J-Lube is a concentrated lubricant that comes in powder form. According to the bottle, it is manufactured for Jorgensen Laboratories in Loveland, Colorado and consists of 25% polyethylene polymer and 75% dispersing agent (sucrose, according to the MSDS). When mixed with water, it produces a thick, clear, extremely slippery lubricant whose intended purpose is to aid in gynecological examinations for farm animals. However, it is, without a doubt, the best lubricant I have ever encountered. It is inexpensive (around $9 to make about seven gallons of lubricant), easy to mix (just add water!), and contains no peculiar chemicals or preservatives (unless you put them in when mixing it). And since it’s water based, it’s fully latex condom compatible.
Who uses J-Lube?
- farmers
- veterinarians?
- Artists who use it to produce slime for movies and television shows.
- People into fisting.
Where you can buy J-Lube?
- Many sex shops
How do I mix my own batch of J-Lube?
When it comes to J-Lube, most folks will tell you that it’s a pain in the butt to mix and shouldn’t be kept around for very long. And I’m sure that would be true if you were to mix it without taking proper precautions for cleaning and sterilization of your containers, but if you take care when mixing it, it really goes a great deal more smoothly than others would have you believe. For all practical purposes, there’s two ways of mixing J-Lube. Either make it just before using it, or prepare some in advance to have ready to go.
Mixing it just before using it
This is the simplest way of doing things. Just shake some of the powder into your hands, run your hands under a stream of water, and there you have it… you are lubricated. A few things to keep in mind; for one, if you apply the powder directly to your skin before wetting it, it is significantly harder to wash off. It does, however, provide a very good lubrication barrier even under extremely wet conditions. It will even stay on skin for quite a while under a constant stream of water, such as a shower or even underwater in a bath.
Mixing it in advance
If you want to produce a high-quality batch of J-Lube that will last for quite some time, it really isn’t all that difficult. Here’s what you need:
- One bottle of J-Lube
- One bottle of General Lubricant
- A microwaveable mixing container
- Clean water (distilled is best)
- Measuring spoons
- Some kind of stirring implement
- A bottle for storage (I prefer squeeze bottles with flip-up tops, most plastics stores carry them)
- A sanitizing agent (I use 35% hydrogen peroxide, but other things would work as well)
Step 1: SANITIZE!
Presumably you are mixing this lubricant with the intent of it coming in contact with some fairly intimate parts of the human body. Also, since you want to produce a lubricant with a longer shelf life, you want to eliminate anything that could contribute to it eventually going bad. As such, sterilizing everything before you use it is a very good idea.
Personally, I use 35% food grade hydrogen peroxide for this task. It is, literally, ten times the strength of regular drug store variety hydrogen peroxide, plus it does not have any of the stabilizers normally added to it. Hydrogen peroxide is a very unstable chemical and will quickly turn itself into plain old water, which means it is ideal for this sort of application since it will not leave any harmful residue behind. But it is a powerful oxidizer, and if you choose to use it, carefully read and follow the warning instructions on the label.
When it comes to the selection of mixing implements, I highly suggest glass whenever possible. It is easy to clean and sterilize, doesn’t degrade as do plastics, and is microwave safe. Plastic will do, but above all, try to avoid metal since you cannot use it in a microwave (especially with the mixing container, since you will need to microwave it).
Wash, in hot water, the mixing container, the measuring spoons, the stirring implement, and the bottle in which you will eventually store the mixed J-Lube. Rinse them thoroughly afterwards, especially if you used soap. Once they are clean and residue-free, sterilize them all with whatever you have chosen as a sterilizing agent. Rinse them again afterwards with clean water to wash away any remaining sterilizing agent (especially important if you used something that could leave a residue behind). Make certain that the measuring spoons are completely dry before you use them; everything else can be slightly damp. In fact, it is best to avoid drying things with a towel if at all possible. Towels have lint on them, and lint floating in your J-Lube is really unappealing.
Step 2: Measure out your ingredients
As time goes by you will develop your own preferences with J-Lube, but for now, here’s a decent baseline set of measures for mixing up a batch:
- Eight fluid ounces of water
- One and one-half teaspoons of powdered J-Lube
- One fluid ounce of General Lubricant
Put the water into your microwave-safe mixing cup. This is where the size of the container becomes important; it needs to be large enough to comfortably stir the mixture in without spilling it all over the place. Next, add the one and one-half teaspoons of J-Lube. Make sure to stir constantly while doing this, and add the powdered J-Lube VERY SLOWLY. J-Lube loves to clump when it comes in contact with water. And while the lumps can be removed, the fewer lumps you start with, the easier it is as you progress. So sprinkle the J-Lube in slowly while stirring, making sure to vary the direction of stirring. As it gets thick, if you keep stirring in the same way, it builds up quite a bit of momentum and can fling out the sides.
Once you have fully stirred in the J-Lube, scrape off any that has accumulated on the sides of the measuring cup and on whatever you are using as a stirring implement. Then, set it aside and let it sit for about an hour or so, longer if you can tolerate the wait. This gives the clumps of J-Lube time to hydrate; and as they hydrate, they will swell and un-clump. This is the trick most people seem to ignore. The clumps WILL go away if you hydrate them and stir them. However, most people aren’t patient enough to wait for all the lumps to go away by themselves, and this is where the next step becomes important.
Step 3: Microwave your J-Lube
Microwaving your J-Lube is very important for two reasons. First, it does an excellent job finally eliminating all remaining clumps, air bubbles, and helps uniformly mix the J-Lube. And second, the heat will aid in sterilizing the final mixture, producing a much cleaner end product.
