Here is a great excerpt from an online chat between myself a young man in the UK getting ready for his first ever experience as a Dom, with a brand new sub:
Declansub87Hello, I just read your article on tumblr “communication for doms”. I found it really useful as I’m new to the scene and meeting with someone for the first time next week. I’ve never been a Dom before so it was really helpful in realizing it’s not just about me and my needs. I just wanted to say thanks for the advice :) I hope your well
JocKDieseL
Hey Declan! Good for you!
I’m glad you read that article in particular. Being a Dom has easily been one of the most fulfilling parts of my life. I have had the privilege of some wonderful boys under my wing, and they have served me well, eagerly and gratefully because of the way I treat them. Yes I tie them up tight, I hurt them sometimes, and sex them up, and humiliate them, but they always know that I won’t let them get in over their heads, and that I will care for them if need be. Subs need to know that. Subs need to trust that.
You look like a smart lad with a good head on your shoulders. I’ll let you in on a couple little secrets for Doms.
What subs find most attractive in a Dom…..
* First and foremost, they want to know that you will keep them safe, and that you will use them well. So say so. For a first date, start slow, basic bondage, and be gentle. If you’re rusty with bondage, say so. Be honest, and demand honesty. Ramp up a little bit but not much, and let them know that you can be as brutal as they can imagine, but you’ll keep them safe, even despite themselves. That alone will garner a lot of trust. Young Doms tend to want to impress by being extra brutal or intense, throwing the kitchen sink at them all at once. Don’t bother. It doesn’t work that way.
* If you’re into kissing: Tie them up, blindfold them. Tell them to kiss you. If they are tentative or holding back, give them a (very) light face slap, then say “I’m not your grandmother, kiss me like you fucking mean it.” You’d be surprised how telling a boy how to kiss you changes their whole demeanor for the better.
*A commanding presence, which you will acquire through experience. Be calm, confident, assertive but not too aggressive. Control of others starts with self-control. State what you want plainly, there is no need to bark orders. They are simply expected to carry them out for you. “get on your knees” Take your clothes off” etc. You know they want to do it anyway ;) If they’re not paying attention, throw out the f-bomb. ‘Take your fucking clothes off, now! ‘Don’t raise your voice, just use your ‘tone’
*Make them say it. When they say it it becomes real. So make them tell you how much they love ‘you tying them up’ ‘sucking your cock’ ‘you hurting them’ whatever. Make them say it, and make them beg you for more.
*Take your time. Especially if you’re into bondage, as the dom it feels like it takes FOREVER. But for the sub it builds anticipation and gives them time to think…about what’s coming up next ;)
*Play nice. You have nothing to prove. They already submitted to you. It’s a done deal. Enjoy it.
* Listen to them. Be a little flexible. Limits are negotiable, every time.
* Close in on them. Especially if they’re blindfolded and/or gagged, get right up to their ear and whisper something, like ‘you look fucking sexy with my dick in your mouth’ or I am so turned on right now, with you all tied up and helpless” Again, verbalizing it makes it real for them.
*Have fun! I’ve had the most fun with subs laughing with them and AT them. I mean come on, you’re tying them up naked lol! It’s kinda goofy!
….and hey good luck! Let me know how things go!
Peace.
Declansub87
Thank you so much Sir! I’m a sub at heart so it will be weird for me to play as a don role, but I got to reading further posts and you mentioned then you punished a boy called Luke with a hand full of twigs or something? A British tradition in schools back in the 90’s and you had received the treatment also which helped you learn. There’s so many things I’ve never considered until I started reading your profile I feel very uneducated. I’ve took a lot of notes down and hopefully I will do fine. It’s a shame were not in the same country I would love to meet you. Hopefully we can be pen pals :)
JocKDieseL
Shane here.
That would be great. I’m here to help. If I can help you avoid some of the mistakes I made all the better lol.
