Sex magic explained
Dek: “For me S&M means sex and magic, not sadomasochism. It was all about trust.” Robert Mapplethorpe.I first stumbled upon a BDSM video in my early teens. Curiosity got the best of me, and I clicked play. The video might have been (or was very similar) to a kink[.]com video. It was a shot in a warehouse that doubled as a dungeon.
The woman was contorted in positions that exposed her slender back. Her vertebrae protruding from her skin, like a sexy stegosaurus. She was tied up with intricate boy scout knots. She was moaning. Half in pleasure, half in pain. Men dressed as dungeon masters — in all leather — whipped her with leather flogs.
After watching the video for no more than a minute, I turned it off. Immediately, being a young teenager, I felt a sharp pang of guilt. I shouldn’t be watching this. This is bad.
I didn’t understand the appeal. Being 14, the idea of sex was arousing enough. Why do you need all those whips, leather, and chains? Why do you need to hurt someone? Who wants to be in pain during sex? Who wants to hurt someone during sex? I didn’t understand the draw of it at all. In fact, I thought the desire must be pathological in nature.
Cut to 8 years later. I now date and sleep with men (as well as women and genderqueer folk). After years of being closeted — getting blackout drunk to have sex with men — I’m finally comfortable with myself. And I’m upfront about my (bi)sexuality.
Now jump to one year later, and I have an epiphany. It’s easy to have sex. It’s not a scarce commodity. I no longer need to date in order to get laid. Apps exist that facilitate the ease of hooking up. I’m no longer ordering sausage pizza to my door; I’m just ordering sausage. Within 30 minutes of hopping online, I could be inside of another man.
So I did. I started meeting a ton of new men on a weekly basis. And while many gay men claim dating/hook ups are the downfall of gaykind, I offer the opposite hypothesis. It’s allowed us to connect with men across the world. It’s allowed closeted men to explore safely.
It’s allowed me to meet men from various different walks of life, many of whom I’ve dated, and even more of whom, I’m close friends with now.
Sure, it’s a game changer, as you don’t have to leave your apartment to have sex. But sex shouldn’t have been the only reason you left your apartment. And clubs, still do offer a number of things that dating apps cannot.
They offer a queer space. Dancing. In person flirting. We now have options for both, and as queer men, we should use all the gay dating tools at our disposal.
So I was 23, and I was using hook up apps left and right. The revolving door to my apartment was always in motion. And I was pretty happy. But after months of casual encounters, I had my fill and sex was beginning to seem more like a chore. It has lost its luster. I was still horny, being a 23-year-old man, with a voracious sexual appetite, but nothing was doing it for me.
That’s when BDSM entered into my life. I began looking for different type of sexual encounters, to enhance my sexual experience. It didn’t take long to find the gay kink community. It took even less time before I fell in love with it.
Suddenly, a whole new world was open to me. Sex was no longer about the physical ejaculation, it was about the psychological thrill. The power, the submission, the smooth touch of leather. The tingly sensation I get from the nipple clamps.
The rush I feel when I wear a harness. The headspace that consumes my mind the moment I’m tied, or the moment I whip a man who’s tied like a hog. The physical closeness I feel with someone after we engage in some form of BDSM play. The leap of faith I take in all my partners — old and new.
Since sex was no longer about physical stimulation, but rather, mental stimulation, sex evolved. Sex was not longer simply pleasurable, it became fascinating. Almost an intellectual endeavor. An anthropological and social experiment, where you and your partner are the subjects.
BDSM then opened me up to a community of other like-minded individuals who wanted to explore the world sexually. Who want to grab the world by its horns and ride. Who want to push their bodies and minds to the limits. Who are aroused by novelty, even if what’s novel is slightly dangerous.
BDSM then snuck into my daily life. It became a part of my personality. Not in the obvious ways, like wearing sexy, leather thongs underneath my suit and tie work. But in the way I approached the world. The risks I do and do not take. The people that I surround myself with. That I find myself attracted to.
BDSM becomes a way of life, an extension of yourself, and therefore, something you can’t live without. It becomes a part of your queerness as a gay or bisexual man.
As iconic queer BDSM photographer Robert Mapplethorpe said, “For me S&M means sex and magic, not sadomasochism. It was all about trust.”
And that’s why BDSM is alluring to the gay community.
www.gaypopbuzz.com/sex-magic-gay-men/
