooooooo!
If you’re attending as a couple, set guidelines with your partner before the party. Orgy drama is the worst. Will you only be participating as a unit? Whom can you play with and whom should you avoid? Is your ex attending? Know these things.
This isn’t a contest. You don’t get a point for every person you F, nor must you F them all. You are allowed to have standards; just be polite with your turn-downs.
Don’t blow it all on one person, and remember to share.
For the love of your own genitals, practice safer sex. A good host(ess) will have materials on hand, but bringing your own stash of latex is advised.
Don’t just go to any old party advertised in the papers or online, as a mal-hosted orgy of strangers can quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and general unsexiness. If you’re having trouble finding a personal connection to a party, ask around at local sex shops and sex-positive establishments like our dear friend Diva’s.
Finally, my friend was right—an orgy will be much more enjoyable if you know someone. In the age of Craiglist killers and Facebook stalkers, finding a legitimate, safe play party can be challenging, and a personal connection is practically a must. The best play parties have a pre-screened invite list, and if you just can’t seem to get onto one, it might be time to host your own party. Host my own play party!? Find out how next week.
valleyadvocate.com/2011/12/08/orgy-etiquette-part-1-attending/
Orgy Etiquette Part 2: Hosting
There are two ways to host an orgy. One is to prime the scene for the “oopsie orgy,” an “unplanned,” tipsy night with a handful of curious friends who all happen to trip and fall into your bed after a series of suggestive suggestions… made by you, of course. “It was just one of those crazy drunken nights,” they’ll say. But we’ll all know your conniving secret, you persuasive little perv.The other is to just come out and say it—in calligraphy print, on nice paper invitations—”I’m having an orgy! And you’re invited!” As with any social gathering masterfully planned by a gracious and giving host(ess), there is etiquette to be followed. As we learned in last week’s V-Spot, “a mal-hosted orgy of strangers can quickly dissolve into a hotbed of STIs, failed orgasms, over-drugged wastedness and general unsexiness.” Let’s avoid that, shall we?
Crucial to your success is a carefully finessed guest list. Putting some balloons on your mailbox that say “Orgy Here!” will definitely make your night interesting, but won’t make for great group sex. Be intentional with your invitations, sticking to people you personally know (or have at least met).
Make sure your orgy virgin-to-pro ratio is at least 1:3. Having a bunch of nervous nellies naked in your living room won’t get anyone off. Invite single friends or open couples who are comfortable with their sexuality and ballsy enough to make the first move. Be sure to invite that one charismatic orgy veteran you know will be first to drop trou.
Whether printed on recycled paper or sent through Facebook, your invitation should clearly state what kind of sex to expect (BDSM, anal, lesbian-only?) and any house rules you might have, such as no video cameras, no hard drugs or BYO sex toys.
Post a list of the house rules at the event site and always make consent and safer sex mandatory. Then make sure to either be sober enough, or elect a designated friend, to enforce such rules.
Keep your guests comfortable while assuming all surfaces will get drenched in either bodily fluids or lube. If hosting at your place, ask guests to BYO blankets, sheets or even mattresses. If reserving a handful of adjoining hotel suites, keep it above Motel 6 quality and your intentions discreet, as an obvious orgy could lead to some unwelcome party crashers. Tip the cleaning crew.
Make sure guests show up relatively sober, and provide low-alcohol content drinks. Though many will require a little liquid courage to dive into the orgy ocean, avoid rows of tequila shots as hammered sex is never good, especially in large numbers. Keep everyone’s energy up with light, sensual snacks like chocolate and fruit. Avoid messy, heavy foods and remember that though play parties were made popular in the ’60s, it is 2011 and fondue should be avoided at all costs.
Stock up on necessary orgy supplies like a variety of condoms, gloves and dental dams in both latex and non-latex, which could be readily available in candy dishes around the house or stuffed into a pinata! Set up a lube bar with bottles of latex-compatible, glycerin- and paraben-free favorites like Yes water-based, Hathor Aphrodisia and, but(t) of course, Sassy Booty Formula.
Have a box of clean, non-porous sex toys for guests to rifle through, along with available cleaning stations for partner switches. Keep some tasteful, artsy porn like those directed by Andrew Blake projected onto a wall or hire a friend to play porn-DJ. While background music like Portishead or Massive Attack could set a sexy mood, nothing will kill a train faster than playlists involving The Beatles or Spice Girls. Other things to avoid include patchouli incense, air conditioning and sleepy substances like weed.
Finally, remember that while any good host(ess) makes his guests’ enjoyment his number one priority, you don’t have to be the only one giving out the party favors. After all, it’s your party and you can cry out if you want to.
valleyadvocate.com/2011/12/15/orgy-etiquette-part-2-hosting/