Declansub87
My names Aaron. Brilliant I look forward chatting to you! Even just to share hobbies etc :)
Tue 5 Apr
JocKDieseL
You have a good look to you, a nice body. I’m sure the boys go crazy for you anyway. And as a Dom? WOOOF!
Declansub87
I can tell by how passionate you write on your blog posts. It sucks your abroad.
I started out being kinda mean and kinda a dick…that’s what I thought being a Dom meant…ugh what a waste of time. I wasn’t even having fun….
That’s when it hit me, that subs, even pain pigs, care more about how compassionate you are than how brutal you can be. It’s easy to be brutal. You don’t have to expose yourself. But to be compassionate, you have to open up, be vulnerable.
Declansub87
Yeah this is what I thought a Dom was until I found your blog. Keeping communication, comforting them after play with cuddles etc. It really opened me up to looking forward to trying it out. I love cuddles lol
JocKDieseL
Good boy! So take that. Grab their hair and pull them to you and get your cuddles on! And thats what subs want, just a little piece of you. They will give you every bit of themselves for just one little piece of your humanity. So I give it, and I get it returned tenfold.
You ask my boys…they wouldn’t give me up for the world. They know how good they have it. And my boys are MY boys. I take care of them and I love them up.
Declansub87
:) I feel loads better about my meet now. I love a good foot worship too and massage! I bet they do, they are extremely lucky to have you.
You make your boys feel special, like princes first. Then when they know that side of you, you can trash-talk them and humiliate then all you want, and they’ll come crawling back for more, literally! lol
JocKDieseL
Main gallery, captured, shibari, and naked galleries are all me. The rest are my boys
Declansub87
You look really handsome in your profile Shane! And your feet are beautiful
JocKDieseL
and i love my toes sucked on too! hahaha
Declansub87
Please kidnap me lol
JocKDieseL
Sounds like you are new to being Dom, and you should really give it a try, for like a year. It’s a little daunting at first. It’s harder than being a sub at first I think, but it’s so worth it.
Aww id love to kidnap you !
Declansub87
Yeah it’s a real change to how I am as I’m a really submissive guy. So being “authority” is daunting to me as I feel I can’t take myself serious, like I’m taking the piss. Does that sound strange?
JocKDieseL
not at all. start off like this. don’t think of yourself as an authority figure. You’re just a guy. The other guy is there to do what you want. So ask him, hey take your shoes off, im gonna suck your toes for a while, but first im gonna tie you up so you cant get away ;) everybody wins! I suck my bf’s dick all the time. sounds like a submissive move, but im still in charge.
Haha yeah that’s a good way to look at it. I’ll tell you every detail of it after the meet then you can give me some constructive criticism :) , it’s 3:40am here so I’m gonna head to sleep. Thank you for replying I appreciate it. I’ll message you tomorrow and look forward to getting to know you Shane :) Aaron X
JocKDieseL
very welcome Aaron ttyl, good luck!
Wed 6 Apr
Declansub87
So he’s been messaging me and he wants to start off as a kidnap scenario and wants me to force him into being my slave etc. How do you suggest I handle that?
I take it you never met this guy before. And he probably has little to no experience at this. The idea here is to keep you BOTH safe, physically mentally and safe from the law. Kidnapping is a crime. If it happens in public, onlookers may want to intervene so DON’T DO THAT!
Best practice is to meet first on a separate day someplace public like a coffee shop or something. A place familiar to him, but a neutral location. So he will feel comfortable, and you too.
At that meeting, be yourself. Smile, be disarming and charming. Someone you’d WANT to be kidnapped by lol! Make eye contact, and gentle body contact. Don’t be threatening in the least. Pat his back or touch his arms or something at one point to establish a warm connection.
If this is the first time you’ve met him, go for a ‘pre-kidnap’ scene for a first venture. You’ll be able to get into his head a little and see how he reacts. You don’t want him to panic and get all crazy on you.