Your ultimate goal here is to boil the J-Lube for a little while. When I am making J-Lube, I usually microwave a single batch for a total of around four to five minutes on the highest setting, but you may need to do it for more or less time depending on your microwave. You want the entire batch to become uniformly boiling, as when the water begins to boil it bursts the remaining clumps from the inside out and leaves you with, if done carefully enough, perfectly smooth, lumpless J-Lube.
EXERCISE CAUTION HERE
J-Lube mixed into water thoroughly changes the behavior of the water, especially when it boils. Instead of just bubbling a little, it froths like mad (sort of like boiling milk) and can, with very little warning, bubble up and spray all over the microwave. For this reason, you must boil the J-Lube in steps. Heat it in the microwave until it just begins to boil; stop the microwave and stir it some. Repeat this process until the J-Lube is hot enough that it readily boils when you turn on the microwave, and then continue this microwave and stir process for a minute or so. You will see the clumps begin to disappear, and you can repeat this process until you are satisfied that all the clumps have been removed. Another word of caution; when you stop the microwave, the J-Lube will most likely stop boiling. But when you plunge a stirring implement into it, this can result in a large wave of boiling hot, bubbling J-Lube to burst up from the top. Be very careful with this! At best, you can spill it all over your microwave. At worst, you can severely burn the skin on your hand. Remember, this is a boiling hot slime, and if it gets on you, it will stick and continue burning until it cools off. And, speaking from experience, J-Lube retains its heat MUCH longer than plain water.
Now that the J-Lube has sat for quite some time, it will most likely be somewhat milky in color, not uniformly mixed, and still a bit chunky. What you then do is microwave it. Yes, place the measuring cup and the stirring implement (make sure neither are made of metal, please) and microwave it on high. PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE MICROWAVING J-LUBE. When J-Lube boils, it does not behave like water. This is because the J-Lube will form thick walled bubbles that do not like to pop. When it starts to boil (and believe me you’ll know it when it starts to boil) immediately shut off the microwave. Stir the J-Lube a bit, being extremely careful not to spill any. Remember, it’s still at near boiling temperatures, and it is thick. If it gets on you, it won’t just run off. It will stay put and burn you.
Step 4: Add the secret ingredient
Now that you have sufficiently boiled and stirred your J-Lube to the point that it is smooth and uniformly mixed, let it cool for a little while (not too long though, you want it to still be hot) and then add the one fluid ounce of General Lubricant. Stir this in thoroughly. The General Lubricant adds body and durability to the J-Lube; it also adds a small amount of preservative and seems to make it easier to clean as well. After this has been added and fully mixed in with the J-Lube, set the entire thing aside and allow it to cool to the point where you can safely handle it.
Step 5: Bottle your J-Lube
Once the J-Lube has cooled enough to safely handle it, pour it into your clean storage bottle and cap it tightly. Be careful when transferring the J-Lube from the mixing container to the storage bottle; it is thick and pours more like thin maple syrup than it does like water. It is very easy to spill by pouring too fast. Go slow, and be patient. You should do the transfer over a sink, though, because if you spill a large amount, it is much easier to just rinse away than it is to mop up off the table top.
Step 6: Have fun!
Congratulations! You have made yourself a bottle of pre-mixed J-Lube. Have fun, and be safe!
How do I clean off J-Lube?
The instructions on the bottle say to rub some salt into the J-Lube to dissolve it. This works remarkably well, but really isn’t necessary with the above recipe for pre-mixed J-Lube. And again, despite what other people say, J-Lube CAN be washed off with soap and water. It just can take a while, especially if you directly applied J-Lube powder to your skin. Glycerin soap seems to help.
Does J-Lube stain?
J-Lube can stain, but I have never had a problem with it. Salt does break up the J-Lube spots well, and if you spill a large amount of it on some fabric, soaking the affected area in a heavy salt water mixture seems to dissolve it pretty rapidly. Rinsing with a strong stream of clean water will wash it away as well. But, as mixed J-Lube is around 95% water, there is very little in it that can leave a stain. At most it will tend to leave a bit of powdery J-Lube behind, but that’s about it. You may want to test an inconspicuous area of a piece of fabric if you fear it may come in contact with a large amount of J-Lube over its lifetime.
The residue left behind by J-Lube can, and will, rehydrate into a slippery goo if you get it wet. For this reason, if you spill some J-Lube on the floor, be sure to clean it up entirely. Otherwise, what seems like a perfectly safe bit of flooring can become an extremely slippery and dangerous spot when a wet foot steps down on it. It is EXTREMELY hard to stand if your feet are covered in J-Lube. It is also damn near impossible to pick someone up off the floor if they are covered in J-Lube. So please, be careful.
What can I do to a batch of J-Lube to make it more suited to my personal tastes?
You can “customize” your J-Lube in a variety of ways, especially when pre-mixing it. For one thing, experiment with the amounts of J-Lube you add to the water to produce a thicker or thinner J-Lube. Try varying the amounts of General Lubricant, or don’t even use any at all. The thing to remember is that J-Lube is water based and certain things will not mix well with it. For example, oils. J-Lube does not rehydrate in oil, and mixing oil with your J-Lube tends to just make a mess. However, things such as glycerine can be dissolved into your J-Lube. This may appeal to some. Food coloring can be added to change its appearance (though be warned that too much food coloring means the J-Lube will stain skin as well as clothing). Try mixing it with carbonated water. But above all, just play with the stuff until you find what is best for you.
Is J-Lube edible?
It is supposedly non-toxic, but I don’t suggest eating it. It doesn’t taste like anything, but it does make your mouth feel as though you have the thickest saliva ever seen. If you find yourself constantly getting the stuff in your mouth, you may want to consider flavoring it through the use of commonly available flavoring agents. Glycerine can also be used to add a bit of flavor, although not everyone can stand the taste of glycerine.
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