- The definition of gay versatility
- How to view your anus and penis as tools for enjoyment
- The benefits of versatility
- Topping myths
- Total top vs. vers bottom
- Psychology of topping
- How to identify your psychological barriers
- New approaches for moving past roadblocks
- Taking your new vers self on a test drive
- Resources for the future
Let’s jump right in!
DEFINITION OF VERSATILE
The term versatile is a 25-cent word used in gay culture that describes a man who is able to engage in both top and bottom activities.In conversation, some men say: “I am vers” or will write “vers” in a hook up/dating profile.
There are offshoots of this term. Examples include: “Vers-Top” which means the person mostly likes to give rides rather than receive.
On the flip-side, you’ll also see “Vers-Bottom”; a term used to describe a guy who prefers receiving rides but can occasionally act as top.
TOOLS FOR ENJOYMENT
One of the first ways to help put yourself on the road to sexual versatility as a gay man is to put your penis and anus on equal footing. In other words, view the both as conduits for enjoyment.This is important because if you only allow yourself to experience pleasure from one area and not the other, you’ll continue being stuck.
The ability to bottom or top is deeply rooted in your psyche. In fact, most sex therapists agree that intimacy is as much (if not more) a psychological experience as it is physical.
Reframing how you look at both your peen and your anus through the lens of pleasure will help go a long way towards your transformation.
BENEFITS OF VERSATILITY
Being sexually versatile offers a number of benefits. We’ve quickly highlighted some of the obvious ones and listed a few that might not be.- Deeper, more meaningful experiences with your mate.
- Ability to see what it’s like to act in a different role.
- Potential increase in sexual compatibility.
- Greater awareness of partner’s experience.
- More options during intimacy.
TOPPING MYTHS
Perhaps one of the biggest barriers that prevent a guy from switching positions relates to stereotypical myths. Sadly, many of these are based in toxic masculinity.In a nutshell, some of these myths include:
- You have to be assertive to be a top
- Tops must be very masculine
- Only dominant types can be top
- You can’t be submissive and be a top
- Tops are super confident so I can’t do it
- Gay Wolves are tops and I’m not one
- Tops “own” their bottoms and I’m not aggressive
Before continuing, ask yourself how many of these do you buy into?
TOTAL TOP VS. VERSATILE
When it comes to taking the top bunk with your partner, it’s helpful to tap into the world of sexual psychology. Bear in mind that if you are reading this article, your goal is to become versatile and not transform into a total top.You may be wondering: What is a total top?
Here’s the answer: Men who identify as “total tops” are not interested in bottoming. In fact, some who use this label go by a strict definition, meaning all they will do is penetrate a mate. Some will not even give oral.Again, your goal is to go from being a total bottom to a versatile person – perhaps a “vers bottom” as mentioned earlier.
So let’s talk about the mindset you’ll want to adopt in order to get your feel wet in the top role.
Confidence
More than anything else, you will need confidence that you can top your partner. And for some people, that’s easier said than done.This isn’t to say bottoms aren’t confident. MOST are. Talk to any power bottom and you’ll find that out in a flash.
Instead, we’re simply suggesting that when it comes to this specific activity (topping), some men find a lack of confidence as the root cause, even though they really want to try it.
So how did this lack of confidence happen. There are tons of reasons that are deeply linked to an individual’s unique personality, coupled with life experiences.
Common barriers to topping include:
- Performance anxiety
- Little to no experience
- A bad experience in the past
- Irrational self-narratives about “being a top” (see previously mentioned myths)
- Penis shame with specific concerns about size
- Fears of disappointing the bottom partner
I tried to top a guy back in college and felt awkward. I could sense he wasn’t enjoying it. Ever since then, Ive been more of a bottom. Now, I can’t keep it up when I try to top.
IDENTIFYING YOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTORTIONS
If your goal is to increase your versatility, you’ll need to become aware of toxic thinking; self-statements that keep you stuck.In the world of behavioral psychology, this is called cognitive distortions (CD’s). See this post from Psych Central to learn more.
So how can you identify your CD’s?
An easy way to do this is to take out a piece of paper and jot them all down. It may help to close your eyes and mentally rehearse topping someone, like a boyfriend or playmate.
What thoughts run through your mind as you think about this?
Common psychological distortions include self-statements like:
- I’m just not wired to top
- I can’t see myself doing it
- He won’t think I’m good at it
- I already know I won’t like it
In fact – we can repeat them so often that they become our reality, even though there is no evidence to support their existence.
Your goal is to throw as many monkey wrenches into these flawed lines of thinking as possible. And the best way to accomplish that is to challenge your irrational thoughts by questioning their validity.
Example distortion:
I’m not wired to be a top.
Example challenge to distortion:
Is that really true? What evidence to I have to support this?
The more you challenge your cognitive distortions, the more confidence you build.
One book we’d like to recommend to help you in this area is called Tame Your Inner Critic. Inside, you’ll find lots of practical insight on how your thoughts prevent you from reaching various goals.
What’s more, there’s sage advice offered on how to move past the barriers.
WORKING THROUGH BARRIERS
Once you begin the process of identifying distortions and challenging them, you can then move about the business of the actual doing.It’s worth restating here – again – that your goal isn’t to become a total top or even a power top. Instead, the endpoint versatility.
Here are some other pointers:
- Mentally rehearse topping your man during self-pleasuring activities
- Give yourself permission not to be perfect when topping
- Realize that a sexual experience is dualistic in nature, meaning it’s as much about being pleased as pleasing a mate.
- Recognize that when you top, you are giving part of yourself to your mate.
- It’s OK to wear a peen ring during the process.
TAKING A TEST RIDE
One of the best ways to gain confidence as you enhance your versatility is by taking your topping skills out for a test drive.There are no hard and fast rules here but many men who identify as bottoms who begin moving towards top activity share that it helps to start out simple, slow and easy.
Here are some ways to do this:
- Simply lay on your back and allow your mate to sit on you.
- Get behind your mate in missionary position
- If there is a strong emotional connection, try something face to face to enhance your relational bond. Because of chemical releases in the brain related to sex, you could have a powerful experience!
- Consider drinking an herbal tea that is designed to enhance your libido.
- Take turns with your mate and switch positions.
- Consider role play and assume a character you are comfortable with.
SUMMING THINGS UP
Sexual skills and abilities happen through doing. Sadly, some of the “doing” never happens because of negative self-statements that are deeply embedded in the psyche.www.gaypopbuzz.com/gay-bottom-top/