So have him come to your place. You will be in a separate area of the house. Text him instructions on what to where (Jeans, a white T shirt, sneakers-no socks (or barefoot, to make him feel vulnerable) Tell him there will be more instructions when he gets into the house.
Have a box in the room where he’ll be, with handcuffs, a blindfold, a gag, and and what the hell, a jock strap lol! On a piece of paper on top of the box print out explicit, step-by-step instructions. Maybe stuff like this.
1 take off all of your clothes
2 kneel on the floor
3 put the gag on first, then then the cuff on your left wrist with the chain facing towards your body.
4 now put the the blindfold on. Don’t hit your face with the cuffs, idiot :P
5 Lastly, put your hands behind you back and cuff your wrists together.
6 knock on the floor three times with your feet so ill know your ready.
7 WAIT THERE
Make him wait there for a while, like 3 or 4 minutes. Make him a little nervous. Then go to him. Feel him up. He’s your now. Take him to your ‘dungeon’ area and have fun with him.
Declansub87
That sounds awesome yeah I’ll definitely do that! Man that got me well hard lol
Hahaha nice. It’s a good way for him to experience control from a ‘stranger’ without being too scared by it. Remember, he is naked, and you’re new to him. He is likely more nervous than both of you think.
A large part of Dominating someone is objectifying him. He is a sex object. He is there to turn you on. Grope him any way you want. Try to keep his head below yours. He should be sitting or kneeling at your feet a lot. Grab his head in your hands and put it where you want it. Feed him your yummy cock and get verbal with him while he’s blindfolded. Calling you 'Sir’ is demeaning for him and sets you as an authority figure, so it’s a good idea.
Blindfolds and gags are your best friends! Blindfolds create anticipation,and mystery and take away control. Gags suppress their inner chatter and add to their objectification.
A 'little bit’ of well-timed pain helps amp up the mood. a couple playful gut punches, or ball slaps. Test your strength on yourself first lol!
JocKDieseL
Guiding his mind is I think the best part. So again get verbal with him. When he’s tied up and powerless point it out. 'You’re pretty well fucked now huh?“ ” I could do whatever I want with you now, can’t I?“ “You’re gonna be my good little bitch today aren’t you? Say it. Tell me you’re my little bitch today!”
And just tell him to do what you want. “Lay on the floor” ’ Lick my fucking toes, fag boy”
And one more thing…optional but I find it hot. When hes on his knees or laying on the ground, push him down with your foot, and spit on him. Pry his mouth open and spit in his mouth if you think he deserves it. Spitting is a way of marking him as property, and is VERY humiliating. He’ll probably really dig that. ;That should give you enough to work with for a couple of nice sessions.And remember when he’s tied up. Usually you should check his circulation about every half hr and change position as needed if hes tied up in an awkward or uncomfortable position. So he gets to go on adventures wherever you want to take him. And you get to take care of a boy who wants to please you and make you happy. How awesome is that! Again we talked about this before Aaron, the object is not to be mean, it’s to be SEXY. Crude yeah, and rough, but sexy. You can do all this with a cocky smirk on your face, chuckling at the power you have. It’s a good thing!
Declansub87
Excellent. I can’t thank you enough for the guidance. I had a talk with him today about the direction we want to go and it looks like we’re both gonna have fun! I just need to work on my rope skills now. I have loads of rope just not very good with them! Also lots of tape. I have a leather chest harness, leather wrist and ankle cuffs, ball gags and cuffs. I’m sure that will be enough :)
JocKDieseL
oh yeah you’re all set little bro! Let me know how it goes!
Tuesday, 05:49
Declansub87
Hey you around to chat? :)
JocKDieseL
hey baby. Im off to work right now, all day event at the hospital :P dod you have your scene with your new boy yet?
Declansub87
Yeah I wanted to tell you about it, message me when your free to chat and you can give me some constructive criticism where needed :) have a good day friend x
JocKDieseL
hey pal are you still awake?
Declansub87
*slowly opens eyes and waves*
Hey friend!!!
JocKDieseL
haha hey there
Declansub87
So you at home relaxing now?
JocKDieseL
kinda.waiting for dinner to be done. so tell me about your adventure!
Ok
I met him for a drink then we discussed whether to carry on etc. We went back to his place, we discussed safe words and limits etc, I always have clicking fingers as warning bells. So he wanted to start with a kidnap role play which leaded to being a sex slave, so… After a long hot struggle I pinned him down and got him in a hogtie. I stuffed his mouth with one of my socks and taped around it. I held him in my arms on the bed and whispered in his ear all the stuff I was going to do to him, and that no one was going to hear him. I put him in a hogtie, play with his feet, felt his body up and cut his clothes off while he was still bound. I layed him between my legs Hogtied and held his head on my cock for a good hour. I left him struggling for a while then u tied him and we discussed other stuff to do. So we moved to sub and master play. I tied his hands above the door so he was stood naked and I used him as a punching bag for a while, then started edging him off…
Making him tell me how pathetic he was and how much of a fuck bag he was…….. After I had him tied up tight of the bed and I had him start sucking on my feet….. Same time I was spanking his arse when he starting slowing down cleaning my foot
After that…. I told him we would have a rest and I had him lay with me for 20 mins cuddling…. Then I had him on his knees tied up sucking me off, then I edged him for a good hour
And then we finished :)
JocKDieseL
Wonderful! You took the reigns and led the whole session.
I am very proud of you! I’m sure you felt great about it. It sounds like you did everything right.
He felt comfortable and really let go, and it sounds like you used him really well. How did he feel about it?
Declansub87
He really enjoyed it….. He loved being a punch bag and me verbal abusing him…. And he wants to meet again! I was really nervous but I studied all ur articles and the tips you have me. He really enjoyed the cuddle time too… He explained that during the play I was strict but then showed affection when it was necessary for being good etc which he never has that with other doms he’s played with.
So…..
*big hugs* thank you thank you thank you!!!
JocKDieseL
And I’m really glad you got some cuddle time in.
It does wonders for establishing trust and a good bond. And it shows that you have depth, compassion, and a conscience. These are traits a sub looks for in a good Dom. And again, it shows that YOU control how the day goes down. It’s all according to YOUR will.
It sounds like your timing and pace were spot on, and you had a 'captive’ audience. I’m so happy for you Aaron!
I might actually post this conversation on my blog if that’s ok with you. I’ll fake your recon ID if you want me to. Regardless I’m very happy for you, and I hope you continue to have fun and healthy BDSM play for many moons!
and of course i wont use your real name
Declansub87
Yeah you can post it but please keep me anonymous. Yeah hopefully I will have lots of fun too. Can we still chat about stuff? I don’t want you thinking I just used you for information and then I’m gonna fuck off lol, it would be nice to make friends/pen pals :)
JocKDieseL
Yes I’ll keep you completely anonymous. I get that.
And yeah you can totally hit me up any time you want man.
You’re my first online 'student’ and I’m really happy it all worked out well.
You sound like a good, decent, well-grounded guy, and the world needs more guys like that to be Doms.
Hey it’s dinner time here, so Ill ttyl young buck. Well done!
-Shane
Declansub87
Ok! Enjoy your night!
*nuzzles back into my pillow*
Congratulations to Aaron for a job well done! For all the subs, boys, pups, and faggots out there in need of use, it’s good to have a young budding Dom who knows what he’s doing. Respect.
Regarding cuddles and affection: I know that not every sub needs or wants that in a BDSM type scenario, but if you are a Dom, and you are so inclined, then TAKE IT, WHENEVER YOU WANT IT. Being a man means that you can show your soft side and still RUN HIM LIKE A BOSS. And that my friend, makes you pretty much invincible.
Play nice.
jockdiesel.tumblr.com/post/142848043625/online-dom-coaching
